AITAH for telling my daughter I won’t budge even if she never speaks to me again?

[u/TopVersion2940]

[u/Bidimj]

You can’t be serious? YTA. You, your wife, and Alana. You keep using the excuse that Alana has severe ADHD, then why allow her to drive if she is incapable of being responsible? I guarantee this has been Alana’s life, and it’s heart breaking. How many toys, treasured items have you let Alana break, take, or use, just to guilt Casey with “oh you know your sister has severe ADHD, just let her.” My middle son has autism, mind you he’s higher functioning, but we planned on spending longer to teach him to drive. We spent so much more for extra lessons. I know my son, he will freeze for second, that second counts, so we are taking longer before he gets his drivers license. And I never let his autism be an excuse to be a jerk to his brothers. When he was little, he could have an outburst all he wants, I wasn’t giving him his brothers’ stuff. He had to be respectful of their things. Good Lord, you failed both of them. Edit to add: it wasn’t just the car. It’ll the car situation is just the straw the broke the camel’s back. She has felt so belittled, she rather pretend she doesn’t have a family, because why? When you prove over and over that she doesn’t matter.

[u/Sorry-Citron8652 → u/Bidimj]

JUST made a comment about this. Your son is so lucky to have you!!

[u/Bidimj → u/Sorry-Citron8652]

I am soooooo proud of him! He just started his first job today, and is in college. He just turned 18. I have always told him, “My job is to teach you how to cope. You will always have autism, and some stuff might be harder than other stuff, so I teach you how to cope.”

[u/Adorable_Spring7954 → u/Bidimj]

Casey probably didn't even want to let her use her car but she felt like she had to :/ I think the fact that Casey wanted to do the session without Alana speaks volumes to the type or family dynamic they have here.

[u/gniklex]

Alana aside, what lesson will Casey take away from this at 17? Hopefully not that her good habits and hard work leads nowhere.

[u/2occupantsandababy → u/gniklex]

I'm ADHD. I crashed my friends car while driving without a license when I was 16. I almost hit a cop.

Guess who had to do many hours of community service and get a job to pay her fines and friends car repairs because her parents sure as fuck weren't footing that bill. Its me. Those were my consequences.

[u/Humble_Ladder → u/2occupantsandababy]

Yeah, I have a learning disorder (not ADHD) as much as I hated my mom at the time for pushing me to succeed in spite of it, I will be eternally grateful for having learned to succeed in spite of it.

[u/jodikins77 → u/2occupantsandababy]

I have moderate/severe ADHD. I'm unmedicated bc I've had severe reactions to s few of the meds I've tried. I work in radiology. Why? Because I became a single mom, and I knew I had to provide for my kids. Sounds like Alana has been allowed to do the bare minimum bc of ADHD. 🙄 He's going to help her become a person who uses it as a crutch. It's like, congrats dad, your hard working daughter is being punished, while you mold your other daughter into someone with a "poor me" mentality.

[u/justbrowsing2727 → u/gniklex]

And similarly, Alana is being taught she doesn't have to take responsibility for her actions.

Awful parenting all the way around.

[u/No_Camp2882 → u/justbrowsing2727]

I’m less worried if Alana has to work summers to pay back the difference. But honestly I would fork over the money and then do a payback plan between Alana and me. Also, speaking from semi experience my severe ADHD sister did not do more homework to keep her grades up when she had more free time… so let her work a Saturday job during the school year! Casey learned not to lend her next car to anyone!

[u/romanlegion007 → u/No_Camp2882]

As someone with ADHD, severe anxiety and a host of other mental health issues, I’d hate someone using that as an excuse that I shouldn’t chip in and help to fix the situation as much as possible. Yeah I sucked at homework but doing a part time job was no problem.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Ask-157]

Boy I bet these weren’t the comments you wanted to read.

For what it’s worth, what they ⬇️said

edit arrow 180 😁

[u/DifficultHeat1803 → u/Puzzleheaded-Ask-157]

He’s radio silent. 🤫

[u/st-shenanigans → u/DifficultHeat1803]

Dont you lose your ability to comment for a while if your karma is too low?

OP commented one time and got downvoted 1000 times and not has -100 comment karma lol

[u/DifficultHeat1803 → u/st-shenanigans]

I need to read about Karma. I have zero clue how it works. 😬👀

[u/Four-Triangles → u/DifficultHeat1803]

No you don’t. It’s 100% arbitrary anyway. Ignore it.

[u/LadyCoru → u/DifficultHeat1803]

He replied to one comment where he could say something good about himself and nothing else.

[u/SpiralPreamble]

Alana has ADHD, she's not a fucking invalid. Quit coddling her.

[u/Geskakay1985 → u/SpiralPreamble]

I know! I have ADHD and I’m offended. It’s a challenge not a handicap.

[u/buttplugpopsicle → u/Geskakay1985]

Same, I was like how is this limiting her future any more than the stick she found that looked like a gun and so she stopped doing homework to run around with a stick. I found this really cool stick one time when I was younger and thought my friend would enjoy it, so i walked over to his house but my mom ended up driving by while I was walking and had pizza in the car, so I hid the stick somewhere, and never found it. But while I was looking, I did end up noticing a brick in my neighbor's house was loose, so I rang on their doorbell but they never answered, so that's how I got the brick, it was a pretty cool brick, a sort of terracotta feel to it, which made me think about how the terracotta army is like 5000 years old, they buried it and it wasn't found for like 4800 years, so I think someone will find that stick eventually, probably less than 4800 years, but they'll probably think it was a pretty cool stick too.

[u/Loveofallsheep → u/buttplugpopsicle]

I'm screenshotting this and every time someone asks me what it's like to have ADHD, I'm gonna show them this comment 😂😂

[u/damnination333 → u/Loveofallsheep]

Bruh, this is me too. Every time I try to tell a story, I wind up going on off on several tangents, and a story that should've taken like 5 minutes to tell ends up going on for 45 minutes 😂

[u/Lizard-Wizard-Bracus → u/Geskakay1985]

I feel utterly embarrassed about my adhd when I see it used as an excuse for spoiled behavior

[u/WomanInQuestion]

YTA - You’re shitting all over Casey to protect Alana from the consequences of her actions. If her condition is that bad, why was she allowed to drive in the first place?

[u/PChopSammies → u/WomanInQuestion]

Bingo. If she has severe ADHD and can’t focus why is she operating a motor vehicle? 100% OP coerced Casey into letting Alana drive the car.

Casey saved for this, and you’re punishing her for being upset than you (by proxy) took this from her.

[u/SouthCheetah1010 → u/PChopSammies]

yup. i’m ADHD and know plenty of other ADHDers who cannot drive unmedicated, if at all. if the ADHD can be used as an excuse for not making her work, it’s also a reason she shouldn’t have been behind the wheel.

[u/Key-Pickle5609 → u/WomanInQuestion]

All indications are that this is a single vehicle accident. I’d ask why on earth a fresh 16 year old driver was allowed to blaze off on her own and wreck a car, but it was Casey’s car so it didn’t matter to OP.

[u/bren_derlin → u/Key-Pickle5609]

Maybe OP should give Casey his car until they can replace hers. He can take the fucking bus or something.

[u/CyclopsLobsterRobot → u/WomanInQuestion]

The subtext here that really makes OP the ass hole is that it was almost certainly not his daughters decision to let her sister use the car. 100% chance she’s so mad because her parents forced her to loan out her car and then refuse to take responsibility.

[u/BringAltoidSoursBack → u/WomanInQuestion]

If her condition is that bad, why was she allowed to drive in the first place?

Because Alana wanted/needed to go somewhere and the parents were too lazy to drive her

[u/russian_connection → u/WomanInQuestion]

OP got smoked lol. At least he came here to ask, so he had some thought about being wrong.

[u/AtebYngNghymraeg → u/russian_connection]

Nah, some people are absolutely convinced they're right and only post here for validation, or so that they can say "See! Reddit agrees with me!" to the person with whom they're arguing.

[u/Total-Library-7431 → u/WomanInQuestion]

But Casey is soooo mean! Doesn't she know that Alana has fatal terminal ADHD and cannot and should not ever be held accountable?!

[u/Cool_Relative7359]

YTA.

Let me preface this by saying I'm an adult with adhd who specifically works with kids who have adhd.

First of all, a car isn't a small thing. This has severely limited Casey's mobility. She worked hard to be able to drive a car she wanted and be mobile.

Alana's adhd is no excuse in this situation, if I'm honest. If the adhd was why she crashed the car, she shouldn't be driving yet. But no one in thr real word will take adhd as an excuse for not paying rent or what is owed. You don't get disability benefits for it. And for a many adhders, work is easier than school. Schools are uniquely horrible environments for adhders since the learning is not set up for an interest based nervous system and lecturing isn't a good way for us to learn. Nor is being forced to sit still.

If they were adults, Casey could just report her for destruction of property and get the money for the car that way. Alana's adhd would not be seen as a mitigating circumstance, but might end up with her licence revoked. Even as a minor, she could still technically do that. Though she'd be taking you to court, not Alana, since Alana is also a minor you're legally responsible for.

Casey didn’t accept our apology, and has been basically avoiding us, skipping family dinners, and pretty much pretending that her mom, Alana, and I don’t exist and only talks to us if she needs a form signed for her school.

What were you expecting? From Casey's perspective Alana destroyed her property and got off scottfree. From Casey's perspective not only is it unfair, it's unjust as well. Especially if you as the parents were why she "allowed" Alana to drive the car in the first place.

Most siblings wouldn't want to share something they worked that hard for with a sibling. Let alone one with adhd. It makes us hard on property, as much as I wish it didn't. I don't borrow things from other people for this reason. The impulsivity and hyperactivity aren't conducive to returning things in the same state you were given them in. And from the language youve used, I'd be willing to bet that "allowing" Alana to drive her car wasn't entirely volontary on Casey's part. And if it wasn't, then Casey holds you responsible, as she should.

From Casey's perspective you're using Alana's adhd as an excuse to let her get away with poor behaviour. And doing both Casey and Alana a disservice in the process. The real world won't care about Alana's adhd if she's financially or legally responsible for something. And you're teaching Casey that she's secondary to Alana. Look up glass children if you haven't come across the term before.

The issue is that Alana has severe ADHD, and already has trouble managing her school work. I’m worried that making her work to earn the money will harm her grades and have significant ramifications for her future.

So would a court case for an adult who destroyed someone's property. Alana isn't an adult, but you as her parents are the legally respsibile for the damages she incurs. Even if it's against her sibling. You seem to be forgetting that destruction of property is still a crime, even if accidental, if the person refuses to pay the damages.

My wife agrees with me that we need to stand firm on our position, but is also genuinely afraid of Casey never speaking to her ever again. I understand that her car was ruined, but I as a parent I need to look out for all my children, not just one

Yes, you do. And you're not looking out for Casey here. At all.

She's got a year left and then she can go be NC with you. She just might

[u/rantingpacifist → u/Cool_Relative7359]

Yeah I agree. I’m adhd. It doesn’t sound like they’re treating her adhd properly. It doesn’t sound like they are setting Alana up for success by catering to her constantly. And it sounds like they’re sacrificing their other daughter for no gain.

Both kids deserve better. Alana needs consequences. And treatment. And no fucking car.

Casey needs a car and to get as far away from her parents as possible.

[u/rob_inn_hood → u/rantingpacifist]

Alana needs to work. First to pay off the car she destroyed. Second, to buy her own car. There is no way she understands how much effort it takes, and by the looks of things probably doesn't value anything.

Consequences are vital. The therapist should be sympathetic to Casey. Yes her demands are big, but her sister destroyed her car so she gets a break. She has every right to be upset and compared to me and what I would do in this situation, I think op should consider themselves lucky parents to have a daughter as amazing as Casey.

[u/Mountain_Serve_9500 → u/rob_inn_hood]

Right. Their literal teenager went out and earned herself a nice car. Most teenagers are not like that.

[u/Straight-Ad-160 → u/rob_inn_hood]

Alana is 16. Casey is 17 and saved a year to pay for her car. So Alana can work a year to pay Casey back since she IS the same age as Casey was when going to work, and no, adhd is not an excuse not to work.

OP is YTA. And I bet the reason Casey even allowed Alana to drive her car. She was bullied into it by her parents. No way would I have let a 16 yo drive my car.

[u/Big_Zebra4166 → u/Straight-Ad-160]

Is it possible they could also did it behind her back and added the “borrowing” as a way to paint the picture better?

[u/Kindly_Coyote → u/rantingpacifist]

Casey needs a car and to get as far away from her parents as possible.

That maybe why they're making it difficult for Casey to be compensated for her car. Why, they "couldn’t afford to replace her car. "

[u/andromeda2015 → u/Cool_Relative7359]

ADHD IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR POOR BEHAVIOR.

I just wanted to reiterate that even more for the OP.

[u/Froot-Loop-Dingus → u/andromeda2015]

Louder for the people in the back!

ADHD IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR POOR BEHAVIOR!

[u/Nick_pj → u/Cool_Relative7359]

From Casey’s perspective not only is it unfair, it’s unjust as well. Especially if you as the parents were why she “allowed” Alana to drive the car in the first place.

Without OP outlining the specific circumstances that led to this loan of the car, i am struggling to believe it didn’t involve pressure from the parents.

[u/Ulquiorra1312]

Anyone wondering how much convincing it took for Casey to LET Alana drive her car

[u/Mother_Search3350 → u/Ulquiorra1312]

I am wondering if part of the reason for Casey's hard line in the sand is because this is not the first time Alana has taken away something from her or gotten away with something or been coddled by the parents while Casey has been expected to woman up, sort out shit on her own, get good grades, have a part time job, do her share of chores on time and do them well, save and pay for her own car, be responsible in all things while Alana is coddled by the parents and everything is blamed on her ADHD.

Casey is done with the BS

[u/Incognitowally → u/Mother_Search3350]

Alana is def the parents' favorite child and Casey was put on the back burner all these years so they could coddle the younger one

[u/imnotnotcrying → u/Incognitowally]

It’s 100% a glass child situation. Casey was probably “the easy kid” because if she has any neurodivergence or anything else going on, it wasn’t something that caused problems that were enough to be noticed by OP and his wife. Alana has struggles because of adhd, but mom and dad are absolutely holding her back by setting responsibility limits that she absolutely needs to learn to surpass.

[u/WhyAmIStillHere86 → u/Ulquiorra1312]

I’m not wondering, I’m already convinced that Casey “allowing it” was reluctant at best and coercion at worst.

[u/Agitated-Egg2389 → u/WhyAmIStillHere86]

That would explain her anger.

[u/BigJSunshine → u/Agitated-Egg2389]

Yup. Mom/dad isn’t telling us they made Casey let her drive. OP is definitely the AH. Poor Casey.

[u/CqwyxzKpr → u/BigJSunshine]

Sounds like if someone's ADHD is so severe that they cannot work balance school, as a new driver shouldn't have been driving a car so valued, until more experience was gained, why didn't mom/dad offer their vehicle?

[u/wissportsfan → u/CqwyxzKpr]

Because they knew this would be the end result.

[u/Van-Halentine75 → u/wissportsfan]

Seems like a self fulfilling prophecy. Then they’re just like “oh well!”

[u/Curious-One4595 → u/Van-Halentine75]

Seems likely. YTA.

Okay OP, since you agree that as a parent, you need to look out for all of your children, not just one, please tell us how you are looking out for Casey in any way here?

[u/socaldinglebag → u/Curious-One4595]

they also couldve bought Alana a shitty car to drive that they were planning on buying for Casey but she refused because she wanted something better instead of making Casey be a third adult because they cant take care of their own shit apparently

[u/No_Detective_But_304 → u/socaldinglebag]

As near as I can tell, Casey is the only adult there.

[u/ChildhdTrauma80 → u/CqwyxzKpr]

Probably shouldn’t even have a license if it is “so severe”. She obviously had such a terrible accident because she doesn’t know how to drive defensively and cannot fully concentrate on the road . They need to cancel her license but daddy baby’s her bc of her condition

[u/zombies-and-coffee → u/ChildhdTrauma80]

As someone with severe ADHD, I agree with you here fully. When I did have a learner's permit, I nearly got into an accident one day precisely because I couldn't concentrate on everything all at once. Keeping my foot on the gas pedal with just the right amount of pressure to go the correct speed, holding the steering wheel correctly, my mom teaching me what to do, remembering when to start applying the breaks, watching the road ahead of me, keeping an eye on the person behind me... it was too much. That was 23 years ago and I've realized I will never be as mobile as other people my age, but that's okay because I don't want to be risking my and other people's lives every single time I want to go out somewhere.

[u/ChaucersDuchess → u/zombies-and-coffee]

I was not diagnosed until I was 40, but I had my learners permit for 2 years due to all of that and the anxiety attacks I had while learning to drive. If this kid has severe ADHD she shouldn’t be licensed already.

[u/Lunaphire → u/zombies-and-coffee]

I also have ADHD, among other things. I kind of wonder whether they're at least treating Alana's ADHD. I personally quit driving about seven years ago when I noticed my concentration was getting really bad. I would like to try again someday, but I don't think I could do it without medication.

[u/pinkyhc → u/Lunaphire]

I'm a woman with ADHD, and I didn't get my driver's license until I was 26. I think being older the first time I drove helped a lot, I wouldn't have been able to cope at 17.

[u/Grand-Try-3772 → u/ChildhdTrauma80]

And the baby! No doubt they make a huge difference between the two. And oldest has been made to feel guilty because she doesn’t struggle with health issues. Ol girl has had enough!

[u/ChildhdTrauma80 → u/Grand-Try-3772]

Yeah parents def need to replace that car. I’m sure it was their decision whether or not to put full coverage insurance on it, and they probably did not. And I agree they probably made her loan the car to younger sister when they should have had her drive the parents vehicle. She saved up her hard earned money to buy herself that vehicle and if she didn’t want to loan it to her she shouldn’t have to. But that younger sister and parents need to replace that car asap. Not just oh well ur out of luck. I would not speak to my sister either. And I’m proud of the elder sister for getting a job to earn what she wants! She will go far in life working for what she wants and not depending on other people. The younger sister will always struggle and be dependent on her parents and don’t expect older sister to help

[u/zapthe → u/BigJSunshine]

Also, it may be that because of the ADHD Casey has had to make accommodations for her sister throughout her life. While it is understandable that it is a condition the family needs to deal with together, it seems like the impacts of the situation are falling solely on Casey in this case. It may be a pattern that Casey is too familiar with… I don’t blame her for being pissed.

[u/New-Hedgehog5902 → u/zapthe]

You hit the nail on the head…it is called “Glass Child Syndrome.”

[u/chatminteresse → u/BigJSunshine]

Also, why didn’t they have the car properly insured? If you can’t afford to replace the car, it needs proper full collision coverage. Especially if being driven by people other than the owner so that the owner can be made whole in case of an incident. Cheaper to keep full collision coverage than replace a car. Was Alana even a driver on the policy?

Edits for terminology

Thinking more- it honestly sounds like maybe they only had basic PIP and the lowest collision insurance possible maybe even no UM depending on the laws of where they are. Risky choices for anyone

It sounds like they saved up to pay cash, prob no gap insurance option

[u/mumlyfe88 → u/chatminteresse]

I would guess they took the vehicle replacement money and used it to cover medical costs related to the wreck. Op, yta. And you are really bold to assume family therapy would push your oldest daughter into behaving normally after what was taken from her.

[u/Knife-yWife-y → u/mumlyfe88]

THAT'S what I want to know. OP says they had almost enough for a replacement, and then mentions medical bills. If they had most enough from insurance, surely they could have bought Casey a slightly cheaper car? That would be better than nothing, but it seems like OP is far too comfortable making Casey sacrifice for her family.

[u/mumlyfe88 → u/Knife-yWife-y]

Imo all the insurance money for the payout for the vehicle alone should have went back to the daughter who bought the car so she knew what she had to work with when considering a different vehicle. Had this happened , she may not be acting how she is..

[u/OkExternal7904 → u/chatminteresse]

How did Alana take Drivers Ed, pass the test, and get her license if her ADHD is so crippling? OP is only telling part of the story of his favoritism for Alana.

OP is an asshole.

[u/thevelveteenbeagle → u/OkExternal7904]

He's using her ADHD as an excuse. How does he expect Alana to function in life, dealing with her ADHD, if he is covering for her so much. That can hurt her in the long run. (I have it too, so it can make things more difficult but it does not have to be disabling)

[u/Evie_the_Wolf → u/thevelveteenbeagle]

I have severe ADHD and I work. It actually helps to have something to do. Being a cashier at a grocery store helps a bunch. Gotta manage checking out while talking to customers etc. You got so much going on that it's easy to focus.

[u/waterwitch602 → u/chatminteresse]

Auto insurance claims adjuster here, that is an incorrect interpretation of comprehensive coverage. Comprehensive covers losses from things that are not collisions with other vehicles or fixed objects such as walls.

Examples of comprehensive losses are animal hits, fires, and floods. Having comprehensive coverage does not provide any difference in the value of a vehicle.

[u/HeckmaBar → u/chatminteresse]

Collision coverage.

Edit to above edit:

Comprehensive and collision are separate coverages. Do some research. Source: was an insurance agent for 14 years.

https://www.marketwatch.com/guides/insurance-services/comprehensive-vs-collision/

[u/littlepinkhousespain → u/HeckmaBar]

AND medical payments or personal injury protection (dependent on which state you're in) should have covered for the injuries. If you don't have insurance coverage, you all got what you asked for and are lucky the accident wasn't worse.

[u/Inside_Moose2889 → u/chatminteresse]

Insurance pays the value of the vehicle, not the loan. That's what GAP coverage is for.

Barely anyone gets GAP because no one knows about it.

If your car isn't worth its loan amount, you have negative equity in your vehicle. Even if you were to trade it in, you would still have a loan on it to pay off yourself.

[u/AITALondon99 → u/WhyAmIStillHere86]

I'm thinking coercion, nobody who works for a year casually lends out their car to someone who can't afford it no matter the relationship. OP says that he had money in the budget for Casey's car and she had to save the rest to get the car she wanted, so why not give her the money from the budget earmarked for Alana's car as well as the money from the insurance payout to at least try and buy a car from that? Or is OP still going to facilitate buying Alana a car separately even though she destroyed Casey's?

[u/Molten_Baco → u/AITALondon99]

Bud, they spent that insurance money on Alana’s medical bills… 100% because “it’s family”

[u/Timely_Egg_6827 → u/Molten_Baco]

That also makes me wonder who paid the car insurance because if was Casey, I suspect she might have replaced the car. If on her parents' insurance, then they get the money and make the decisions. I totally get why they prioritised medical care but also totally get why Casey upset. Her loss is being minimised because her sister made a mistake - though it is scary how often ADD get diagnosed after a car crash. Why my ADHD partner doesn't drive - his focus is off. The insurance money was meant to be replace the cash she earned to buy her car - she's now got no car and the replacement money spent on her sister and she has to be patient to get it back. I suspect her trust is also near the floor and now her father doesn't care she is upset. She just has to live with it because everyone else's needs are greater.

[u/AnywhereMajestic2377 → u/Timely_Egg_6827]

Exactly. If sister is too ADHD to work or function decently in school, why is she getting keys handed to her? Especially as a brand new driver?

[u/darthmidoriya → u/Timely_Egg_6827]

I have ADHD and her parents are infantilizing her and making excuses. It should be well managed or medicated at this point, particularly if the parents are so focused on its existence that they use it to make excuses for her. They say they don’t want her future ruined but she’s living with them. She has every resource at her disposal, and if she got a job, she has parents who could keep her on track.

OP just doesn’t want to make his precious baby suffer the consequences of her actions

ETA: In another comment I mentioned that my brother’s ADHD and autism are bad enough that my parents still won’t let him have a license at 22. Part of the reason it’s so bad is bc they didn’t get him help when they should have and the help they have gotten him has been minimal. He gets a Concerta prescription and that’s literally it.

He’d be far more functional if they weren’t conservative evangelicals who insisted for like 14 years that he was just lazy. If he’d been medicated younger and been put into some kind of therapy, he’d be a fully functional adult.

[u/dyllandor → u/AITALondon99]

He wouldn't want to ruin her future probably.

[u/celticmusebooks → u/WhyAmIStillHere86]

100% sure daddy and mommy bullied her into it.

[u/Melodic_Ranger926 → u/celticmusebooks]

I was thinking the same... Or perhaps the younger daughter took the car without permission.

OP is leaving out some important information. While he's not the AH for dealing with medical first, I think that there's more to this story that wasn't said . Perhaps the older daughter loses out to the youngest daughter often.

[u/FixTheLoginBug → u/Melodic_Ranger926]

Or daddy told her 'she could do it' without asking or even informing big sis.

[u/Melodic_Ranger926 → u/FixTheLoginBug]

Yes, good point! Either way, I agree that big sister didn't want to loan her car to her 16 year old sister that suffers from extreme ADHD. and what parent in their right mind would allow this?

If Big Sister lent her car willingly, she wouldn't be so angry.

[u/thrashmanzac → u/WhyAmIStillHere86]

Emotional blackmail even?

[u/luseferr → u/Ulquiorra1312]

Yeah I have a feeling the parents stepped in and "made" her give Alana the keys.

[u/Impressive-Many-3020 → u/luseferr]

That happened to me once when I was a teen, and my brothers had an accident in my car. I was coerced into letting them drive it. It was a new car that I was making payments on.

[u/CycleHopeful380 → u/Impressive-Many-3020]

Samesies here. My bro called me stupid for not having comprehensive insurance on a 20 year old car after he went on a drunken car ride without my permission. I was also dogged for property and medical bills for years for the hurt he caused. Finally, they gave up. I was 18. My brother was 27 when this accident occurred. He never paid me anything, but my Dad stepped up. I was mad at bro for a while, but got over it.

[u/Sirloin_Tips → u/CycleHopeful380]

Your brother is a piece of shit.

[u/Mundane_Trifle_5232 → u/CycleHopeful380]

Your brother is a piece of shit

[u/Significant-Trash632 → u/Mundane_Trifle_5232]

Agreed. And on top of that, people who drive under the influence are some of the shittiest people.

[u/anna-molly21 → u/luseferr]

Yes!! By the way he speaks it looks like they forced Casey to lend the car to her little sister with adhd, without a job and a car…. Maybe making her feel guilty if dont.

[u/OGSHAGGY → u/anna-molly21]

And also, why does her having adhd disqualify her from working? If she can’t manage school and a part time job after school/on the weekends how is she ever gonna take care of herself as an adult. All of us have issues and as someone that struggles with ADHD I can confirm that this level of coddling isn’t going to benefit Alana in the slightest. It’s only going to enable her and make her feel justified in her incompetence.

[u/CycleHopeful380 → u/OGSHAGGY]

And….. why is she driving while being so restricted otherwise? Fix this problem with a loan for a car. The other daughter had her freedom taken away.

[u/Competitive-Care8789 → u/CycleHopeful380]

Not only her freedom, but she was robbed of all the hours of her life that it took her to earn and save the money while still managing school. Sounds like OP is proud of holding his line. I’m with Casey: no reason to forgive people who don’t even admit they did anything wrong.

[u/CrastinatingJusIkeU2 → u/Ulquiorra1312]

ADHD definitely makes a lot of things more difficult, but it is not so debilitating that a weekend or after-school job should be out of the question, especially with your help in scheduling and requiring more self-discipline from her. Either way, she will need to pay her sister back eventually. When do you think that will be? When do you think there will no longer be excuses for not getting a job? YTA. Alana needs to be held responsible. If she had crashed any random person’s car, you would be responsible for paying for it whether it was in your budget or not. In this case, you should also be helping to pay Casey back and then Alana can pay you back.

[u/Scorp128 → u/CrastinatingJusIkeU2]

If Alana's ADHD is so severe that she cannot work, she probably does not need to be driving either. There are enough distracted drivers on the road, we all do not need another one on the road that causes severe accidents.

Also wondering if there are all these medical bills because Alana was not listed on the policy and not covered by the insurance. That's also on Mom and Dad if they coerced daughter into giving access to her car to Alana.

If she is not capable of being responsible because of her actions because of ADHD, then she is not capable of driving period. It's not safe for her or others on the road.

[u/bonksnp → u/Scorp128]

If Alana's ADHD is so severe that she cannot work, she probably does not need to be driving either.

Bingo. This is exactly what I came here to say.

[u/Psypris → u/CrastinatingJusIkeU2]

I’m convinced this is what the therapist told them and that’s why OP came to Reddit; to get a “second opinion” that aligns with what HE wants.

[u/Mindless_Ad_6045 → u/CrastinatingJusIkeU2]

This ADHD excuse just pisses me of, I have severe ADHD and that doesn't excuse me from taking responsibility for my actions, OP is throwing it around like we're supposed to just go " oh, it's fine, she has ADHD" not how that works. She fucked up, and should face the consequences.

[u/CrastinatingJusIkeU2 → u/Mindless_Ad_6045]

Can you imagine if all of us with ADHD didn’t work while in school or didn’t have any activities outside of work? I think we make up like a quarter of the population, don’t we?

[u/Rough_Bat_5106 → u/CrastinatingJusIkeU2]

Yeah.. OP wants us to believe that Alana (if not in school) is just bouncing around a round room unable to function doing simple tasks like “Hi, welcome to Applebees. Is a booth ok?”

[u/captainhyena12 → u/Mindless_Ad_6045]

Yeah, I've noticed that too as someone with ADHD that a lot of people, including ones who don't have ADHD have been using it as an excuse for a while now to avoid accountability and it does genuinely piss me off

[u/imgivingyoucash → u/CrastinatingJusIkeU2]

bro i have wild adhd AND IF I NEED TO FUCKING LOCK INTO ANYTHING (JOB, SCHOOL) I CAN FUCKING DO IT.

i honestly hate the excuse.

[u/RichAstronaut → u/Ulquiorra1312]

Exactly what i was thinking but didn't want to say it out loud. No teenager allows their little sister with a new license to drive a car they worked their butts off for. I imagine that if it was the Mom or Dads car, they would find a way to replace it.

[u/cologetmomo → u/RichAstronaut]

My first car was $500, purchased in like 2003, so it's not like I'm 80 years old. It was a tremendous piece of shit. Dodge Spirit if you're interested.

I worked my ass off to afford that dump, and never let my siblings drive it.

My younger sibling saved up a ton of money starting when he was 14 by rebuilding lawn mowers and small outboard engines. By the time they were 16, they bought a decent little pickup truck. They never hesitated to let me drive it, and thinking about this now makes me so grateful to them for allowing me to learn from that at the age of 18. In my 30s now, and I feel that experience really was the foundation for the giving attitude I try to maintain.

[u/Tinnitus_Maximouse → u/Ulquiorra1312]

You mean how much pressure the parents excerted to force Casey to allow her sister drive her car? Parents sound like total assholes!

[u/DoctorGuvnor]

Are you an AH? Why, yes. Yes you are. If it wasn't your elder daughter's car that Alana borrowed and wrecked, but a neighbour or friend you be bending over backwards to make the debt good - so why make Casey suffer?

She did a good thing, lent her car, and in reply your denying her her property and transport until 'some time next year'.

If you can't get your 16 year old a job (and God knows how she'll support herself after school) then you and your wife should do overtime, take a loan or sell stuff until Casey's loss is made good.

No doubt in my mind who's the Golden Child here and it ain't Casey. 'Alana was very apologetic to Casey' all well and good but that doesn't help when Casey has to take a bus everywhere or rely on friends for lifts.

I don't know how you can even ask if your an arsehole? And not just you, either, both your wife and Alana are too.

[u/donname10 → u/DoctorGuvnor]

Op, his wife and alana need to do something instead just feeling apologetic. That doesn't raise money for her car isnt it? God op. This doesn't look good in the long run.

[u/StrangledInMoonlight → u/donname10]

Even if OOP of spouse gets a weekend/night job and Alana takes over all the chores that Casey does, that would at least be something. 

[u/donname10 → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

Yeah. But, for me, its better if alana works so that she will knows the value of money, the exact amount her sister had to be able to buy a car, the amount of time and effort and many other sacrifices that casey had to do to be able to buy the car. By doing chores is easy way.

[u/DoctorGuvnor → u/donname10]

She can work off the debt to her parents by chores, but Casey needs her car sooner rather than 'some date in the future'

[u/StrangledInMoonlight → u/donname10]

I agree she needs to pay, but it’s also not fair for Casey to wait 2 years while Alan works 8-10 hours a week.  

She needs to get paid back asap, and then they can have Alana work on the weekends and work this summer to pay them back. 

[u/donname10 → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

That would work too. I think op and his wife babied alana too much right now. If op and his wife need to take a loan to pay for the car, they need to sit down and written an agreement about alana working to pay the loan as she's still minor. No matter what, make the girl responsible for the car and the parents to make sure she doesn't being distracted.

[u/boredathome1962]

YTA. You say you have to look after both children, but you are only looking after one... You are protecting Alana's future by not giving her any consequences for her actions, eg getting a job... But Casey is already suffering the consequences, she has lost her car, but you brush over that. Favouritism is pretty clear here.

[u/Illustrious_Fix2933 → u/boredathome1962]

Yeah this sounds a lot like they’re coddling the younger one. If she has such severe ADHD, why did they even allow her to get in the car and drive? If she can’t hold down a job, how was she even allowed on what’s basically a killing machine with wheels?

A lot doesn’t add up here and I’d be making a fair guess that the younger daughter is a golden child and the older one is a scapegoat.

OP, don’t be surprised when your oldest moves out and goes NC with you and your entire family. YTA.

[u/Initial-Company3926 → u/Illustrious_Fix2933]

I have severe adhd. I refuse to drive because I would be a danger not just to myself, but to my surroundings too

Edit
I would like to also state not everybody with adhd is like me, and many are responsible drivers. I am so sorry I wasn´t clear on this

[u/Magdalan → u/Initial-Company3926]

The only things I personally drive are my bike and my scooter, and even that can be a challenge at times. Way too much shit to pay attention to at once for me to process while driving a car, I imagine. So I don't even have a drivers licence.

I háve been able to work since I was 13 (started with a paperround and babysitting). I have a university degree despite my depressions and anxiety, and only discovering I have ADHD at 33 years old. And as of a couple of weeks I'm back at school again, while working and running my household. It takes enormous efforts, therapy and medication though.

OP and his wife seem to excuse and baby the 16 year old and want her to get off scot free. Fuck that. The 17 year old is very justified in her anger IMHO. Hello favouritism.

[u/anony_mouse_rock → u/Initial-Company3926]

Me too but driving hits right in the sweet spot of my hyper focus. Love it.

[u/Nopeahontas → u/Illustrious_Fix2933]

Based on Casey’s reaction I would be very surprised if this is the first time that her parents have prioritized Alana’s “needs” over hers.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 15 and I got my first real job that year, and I don’t think I’ve stopped working since (aside from when I took maternity leave). Working helped me develop time management skills and a work ethic that I was sorely lacking, and that has benefitted me in many other aspects of my life. Getting a job would probably be good for Alana.

What my ADHD ass didn’t do is get my drivers license right away, I waited a few years until I was almost 20. Putting someone with such a short attention span in control of a car would have been disastrous, as evidenced by Alana’s accident. Without knowing the details, I would assume she took her focus off the road to look at her phone/adjust the music playing/admire a dog on the sidewalk/etc.

YTA. Help Alana get a job, contribute to paying for Casey’s replacement car, and don’t let Alana drive again until she’s demonstrated an ability to handle her responsibilities better.

[u/heavenlydisasters → u/Illustrious_Fix2933]

Literally this. Who needs enemies with family like Casey’s…

If Alana can’t do X Y or Z because of her executive dysfunction, how on earth was she able to get far enough in the licensing process to total her sister’s car? That again, she paid for with her own money??

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

[u/Plenty_Pack_556 → u/heavenlydisasters]

Casey saved up money for own car. Yall had the money to buy a used car that Casey did not want. But didn't want Alana to get the used car since older sister has a nicer car? You and your wife are pendejos.

[u/Ok_Resource_8530 → u/Illustrious_Fix2933]

$5 Says he and wife had something to do with Casey 'loaning' her sister the car too. I can hear it now 'we'll ground you from the car unless you share, you know your sister should be able to use the car' ect. Until she gave in. Don't be surprised when your oldest hates you all.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Jury312 → u/Illustrious_Fix2933]

Sounds like the older one is, and has always been, the 'glass child' more than the scapegoat.

[u/Call_Me_Anythin → u/Puzzleheaded-Jury312]

TIL there’s a term for what my mom did with me growing up

[u/More_Maintenance7030 → u/boredathome1962]

She’s suffering the consequences of doing something nice , that’s the crazy part to me. She did her sister a favor by letting her drive her car and now she’s being penalized for it.

[u/Beauty-art2386 → u/More_Maintenance7030]

Exactly. And then they manipulated the situation by saying she's emotionally blackmailing them when that's exactly what they're doing to her.

[u/Catfactss → u/More_Maintenance7030]

OP said she "allowed it" - that doesn't mean she willingly consented.

YTA OP

If your other daughter's ADHD is good enough to drive, it's good enough to take responsibility for her actions.

[u/Ordinary_Forever2863 → u/boredathome1962]

YTA,

I had really bad ADHD when I was younger especially my teenage years. I got a job at 15 to buy a car. That job helped me save and helped me put my focus all on one thing. I ended up doing way better in school after I got a job.

You definitely are showing favoritism and you’re showing your other child that action DON’t have consequences. I would not be talking to you either honestly.

My senior year my sister stole my car and somehow managed to flatten the tires and left it abandoned for 3 days. My parents made her go get a job to pay for new tires. She absolutely hated it but understood that your actions have consequences.

[u/Amazing-Wave4704 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah if she isn't fit for a job she shouldn't have been driving. Im sure OP pressured Casey to allow it too.

[u/not_so_lovely_1 → u/boredathome1962]

The parents could take out a loan and have Alana pay it back over time, or even get a second job themselves. The partents turning this into a "ruin your sisters future or get a car" is such a false and manipulative position. If you haven't found a better solution for Casey, you haven't tried hard enough. Find more options

[u/sitari_hobbit → u/boredathome1962]

Agree but also YTA for not helping Alana prepare for life after highschool. They should be encouraging her to get a part-time job now so they can support her with time management strategies while she's still at home.

[u/Big_Double_8357]

Why didn’t one of the parents let Alana drive their car?

[u/panicky-pandemic → u/Big_Double_8357]

Because they knew deep down it was a risk to let Alana drive and sister’s car is seen as expendable

[u/Accomplished-Emu-591]

And yet Casey is still without a car that she paid for. If a non family member had borrowed the car and wrecked it, would you sue? Or would you still tell Casey to suck it up?

"I responded that she was free to avoid speaking to me for as long as she wanted to, but I’m not going to permanently harm her sister’s future to get her a car earlier." So instead you have chosen to harm your older daughter's future. At her age, having transportation is much more important, especially if she is going to college. Or is that privilege reserved for Alana, too?

YTA

[u/StrangledInMoonlight → u/Accomplished-Emu-591]

I hope OP is ready.  

They are going to coddle Alana and she will never get a job or support herself, they will.  

And Casey will get sick and tired of being ignored and treated badly and neglected so they can spoil Alana.  

And one day OOP will need help with a surgery, or need someone to take care of OOP financially or physically, and Alana won’t do it, because they spoiled her.  And Casey will tell them to F off and lie in the beds they made. 

[u/Grouchy-Stock3970 → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

I am pretty sure Casey will be moving out at 18 and won’t look back.

[u/mother-of-dragons13 → u/Grouchy-Stock3970]

This is exactly whats guna happen. Then OP will be all be all 'Reddit why wont my daughter talk to us' then bury the lede in the comments that they neglected her in favor of her sister

[u/Haunting-Aardvark709 → u/Grouchy-Stock3970]

and no-one here would blame her. The favoritism is flagrant.

[u/Lady-of-Shivershale → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

And anyone Alana's in a relationship with gets stuck with all household chores and responsibilities because Alana is actively being taught, 'But ADHD,' gets her out of responsibilities and consequences.

[u/Slight-Ad-5442 → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

Alana won't be able to do it because she has ADHD that effects her schoolwork and job having ability but not her being able to get a driving license or drive.

[u/invisiblizm → u/Accomplished-Emu-591]

Also if Alana has such serious and unmanaged ADHD that she cant work, there are potential issues with her driving in the first place. I'm not saying that people with ADHD can't drive, more that OP is willing to turn a blind eye to favour Alana.

There's also a decent chance that Casey has some degree of Neurodivergence too, given that it runs in families. Parents probably do too.

I say all this as person with ND. OP has managed this poorly. Casey may have made this a line in the sand.

Finally, did she feel she was allowed to say no? Are accommodations for Alana usually made at a cost to Casey?

YTA, although I do have sympathy for a difficult situation.

Edit: was the insurance given to Casey or used for Alana's medical bills, and what was the difference between the cost and the payout? It's suss this was left out. And as others have asked, why isn't Casey free to use the parents car?

[u/I_ship_it07]

If she had à so severe ADHD that she suck at school and can't apparently work why did you let her drive?

YTA good for your daughter to not bend, there is clearly à favorite and it's clearly not her.

[u/NorthernMamma → u/I_ship_it07]

Agree. Our son is 16 with adhd and we haven’t allowed him to get his driver’s license yet due to his poor decision making and on the advice of his doctor. Read the numerous studies. He wrecked his snowmobile and we fixed it once. He wrecked it a second time and guess what? It’s sat out an entire winter until he gets a job and pays for it to be fixed himself. Is he livid with us? Absolutely. It was an ugly winter. Too bad. You want it fixed. Get a job. Your adhd makes it too hard for you to balance work and school? Then I guess you should spend your winter extracurricular time doing homework and you won’t miss that snowmobile one bit.

There is no reason why your daughter cannot work one part-time shift on the weekend and give every dollar from it to her sister. This is how the real world works.

[u/I_love_Juneau → u/NorthernMamma]

Yeah, but then the parents shower A w/ money to "make up for her not being able to keep her own paycheck. Cue the violins. C is absolutely right to expect another car. No consequences for A? But C has to wait till a time her parents "feel like" getting her a replacement. You know, they will find something else that is "more important". I have ADHD too, and I have a BS and a well paying job. A needs to get her self a job, C doesn't deserve to have to wait til she is the priority.

Def : OP, YTA

Eta: to clarify who the AH is.

[u/Obrina98 → u/I_ship_it07]

I was wondering that. If her ADHD is that severe, perhaps she should not be driving anyway.

[u/MediumAlternative372 → u/Obrina98]

Or why isn’t she being treated for it so it isn’t so disruptive to her life? It’s not like it is a mystery illness that nothing can be done for.

[u/Turbulent_Ebb5669]

I'm with Casey on this one. You're coddling your youngest. And you have no idea if having a job could actually help your youngest learn to manage her time. You've left your oldest hanging.

*edit to add. If Alana can get her drivers license she can get a job.

[u/Proud_Fee_1542 → u/Turbulent_Ebb5669]

Exactly! They think Alana can’t handle getting a job but she can handle getting into a car (which if used incorrectly can kill people).

OP - YTA. You’re giving no consequences to someone who destroyed someone else’s car (accident or not, actions have consequences) and instead you’re forcing the consequences of that onto an innocent person. You say you need to think of both kids but right now you’re only thinking of Alana. You’re showing your favouritism.

[u/cakivalue → u/Proud_Fee_1542]

I am wondering if part of the reason for Casey's hard line in the sand is because this is not the first time Alana has taken away something from her or gotten away with something or been coddled by the parents while Casey has been expected to woman up, sort out shit on her own, get good grades, have a part time job, do her share of chores on time and do them well, save and pay for her own car, be responsible in all things while Alana is coddled by the parents and everything is blamed on her ADHD.

[u/oceansky2088 → u/cakivalue]

Right. I was thinking the same thing that Casey has lived her life with Alana always being prioritized over her and this is the last straw.

[u/Ok-Gur3759 → u/Proud_Fee_1542]

I thought the same thing. If her ADHD is that severe, the parents should have known that impulse control and other factors could affect her ability to drive safely.

[u/ApatiteBones → u/Ok-Gur3759]

That's what I was thinking! It kind of looks like they're blaming the accident on Alana's ADHD, but then they'd still be assholes for letting her on the road before doing more to treat her ADHD in the first place

[u/Primitive_T → u/Ok-Gur3759]

I’d like to add I have ADHD- getting a job at 16 actually helped with time management skills and having the need to focus.

[u/Weinabena → u/Primitive_T]

Yes me too. Structure and routine are essential for folks with Adhd.

[u/donname10 → u/Turbulent_Ebb5669]

Exactly. She can get a drivers license she can definitely get a job

[u/Round-Ticket-39 → u/donname10]

Honestly it seems like she shouldnt have driver licence. Not sure about detsils of car crash. But if it was her fault….

[u/GlassMotor9670]

She bought the car, your golden child destroyed the car, you won't replace the car = YTA

[u/Georgeous_Jeanny → u/GlassMotor9670]

The phrasing "Casey allowed it" makes me suspicious if the lending of the car was accompanied by mom and dad telling Casey to please be a good sister and share. Sounds like something OP would leave out.

[u/Sunbeamsoffglass → u/Georgeous_Jeanny]

“If you were a good sister you’ll let her drive your car. You’re faaammliy you have to share.”

That’s exactly what happened….

[u/audigex → u/Sunbeamsoffglass]

"... and if she does damage it we'll get it fixed"

[u/pmw1981 → u/Sunbeamsoffglass]

Or even “share with your sister or we’ll punish you for being selfish”

[u/Mayhem_SWE → u/Georgeous_Jeanny]

The whole family definitely nagged her until she just gave up and said "Fine!" or just walked out, which they took as permission.

[u/Revolutionary_Law586 → u/Mayhem_SWE]

The phrase ‘allowed it’ is the giveaway.

[u/Ok_Figure4869 → u/Mayhem_SWE]

“We helped pay for it so if you dont share you cant go to prom” 

[u/zomgkittenz → u/Georgeous_Jeanny]

Or even worse. She was a good sister and lent the car without an issue. Even shittier parents.

[u/QuodEratEst → u/zomgkittenz]

Just got her license, has severe ADHD, crashes car, <shocked Pikachu>

[u/bveb33 → u/QuodEratEst]

This is part I don't understand. They can't trust her to handle a part time job because of her ADHD but they let her drive?

[u/3_wheeler_of_doom]

YTA

Casey saved for an entire year in order to buy that car, Alana destroyed it and somehow you think Casey is in the wrong for demanding that Alana takes responsibility for her actions?

you are only looking out for 1 child, and that's Alana
why don't you give Casey the money she needs to replace her car and then let Alana repay you
Alana managed to get a driving license, she could manage to work a part time job

if Casey leaves home and goes no contact with you and your wife you only have yourselves to blame

[u/haterading → u/3_wheeler_of_doom]

I also think (OP is ) YTA,

You’re padding the consequences of Alana’s actions. She’s going to take from this she can do anything and her parents will swoop in to fix it because she has ADHD.

I also have ADHD and while these things can impact people differently, I don’t think it’s an excuse to be exempt from choices and consequences, especially if you expect that your daughter is going to be an independent adult at some point.

Alana is your daughter, you are financially responsible for what she destroys. What she destroyed was not 100% your property in principle, since Casey contributed to the purchase. If you won’t hold Alana responsible to work, save and replace it, then that responsibility is on you and your wife.

Imagine how that felt for Casey to hear that you didn’t care if she never spoke to you again? That babying Alana and making her comfortable is more important to you than Casey? That’s messed up. You’re definitely cruising to have just one daughter once Casey is an adult.

[u/No_Bet4621 → u/haterading]

Someone with ADHD here who had to painfully grow up after being overly spoiled in younger years.

Spoiling or helicoptering over any child is selfish and unintentionally abusive. That person will eventually have to enter the real world. Thank god I had an amazing 5 year relationship with a girl who was raised with accountability and discipline. Unfortunately it didn’t work out and my spine against the toxic relationship with my family didn’t properly form until I faced the consequences of losing that relationship. That shit hurt, and it’s a scar I got to live with on my brain. But it’s allowed me to grow and become someone I never thought I’d be 5 years ago. Not everyone is so fortunate to be able to overcome this kind of dynamic or gain the self awareness. They go on to be shitty people who don’t understand why they’re suffering and can’t fit into the world. And slowly mold themselves into monsters either easy to see or well masked.

This situation sucks because the ADHD child and the parents probably don’t realize they are in an incredibly toxic codependency. The mature child here who got her own car is a threat to their toxic but self comforting dynamics they’ve formed with the adhd child. They will favor the adhd child because that child makes them feel good emotionally and has learned to do so to manipulate them. Not maliciously or premeditated, it’s just the toxic dynamics of their relationship.

And it’s sad because this whole situation sounds like it comes from immaturity and influenced by ADHD. There isn’t enough awareness on how much pain and strain ADHD can cause to relationships when the persons don’t know how to effectively manage it or lack awareness.

[u/Z00111111 → u/3_wheeler_of_doom]

I'm impressed that Casey managed to save up enough for a car. That's genuinely impressive and would have taken a huge amount of effort and personal sacrifice. She was also very generous to let her sister use her car.

The way the parents and sister handled the destruction of Casey's most prized possession, that she earned for herself showed her how much they really valued her.

[u/HoottJellyy → u/3_wheeler_of_doom]

YTA. I get you're trying to protect Alana, but Casey has every right to be upset. She worked hard for that car, and now you're asking her to just wait while nothing is done. Making Alana contribute, even a little, shows accountability without ruining her future. You're dismissing Casey’s feelings, which is why she's so angry.

[u/skatoolaki → u/HoottJellyy]

Alana also needs to learn that actions have consequences. Yes, it was an accident, but she took on the responsibility of Casey's car by borrowing it.

Working would probably be good for her, too. As someone with ADHD that was undiagnosed until adulthood, working as a teen did a lot to help prepare me for adult life. I still struggled, but I understood that you have to work for what you want - even when you really don't want to - and I'm glad I wasn't coddled like Alana is being here because I would've struggled even more if I didn't have that concept of personal responsibility from a young age.

The world isn't going to hand Alana anything on a silver platter and her parents won't always be around. They're doing her no favors by saying she "can't" do anything towards showing some responsibility for what happened.

YTA, OP.

[u/QuietWalk2505 → u/HoottJellyy]

It is unfair for Casey, she is right to be upset.

YTA

[u/casual_rain → u/3_wheeler_of_doom]

Also parents are making sure that sister's relationship will become irreparable after this. Oldest will resent the younger one in perpetuaty.

[u/BecGeoMom → u/casual_rain]

Casey is no doubt already posting about this issue in another sub. She is now isolated from her entire family because she was kind and generous and lent her sister her car, the car was totaled, and now her parents are telling her, “We’re so sorry, but also we won’t be replacing your car. Good job buying your own car, but now you have to take the bus because we don’t want to make life harder for Alana.”

Also, OP, if you do replace the car for Casey, do not then tell her she has to let Alana drive it because you bought the car. I can tell you’re the type who would do that.

[u/Mobile_Prune_3207]

It's not going to have a major impact on Alana's schoolwork if she gets a very, very part time job. In the real world, she's going to have to learn to not use ADHD as a reason not to do something and you not teaching her this before she gets out of school is going to be at a big disadvantage to her. And this will also then be a gesture to Casey that you guys want to do right by her.

It's really not fair that the replacement of Casey's property needs to be on your terms.

[u/caringANDtherapy → u/Mobile_Prune_3207]

She can work on weekends if schooldays with homework are too hard. This would also be a good consequence for wrecking a car... no matter if she is at fault or not... if it happens again in a grown-up life, she would have to take out a loan or work overtime on weekends to be able to afford a car again. She can not just go to a dealership and say, "I have ADHD, give me a car for free"

[u/Nonwokeboomer]

Both parents: YTA

You clearly have a golden child. It isn’t Casey. Does Casey even matter in your family? She worked, and paid for a car that your golden child crashed. Let me guess, Casey ‘allowed’ golden child to drive her car after you coerced Casey into it.

Let me guess, Golden Child will be given a car, while Casey had to work for hers.

It’s on you to cover the loss caused by Golden Child.

P.S. How can you afford all this therapy, but not cover a cost for which you’re responsible?

You suck as parents. Golden Child needs to pay her way.

Good Luck

[u/MyHairs0nFire2023 → u/Nonwokeboomer]

And OP mentions medical bills as an excuse - which I can tell you as an accountant is the very last bill ANY financial person will tell you to prioritize.  If you’re going to short ANYONE, short the medical bills - not your daughter.  

[u/Q-CoCadillac → u/Nonwokeboomer]

Seriously! Therapy is expensive. If you can afford family therapy, you can afford to replace Casey's car. Get a loan and make Alana work to cover your payments. You're being incredibly unfair, and Casey has every right to resent you for it. I'm willing to bet there's a lifetime of favoritism that precedes this car fiasco.

[u/Corwin-d-Amber]

YTA. Did your daughter "let" her younger sister drive her car, or did you browbeat her into doing so? If her younger sister's ADHD is so bad, why was she driving in the first place? You are 100% responsible for replacing your daughter's car. Stop making excuses.

Also, your older daughter had first-hand knowledge of her younger sister's problems. Do you honestly think your older daughter would have agreed to risk letting her irresponsible sister drive her car, especially when she worked to save enough money to get the car that she wanted? If you don't make this right immediately, then you suck and your daughter has every reason to lose trust and respect for you. Take out a loan, withdraw from your 401(k), or do whatever it takes to make this right for her. If you don't do so, do not be surprised when she leaves at 18 and cuts contact. If it gets that far, write off any expectation of her going out of her way to help you with any future financial problems. You are untrustworthy.

[u/sophiachan213]

I have severe ADHD yet i still manage to work perfectly fine in my job so ADHD is definitely not an excuse to not work. And what you are doing is enabeling her to use ADHD as an excuse to not have to work.

She's old enough, actions have consequences and she's gonna have to work on that.

In short, YTA

[u/onnlen → u/sophiachan213]

Yup. I do as well. I take my meds and go to therapy. This whole post reminded me of who mattered to my own family. It wasn’t me.

[u/smasher84]

YTA, be prepared for Casey to never speak to you again and Alana to forget which nursing home she dropped you off at.

[u/BoogerWipe]

Let’s make this simple. YES YTA.

If this was a strangers car your 16 year old totaled you would have to replace or cover the damage/debt. Why are you treating Casey different or less than a stranger?

The answer is because you’re an asshole and abusing the situation because you have domain and power as a parent. Careful, you might lose a daughter.

The insurance payout was for her car NOT to pay medical bills for your 16 year old. You stole her car and her money to replace her car. No wonder she fucking hates you all.

[u/Gohighsweetcherry]

She can drive her sister’s car but can’t get a job? I have ADHD it’s not an excuse. You should take out a loan on behalf of your favourite daughter and she can pay you back when and if she gets a job. YTA

[u/Neither_Finger3896]

Wow well done you your double standards, you do realise you are treating your children differently don’t you by looking out for one more than the other!

Alana managed to study, practice and pass a driving test then she is capable of working to repay Casey. These double standards will have a lasting impact on your future relationship with Casey.

YHA (and your wife) and a big one too!

[u/SparkleXStar → u/Neither_Finger3896]

I agree. If Alana was able to pass and get a drivers license she would be able to work part time to pay for the damaged car. If you are so protective of Alana, you should have not let her drive Casey car. YTA for letting this happen.

[u/Happiness-to-go]

The ADHD is too severe to work but not to drive? So she cannot scan items at a supermarket but she can risk her own and other people’s lives at an age where even neurotypical kids have an increased risk of death due to motor accidents? (Late teen and twenty-something mortality is called the “accident hump” for a reason).

Sorry but this sounds either like indulgence (you letting her hide behind her ADHD) or negligence (allowing someone to drive before they are capable and able to handle their condition properly) or possibly both.

You need to remember Casey is also your daughter.

[u/theProfessor1387]

100% you are the asshole. You can afford family therapy but not repairs to her car? Alana is responsible enough to drive a car she doesn’t own but not enough to get a job?

You think not having consequences is gonna help Alana in the long run? “Severe ADHD” is not a debilitating disease that stops people from living a life, she can hold down a job. you’re just a spineless wimp for not making her deal with the consequences of her own actions.

There are posts all over this sub where this exact situation plays out: parent loves idiot child more than their other kids. Idiot child destroys something one of the other kids (sorry, BETTER kids) worked hard for. Parents (that’s you) take the idiot’s side. Better children start distancing themselves from the family. Parents’ have their lives slowly ruined by idiot child now that they’re the only target left.

There are too many posts to count where it’s happened and you seem to be no different.

[u/fluffycat16]

If Alana can't get a job to pay for the car then either you or your wife (or both) need to pick up her slack and get second jobs then don't you?

Your daughter saved up for a whole year to get a car. Her sister then crashed it. And as yet she doesn't seem to have paid a penny for it - and neither have you.

You're very obviously favouring Alana, who is also the one in the wrong and should be dealing with some consequences here. Poor Casey is being punished for doing absolutely nothing wrong.

I don't blame her for cutting you out tbh.

[u/thisisB_ull_ish]

Any other adult would sue you. Your daughter is doing the only thing in her power. Do better and fix it. Give her your car.

[u/tunisia3507]

What were the circumstances of the traffic collision? If Alana got T-boned by someone who ran a red light, that's a "as a family we need to figure out how to respond to a random occurrence which could have happened to any of us" situation. If she wasn't paying attention and rear-ended a parked car, then yeah, she's on the hook for it and Casey gets more slack here.

[u/tha_bigdizzle]

My guess is Alana pestered Casey to drive the car relentlessly, and the parents did nothing about it, and actually pressured Casey to let Alana drive the car, to shut her up.

YTA