I am wondering if part of the reason for Casey's hard line in the sand is because this is not the first time Alana has taken away something from her or gotten away with something or been coddled by the parents while Casey has been expected to woman up, sort out shit on her own, get good grades, have a part time job, do her share of chores on time and do them well, save and pay for her own car, be responsible in all things while Alana is coddled by the parents and everything is blamed on her ADHD.
It’s 100% a glass child situation. Casey was probably “the easy kid” because if she has any neurodivergence or anything else going on, it wasn’t something that caused problems that were enough to be noticed by OP and his wife. Alana has struggles because of adhd, but mom and dad are absolutely holding her back by setting responsibility limits that she absolutely needs to learn to surpass.
From a former "easy child" this is 1000% correct. My undiagnosed ADHD and EDs were ignored because I was able to function better in school than my brother was so I got good grades. Now as an adult I get to deal with managing 30 years of ED and ADHD I never knew I had, I'm no longer seen as the "easy child"
This is an especially good point considering that ADHD is extremely heritable. Like, if a child is diagnosed with it, it’s likely that the siblings and at least one parent has it
Thing is, adhd is genetic so there’s a decent chance Casey also has it and has just been managing her life while her sister gets the accommodations. My whole family has it and it’s affected us each differently in some ways, with obviously some typical similarities. All in all, not making their treatment of Casey look good since she’s making do best she can most likely.
Agreed. This is almost certainly going to turn into a family of estrangement in the future. Clueless parents who play favourites and won't budge lose their adult children who have had enough.
100%. My brother was the fuck up who flunked out of the expensive college he insisted my parents allow him to attend, lied, cheated, stole from my parents, was an abusive asshole to all of us, totaled my dad’s truck, the whole nine yards. Never ending understanding and forgiveness for him. Never expected to apologize for any of the shit he did (because it was “too hard” for Pwecious to apologize after being a flaming shitheel) so it was literal decades of me being forced to put up with his verbal abuse. Why decades, you ask? Because even after I left my parents’ home, got married and had a family of my own, my brother was still an abusive asshole. And whenever I would refuse contact with him until he apologized-spoiler alert, never happened-my parents would whine, my mom would cry and say “if you really LOVED us and respected us you would know that all we ever wanted was for our adults kids to get along waaaaahhhhh.” And I would (angrily, and resentfully) relent, because I do love my parents very much.
Finally grew a spine four years ago after my brother insulted me for the last and final time. I told him to get fucked, he’s out of my life forever, and I do not consider him my brother. The guilt trips from my parents are still intense, but whenever either of them start trying to guilt trip me, my response is always the same. Quick and to the point.
“You cannot begin to imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give.”
Sounds like if someone's ADHD is so severe that they cannot work balance school, as a new driver shouldn't have been driving a car so valued, until more experience was gained, why didn't mom/dad offer their vehicle?
Okay OP, since you agree that as a parent, you need to look out for all of your children, not just one, please tell us how you are looking out for Casey in any way here?
they also couldve bought Alana a shitty car to drive that they were planning on buying for Casey but she refused because she wanted something better instead of making Casey be a third adult because they cant take care of their own shit apparently
Probably shouldn’t even have a license if it is “so severe”. She obviously had such a terrible accident because she doesn’t know how to drive defensively and cannot fully concentrate on the road . They need to cancel her license but daddy baby’s her bc of her condition
As someone with severe ADHD, I agree with you here fully. When I did have a learner's permit, I nearly got into an accident one day precisely because I couldn't concentrate on everything all at once. Keeping my foot on the gas pedal with just the right amount of pressure to go the correct speed, holding the steering wheel correctly, my mom teaching me what to do, remembering when to start applying the breaks, watching the road ahead of me, keeping an eye on the person behind me... it was too much. That was 23 years ago and I've realized I will never be as mobile as other people my age, but that's okay because I don't want to be risking my and other people's lives every single time I want to go out somewhere.
I was not diagnosed until I was 40, but I had my learners permit for 2 years due to all of that and the anxiety attacks I had while learning to drive. If this kid has severe ADHD she shouldn’t be licensed already.
I am 76F adult ADHD and have a history of aversion to driving, as in didn't get license until age 30, bags not driving when I can get away with it, husband is scared of my driving, and will use public transit or walk at the drop of a hat.
I am now retired and my fuel tank only gets filled maybe every 3-4 months.
This whole thread has explained a couple strange issues in my life: my hostility to driving and the education system.
I also have ADHD, among other things. I kind of wonder whether they're at least treating Alana's ADHD. I personally quit driving about seven years ago when I noticed my concentration was getting really bad. I would like to try again someday, but I don't think I could do it without medication.
I'm a woman with ADHD, and I didn't get my driver's license until I was 26. I think being older the first time I drove helped a lot, I wouldn't have been able to cope at 17.
I learned 2 years ago (36 now). I wish I’d learned sooner cause it turns out I love it and am really good it at. But with how severe my ADHD is (I still fully meet almost all criteria - including hyperactivity. Which is less common in women and usually internalises as you age when you have ADHD), if it didn’t turn out to be a huge hyper focus trigger, I wouldn’t have been able to pass my test. Not a chance.
Same I'm 40 and have ADHD and while not severe I'm not as mobile as most in my age group because I know I have times I don't concentrate as well, especially if a lot is going on in town. I tend to only drive when I know traffic will be lighter so during non rush hour times. If I have to drive during rush hour times I keep all distractions to a minimum and write myself a list of where I need to go and what I need to get. OPs sister sounds like she needs her license revoked and maybe she can try again in a few years after a new treatment plan and she has had some time to learn new ways to drive while having ADHD.
Yeah me too. If you’re going to use someone’s medical disability as the reason you’re not an AH, you need to describe the disability and the accommodations you’re making for it.
I have ADHD but only struggle to drive if someone I’m scared of criticism from is with me. I can focus on driving when it’s fun, but when I feel graded, it all goes downhill 😅
Thank you for putting everyone's safety first! Seriously! As a bike commuter seeing people staring at their phones in the drivers seat a mere 6 feet from my little bike seat, I live in constant terror of who can't or won't control themselves. One of these days somebody is going to feel an inconvenient bump from their metal box while I feel my limbs being sheered off my body.
And the baby! No doubt they make a huge difference between the two. And oldest has been made to feel guilty because she doesn’t struggle with health issues. Ol girl has had enough!
Yeah parents def need to replace that car. I’m sure it was their decision whether or not to put full coverage insurance on it, and they probably did not. And I agree they probably made her loan the car to younger sister when they should have had her drive the parents vehicle. She saved up her hard earned money to buy herself that vehicle and if she didn’t want to loan it to her she shouldn’t have to. But that younger sister and parents need to replace that car asap. Not just oh well ur out of luck. I would not speak to my sister either. And I’m proud of the elder sister for getting a job to earn what she wants! She will go far in life working for what she wants and not depending on other people. The younger sister will always struggle and be dependent on her parents and don’t expect older sister to help
Idk if you've ever had a car totaled, but the insurance companies never give you enough to actually replace your car. Mine was totalled while it was parked outside my house, I had to sue the driver for the $3500ish more that I needed to actually replace the car with the same car. I ended up winning another $2700 in small claims but it still didn't feel like enough.
I agree! The parents don’t see the babying and the favoritism. But OP does, and she feels it. Sounds like this was kind of the last straw for her. She’s only 17! She worked hard for that car! She’s probably hurting too, from this nonsense since her sister came along. This can be pretty damaging . YTA for being clueless
Although, I will say, as someone with severe ADHD, I’m a much safer driver than most people, including my older sister that does not have ADHD, but only if I’m medicated. Without my adderall I don’t even feel safe driving.
Guaranteed it's because they were too lazy to drive their daughter anywhere, but also didn't want to be inconvenienced by not having access to their car.
Why isn't she on medication? My ADHD is that bad. Back in the 80s even my "god will fix it, no doctors needed" parents put me on ADHD meds. I blame the parents for playing favorites and not giving their kids what's needed.
Also, it may be that because of the ADHD Casey has had to make accommodations for her sister throughout her life. While it is understandable that it is a condition the family needs to deal with together, it seems like the impacts of the situation are falling solely on Casey in this case. It may be a pattern that Casey is too familiar with… I don’t blame her for being pissed.
Jeanne Safer wrote a great book a while ago, before the term GCS was coined, called The Normal One. She definitely clarifies at the start that the term “the normal one” is not used in terms of normal and abnormal….there wasn’t really a good vocabulary at the time to explain the issue and the dynamics that happen in a family when one sibling needs more than another. But it is a great book, so don’t be put off with the title. It will really validate your feelings and experiences.
This is such a good point. My older daughter constantly has to make concessions that are not fair because her younger brother struggles with ADHD, impulsivity, etc.
We love our kids but constantly have to remind ourselves that she didn't choose this, and while we all have to learn to live with the cards we're dealt, WE as the parents are the ones who need to shoulder any additional burden, and it is entirely unfair to make our daughter give things up to accommodate (within reason).
This seems likely. It could be that Casey has felt the brunt of unequal attention and home for years and the gift of the car evened out her feelings of resentment and frustration. Then her parents (in the interest if being fair to the younger daughter) pressured her to let her sister use the car. Now the value of the gift is erased, the resentment and frustration has returned snd therapy may have been about convincing Casey to once again have her needs sacrificed on the altar of her sister’s disability.
Thing is, the parents may be short sighted in this on a number of front. Seems they just can’t prioritize Casey’s needs and best interest ever without ultimately feeling whatever Casey has needs to be shared with the sister. Later on in life, Alana may need her sister but because of situations like this, her sister may have moved as far away as possible and gone no contact. Sometimes parents of a kid that lives with a disadvantage believe other kids not similarly disadvantaged don’t deserve to live better than the disadvantaged one.
Waddap brain twin!! I’m 38 now, entered workforce at 15. Shit, didn’t even get diagnosed as bipolar OR adhd until 32!
OP and his wife clearly have a favorite. I hope their other daughter keeps LC/NC until they can get their shit together. Which, at this rate, isn’t v likely. Poor girl.
I try to not talk to my family for this exact reason. My dad was extremely physically abusive towards me and not my sister. When I moved out at 16 he had no one to take his frustrations out on and ended up hitting my sister for the first time. It was a huge blow up in my family. Cps was involved, my step mom threatened divorce, everyone was pissed at my dad for a long time. But it was okay for him to beat me with belts, throw me into walls and shit, kicked me after making me be in a planking position, I went to school with black eyes a fat lips. Would go to the resource officer and show them what happened and nothing ever came of it. But he smacks her once and oooooh consequences.
Oh hey! Me too. Except I'm 36 and wasn't diagnosed until 24 with Bipolar 2 and 34 with ADHD. It didn't stop me from taking accountability for my actions or going to work at 8yo.
The little sister needs a rude awakening. The parents need a reality check. Yeah, OP, YTA.
Also, why didn’t they have the car properly insured? If you can’t afford to replace the car, it needs proper full collision coverage. Especially if being driven by people other than the owner so that the owner can be made whole in case of an incident. Cheaper to keep full collision coverage than replace a car. Was Alana even a driver on the policy?
Edits for terminology
Thinking more- it honestly sounds like maybe they only had basic PIP and the lowest collision insurance possible maybe even no UM depending on the laws of where they are. Risky choices for anyone
It sounds like they saved up to pay cash, prob no gap insurance option
I would guess they took the vehicle replacement money and used it to cover medical costs related to the wreck.
Op, yta. And you are really bold to assume family therapy would push your oldest daughter into behaving normally after what was taken from her.
THAT'S what I want to know. OP says they had almost enough for a replacement, and then mentions medical bills. If they had most enough from insurance, surely they could have bought Casey a slightly cheaper car? That would be better than nothing, but it seems like OP is far too comfortable making Casey sacrifice for her family.
Imo all the insurance money for the payout for the vehicle alone should have went back to the daughter who bought the car so she knew what she had to work with when considering a different vehicle. Had this happened , she may not be acting how she is..
Absolutely! It seems they ignored the fact that car insurance is to replace the car and health insurance is to cover medical costs. OP is definitely YTA
They didn't ignore. The medical bills are their responsibility because the girl is a minor. They selected minimal coverage and got hit with a hefty bill. Then they (more than likely) took the money that was paid out for the car to cover their responsibilities and said they'd replace it when they could.
What makes me think OP is an ah from another realm is how he thinks the oldest daughter shouldn't be upset about it or acting out at all. The girl just got robbed by her parents and they're trying to force her to be agreeable about it.
How did Alana take Drivers Ed, pass the test, and get her license if her ADHD is so crippling? OP is only telling part of the story of his favoritism for Alana.
He's using her ADHD as an excuse. How does he expect Alana to function in life, dealing with her ADHD, if he is covering for her so much. That can hurt her in the long run. (I have it too, so it can make things more difficult but it does not have to be disabling)
I have severe ADHD and I work. It actually helps to have something to do. Being a cashier at a grocery store helps a bunch. Gotta manage checking out while talking to customers etc. You got so much going on that it's easy to focus.
That’s what I was thinking. My ADHD nephew did much better when he had a lot of activities. Kept him busy and forced him to be organized. PS love your name - it’s also my daughter’s.
I mean, I also have ADHD, and I can honestly say that if I was forced to work while I was in high school, I'm not sure if I would've graduated (or at least maybe not on time.) So I can kinda see OP's point on that part. But I do think there's probably more to the story, like I doubt Casey actually wanted to let Alana drive her car.
Devils advocate, I don’t disagree with OP about a teenager with severe ADHD only focusing on school. I never could have held a job and managed schoolwork as well, however I’m perfectly capable at managing my workload outside of school.
However it’s definitely telling that OP isn’t okay with Alana having a job but was perfectly fine with her behind the wheel of a car.
Letting a teenager with ADHD get a drivers license can often be an absolute nightmare. Signed, a mother of a child with ADHD who got into three rollover accidents within two years (he’s an adult, I couldn’t stop him from getting his drivers license when he turned 18 but I wish I could have). Thankfully no one but him got injured in any of the accidents.
A lot of parents worry a job in highschool will hurt their children's grades, especially one with ADHD or other disabilities.
OP may be wrong but they are thinking about it like "ruining one child's future" vs "getting one child their car a month or two earlier."
The daughter is thinking "my little sister has to deal with the consequences and get me my new car ASAP but my parents baby her and they are just letting her get away with crashing my car "
The parents are going to pay for a replacement, they just need time. Having 10-30 percent of a part-time minimum wage job going into the pot isn't going to add much.
It is a shitty situation though and I would certainly be upset too.
Edit to add
I do hope the parents don't buy that daughter who crashed a car. I think she should wait at least a few years and then take more driving tests before she tries driving again.
Auto insurance claims adjuster here, that is an incorrect interpretation of comprehensive coverage. Comprehensive covers losses from things that are not collisions with other vehicles or fixed objects such as walls.
Examples of comprehensive losses are animal hits, fires, and floods. Having comprehensive coverage does not provide any difference in the value of a vehicle.
AND medical payments or personal injury protection (dependent on which state you're in) should have covered for the injuries. If you don't have insurance coverage, you all got what you asked for and are lucky the accident wasn't worse.
Also, if my child saved all that money to get a better vehicle than I could get her, I would at least (at LEAST) offer to pay or help pay for good car insurance.
I pay for my kids' car insurance because I know that if I didn't they would get the cheapest bare-bones coverage they could find. I eat the cost to make sure they have adequate coverage.
Insurance pays the value of the vehicle, not the loan. That's what GAP coverage is for.
Barely anyone gets GAP because no one knows about it.
If your car isn't worth its loan amount, you have negative equity in your vehicle. Even if you were to trade it in, you would still have a loan on it to pay off yourself.
I'm thinking coercion, nobody who works for a year casually lends out their car to someone who can't afford it no matter the relationship. OP says that he had money in the budget for Casey's car and she had to save the rest to get the car she wanted, so why not give her the money from the budget earmarked for Alana's car as well as the money from the insurance payout to at least try and buy a car from that? Or is OP still going to facilitate buying Alana a car separately even though she destroyed Casey's?
That also makes me wonder who paid the car insurance because if was Casey, I suspect she might have replaced the car. If on her parents' insurance, then they get the money and make the decisions. I totally get why they prioritised medical care but also totally get why Casey upset. Her loss is being minimised because her sister made a mistake - though it is scary how often ADD get diagnosed after a car crash. Why my ADHD partner doesn't drive - his focus is off. The insurance money was meant to be replace the cash she earned to buy her car - she's now got no car and the replacement money spent on her sister and she has to be patient to get it back. I suspect her trust is also near the floor and now her father doesn't care she is upset. She just has to live with it because everyone else's needs are greater.
u/TopVersion2940 OP: Make your 2nd daughter work to pay YOU back after YOU buy your firstborn her replacement vehicle (immediately). This situation is 100% on you as the parent who condoned an inexperienced driver whose focus is too easily compromised to function properly (in your own words) to endanger everyone else in your community. Otherwise you are well on your way down the beginning of "no contact" road once your first girl hits 18 and gets the hell out of your house.
By the way, how are the people/property your youngest daughter hit? You mentioned her injuries but showed no concern for what became of her victims. Nothing mentioned of you paying for the damages/injuries to others she caused. What were the losses on the other side?
Literally ADHD is sooo unique to individuals and good on Alana for getting diagnosed and i hope treated for it however so many of us weren't.
We went through life with this severe issue going on yet still graduated school, held a job, got a license etc etc
If her adhd is that bad that she cannot work, then that is a big problem and she should not be able to drive a car that is not hers whatsoever. OP makes me so angry as he has completely let down his older daughter to "stick up for" the younger one! Alana will never stand on her own two feet if her folks treat her like a bomb ready to go off and use kid gloves
Growing up I was told I'd never hold down a job, graduate school, or learn how to drive. I do just fine.
If her ADHD is legitimately as severe as OP is making out she shouldn't be driving, period. For that matter, if it's that severe OP might want to start looking at places to put her when they die, because Casey sure as fuck ain't helping her, much less taking her.
I have ADHD and her parents are infantilizing her and making excuses. It should be well managed or medicated at this point, particularly if the parents are so focused on its existence that they use it to make excuses for her. They say they don’t want her future ruined but she’s living with them. She has every resource at her disposal, and if she got a job, she has parents who could keep her on track.
OP just doesn’t want to make his precious baby suffer the consequences of her actions
ETA: In another comment I mentioned that my brother’s ADHD and autism are bad enough that my parents still won’t let him have a license at 22. Part of the reason it’s so bad is bc they didn’t get him help when they should have and the help they have gotten him has been minimal. He gets a Concerta prescription and that’s literally it.
He’d be far more functional if they weren’t conservative evangelicals who insisted for like 14 years that he was just lazy. If he’d been medicated younger and been put into some kind of therapy, he’d be a fully functional adult.
Totally agree, I was diagnosed as a kid with severe ADHD and put into treatment and on medication for it. Even as a teenager, it was still pretty bad. That meant I didn't get my license because I was clearly not ready to operate a vehicle.
The parents are letting both kids down ultimately.
I agree to an extent but it does depend on severity. My partner's was caught as an adult and a bit of a roller-coaster to get it stabilised and even then things happen due to impulse control. He's never going to be able to manage some things but he is a pretty high functioning adult in almost every way. Alanna needs more useful support.
This is not really supported by evidence. Statistically, medication and therapy do not return ADHD outcomes to the norm, far from it. It is magical thinking to pretend that they do.
OP mentioned the insurance payout "wasn't enough to cover the replacement", so it seems they had better than liability coverage(or it wasn't the other daughter's fault)
Weird that they would take the insurance money for one child’s property to pay for the other child’s medical bills.
It should have been:
Car value - insurance money = lower amount that Alana would have needed to cover and needing to work less to avoid impact to education
Medical bills = covered by parents of minor child (not covered by sibling)
It wasn’t until I was in my 30s and my husband pointed it out that I realized my adhd affects my driving. Thankfully I’ve never had any accidents because of it, but I’m far more cognizant of it now.
Yeah my wife’s ADHD affects her driving pretty drastically, but also has not ever resulted in an accident.
Her “issues” are more just always getting lost in places that should be familiar, not being ready to take an exit, or (and this happened last night) having to drive around the block several times because she keeps missing the turn in to a restaurant.
She's a minor, would have been cheaper to be on her parents insurance-if she was even allowed to get her own insurance. Plus the car would have been in her parents name until she is 18. So all payouts would have gone to the parents-who probably put it towards "poor Alana".
Why my ADHD partner doesn't drive - his focus is off.
Yeah... why I dont either. Its different if I was only a risk to myself but I aint risking ruining anyone's life or my own because of my attention.
If her adhd is so bad that she cant work, maybe this should have been seen coming?!? Or is the adhd just a cop out from responsibility less so from the kid themself but the shared responsibility of the parents.
and yeah it probably isnt just about the car, least for a teen all this would be easy to internalize as 'my family always puts me in 2nd, or even 3rd'
It could be that Casey only had liability or maybe a small amount of coverage for the car itself to keep premiums low. That would explain the payout not being enough to repair the car.
But can afford "family therapy" which is most likely church based, since they are broke and insurance is hard-pressed to cover it. Which would explain the reluctance to go.
Yeah, pastor touchyhands doesn't have any sort of credentials or training and he believes he's a conduit to the supernatural. He's not the sort of person anyone should be taking advice from because he's delusional.
They'd be real pieces of shit to prioritize replacing a car over their kid's medical care. It's hard for privileged people to understand, but when you're poor, you often need to make a choice between two unfair decisions.
They likely fucked up by pressuring their kid into loaning the car out, but after that, it's not like they can go back in time. They had to make a choice between two bad decisions.
Yeah I think a lot of people here aren't taking into consideration that those might have been the choice these people had to make. But I also am not sure that's actually what happened. The post is kinda unclear to me.
If Alana can’t hold a job because of severe ADHD maybe she shouldn’t be driving. Such abusive parents. I’m sure Casey will be no contact once she can move out.
Also older siblings are often not really into sharing their really nice stuff with their younger siblings. This is usually for relatively good reasons, but sometimes just out of possessiveness and competitiveness… And for younger siblings, after being told “you you can’t borrow/use this thing” by the older sibling, the younger sibling often rides it even harder with the parents blessing because they’d been pining for it so long and it’ll piss off the older sibling who was keeping it away in the first place lol, which leads to breaking the thing. A tale as old as time.
I was thinking the same... Or perhaps the younger daughter took the car without permission.
OP is leaving out some important information.
While he's not the AH for dealing with medical first, I think that there's more to this story that wasn't said . Perhaps the older daughter loses out to the youngest daughter often.
Yes, good point! Either way, I agree that big sister didn't want to loan her car to her 16 year old sister that suffers from extreme ADHD. and what parent in their right mind would allow this?
If Big Sister lent her car willingly, she wouldn't be so angry.
Definitely. This girl worked to get herself her own car, a commendable thing for a 17 year old, gets forced to let her sister drive it and then it gets destroyed and now her parents are doing the suprised pikachu.
Interesting that the parents didn’t let the younger sister use there car.
It's not even coercion if the parents TOLD her that sister HAD TO use the car. That's what this sounds like. And the parents and younger sister are the assholes here... Alana needs to get a job and pay her sister back, like immediately. If her ADHD was that bad, then maybe she shouldn't have been driving at all!
I had a brother who was like this. I’d work, save money and buy something I wanted and he’d immediately start badgering me to “borrow” it. Any time I agreed, he would destroy it immediately, so I quit letting him borrow anything. Then he’d badger my parents who’d tell me not to be stingy and just let him borrow stuff to get him to shut up. If I refused, I had to hide my belongings in my room and lock it. Eventually he started breaking into my room and stealing from me, which caused a whole new wave of fighting. Again, my parents told me to just give him what he wanted to keep him out of their hair.
Instead of putting him in his place, my parents took the lazy way out. To this day he still complains that I got everything as a kid and he got nothing, conveniently forgetting that I bought my own stuff and he stole/broke everything he got from me.
That happened to me once when I was a teen, and my brothers had an accident in my car. I was coerced into letting them drive it. It was a new car that I was making payments on.
Samesies here. My bro called me stupid for not having comprehensive insurance on a 20 year old car after he went on a drunken car ride without my permission. I was also dogged for property and medical bills for years for the hurt he caused. Finally, they gave up. I was 18. My brother was 27 when this accident occurred. He never paid me anything, but my Dad stepped up. I was mad at bro for a while, but got over it.
Driving under the influence is a hard pass. It's not that you might die, it's that you may kill someone else. That's something I don't ever want on my conscious.
Your dad "stepped up" to make it right in lue of your brother. This was how you were able to get over it, your dad took the place of your brother. Op and partner are not doing this
That reminds me so much of Biff from Back to the Future, complaining ay McFly about how it's HIS fault he got into an accident, despite Biff drinking while driving
My parents took a car I bought in high school and turned it into the family car. My mom has wrecked two of my cars. Can't imagine being this shitty as an adult.
My parents helped me. My brothers didn’t total my car, at least, but it had dents and scratches from them driving it into a ditch while they were joy riding with some girls.
Yes!! By the way he speaks it looks like they forced Casey to lend the car to her little sister with adhd, without a job and a car…. Maybe making her feel guilty if dont.
And also, why does her having adhd disqualify her from working? If she can’t manage school and a part time job after school/on the weekends how is she ever gonna take care of herself as an adult. All of us have issues and as someone that struggles with ADHD I can confirm that this level of coddling isn’t going to benefit Alana in the slightest. It’s only going to enable her and make her feel justified in her incompetence.
Not only her freedom, but she was robbed of all the hours of her life that it took her to earn and save the money while still managing school. Sounds like OP is proud of holding his line. I’m with Casey: no reason to forgive people who don’t even admit they did anything wrong.
Freedom taken away and hard work confiscated and destroyed. "Let" my ass. I know these parents; The same logic that justifies why adhd sister should not have to replace the car, justified why other daughter needed to "let" her use it in the first place. Absolutely insufferable gaslighting narcissists, I smell their stench coming thru my internet cables.
Those are the 2 issues. We all doubt Casey willingly allowed her sister to drive, which means the parents made her lend it to her and that makes me genuinely confused, because if her adhd is that bad, why would you risk even letting her get behind the wheel???
My son with adhd can’t be trusted to cross the street sometimes.
Big agree here. Honestly, my time in high school and my afterschool job was probably the easiest time managing things that I’ve had in my life with ADHD, because there was so much structure around my schedule. School at the same time every day, and then I got out at 2:15ish, drove to work, and worked from 3-6pm, then went home. I did my homework in study halls. I didn’t really do anything I couldn’t get done in study hall, but that wasn’t because of my job, it was mostly because I just couldn’t work at home. If I had to do something after school to keep my grades up, I’d go to my towns public library.
If they really want to help Alana, they need to stop treating her like she can’t do things.
Alana needs to learn to manage her ADHD so she *can work. She’s 16, not a baby anymore. If OP and mom want Alana to succeed, she should have had many Dr appointments and may have had some coping skills, to manage her life.
Alana needs medical intervention and OP and spouse need to see that Casey needs some attention, too. Being the reasonable/reliable/easily battered child sucks! Watching a sibling get special treatment (when it’s over the top, like this) causes resentment and frustration. Casey is totally justified, here.
OP needs to realize he has TWO daughters, not just Alana. And parents are supposed to provide support and encouragement to ALL their children.
ADHD definitely makes a lot of things more difficult, but it is not so debilitating that a weekend or after-school job should be out of the question, especially with your help in scheduling and requiring more self-discipline from her. Either way, she will need to pay her sister back eventually. When do you think that will be? When do you think there will no longer be excuses for not getting a job? YTA. Alana needs to be held responsible. If she had crashed any random person’s car, you would be responsible for paying for it whether it was in your budget or not. In this case, you should also be helping to pay Casey back and then Alana can pay you back.
If Alana's ADHD is so severe that she cannot work, she probably does not need to be driving either. There are enough distracted drivers on the road, we all do not need another one on the road that causes severe accidents.
Also wondering if there are all these medical bills because Alana was not listed on the policy and not covered by the insurance. That's also on Mom and Dad if they coerced daughter into giving access to her car to Alana.
If she is not capable of being responsible because of her actions because of ADHD, then she is not capable of driving period. It's not safe for her or others on the road.
An unmedicated ADHD 16 year old should not be allowed to drive. They are on average 3 years behind in key developmental milestones. Here's some more information on ADHD and driving from Russell Barkley.
Yep so much this. The OP is full of shit as i have a teenager with ADHD and anxiety. She is capable of driving and having a job. If she were as bad as OP claims, she should not have a license.
And being very blunt about it, if her ADHD is so severe she cannot be gainfully employed (this is doubtful to me as an aside), there's no ramifications for her future if her grades slip. They're little more than shiny trophies for her parents
I think the argument isn’t that she can’t work, it’s that she can’t work and manage school at the same time, that being said I think it’s only right that she gets a summer job or something along those lines.
I think the point is that she can't manage schoolwork AND a job at the same time. And she should be receiving support at school to prepare her for managing life in the real world.
If she cannot manage two separate events, being at school and being at a job, she sure as heck does not possess the attention and focus needed to operate a 4000 lb machine on wheels with a the variables that go along with driving.
She needs to not drive by herself until she can get some practical tools to manage her ADHD effectively and navigate other areas in her life. She needs a hell of a lot more practice behind the wheel with a parent until she can drive solo.
Teenagers/new drivers are already a wild card on the road. A teenager who is coddled and has excuses made for them for having a common condition such as ADHD by her parents is a hard no from me. Alana has a lot of work to do if she wants the same things as her sister like a car and driving privileges. She has to work on her ADHD. Others should not have to suffer consequences for Alana's poorly managed condition.
ADHD is a reason. Not an excuse. One day Mommy and Daddy are not going to be able to excuse behavior and avoid consequences.
I do not want myself or my loved ones sharing a road with someone who has poorly managed ADHD.
This. My son has severe ADHD and when we were doing the entrance interview with the Doctor of the specialized program we got him into at Children’s Hospital the Doctor specifically said, “Adults with unmanaged ADHD tend to get into a lot of car accidents.”
And if OP and his wife know the severity of her ADHD and don’t have her in proper treatment, then they’re being irresponsible parents to both of their children.
I want to know how many times before this the younger sister has ruined something that mattered to the older sister, and the parents waved it away and blamed ADHD like they’re doing now. Based on how strongly the older sister is reacting, I feel like this can’t possibly be the first time.
Fun (not really) story - my parents sent me to a church counselor once. She ended up being the first person ever to tell my parents are/were abusive narcissists. So not all are terrible and I’m not even religious anymore!
This ADHD excuse just pisses me of, I have severe ADHD and that doesn't excuse me from taking responsibility for my actions, OP is throwing it around like we're supposed to just go " oh, it's fine, she has ADHD" not how that works. She fucked up, and should face the consequences.
Can you imagine if all of us with ADHD didn’t work while in school or didn’t have any activities outside of work? I think we make up like a quarter of the population, don’t we?
Yeah.. OP wants us to believe that Alana (if not in school) is just bouncing around a round room unable to function doing simple tasks like “Hi, welcome to Applebees. Is a booth ok?”
Yeah, I've noticed that too as someone with ADHD that a lot of people, including ones who don't have ADHD have been using it as an excuse for a while now to avoid accountability and it does genuinely piss me off
My wife and our kids all have some levels of diagnosed ADHD or Autism.
All that means is that we need to have plans and systems in place for success. I know if it's "get shit done" weekend, I need a list. I know if we're going to do something out of the ordinary, I need to explain the process to my son in advance. That's life and that's parenting. Diagnoses allow a framework to better understand ourselves. They are not excuses.
The ADHD excuse is overplayed. I find it infuriating. It doesn’t allow for personal accountability or autonomy in the situation. Also doesn’t account for there are different types of adhd. I lean more towards hyperactivity and I venture to say that makes me a damn good driver because I notice literally everything. When are we going to stop pathologizing every diagnosis and deny that any strengths come with them or that were broken shells of human beings?
Plus it looks like OP is not even willing to try it. They dismissed the suggestion without even giving it a go. Like not even a few hours one day a week. If Caseys ADHD is under control enough that they trust her to drive a car alone, she can work a job. The work experience will probably be better for her than her grades in the long run anyway.
Exactly what i was thinking but didn't want to say it out loud. No teenager allows their little sister with a new license to drive a car they worked their butts off for. I imagine that if it was the Mom or Dads car, they would find a way to replace it.
My first car was $500, purchased in like 2003, so it's not like I'm 80 years old. It was a tremendous piece of shit. Dodge Spirit if you're interested.
I worked my ass off to afford that dump, and never let my siblings drive it.
My younger sibling saved up a ton of money starting when he was 14 by rebuilding lawn mowers and small outboard engines. By the time they were 16, they bought a decent little pickup truck. They never hesitated to let me drive it, and thinking about this now makes me so grateful to them for allowing me to learn from that at the age of 18. In my 30s now, and I feel that experience really was the foundation for the giving attitude I try to maintain.
I know I know!!! “Family helps family”. “to keep peace it’s the right thing to do”. I’m pretty sure those are the two biggest lines used by families wanting/needing something from another family member.
My oldest brother got a car, paid for by parents. Parents mortgaged the house to pay for his college, and he flunked out the first year. Second brother was given a cool sports car, and they paid for his 2 years of college.
I had to borrow Mom's car when she wasn't using it, and that wasn't often. They were in solid financial shape by then, but I had to pay for college. They didn't think I was college material, or needed a degree, so I showed them a trick.
I got a file clerk job at a company that paid 80% of college classes, or 100% if the class pertained to the business. That included tuition, books, even parking permit. I enrolled in 2 night classes, worked hard and made A's.
Next semester, I got a tuition waver because of my grades, and from that point on, I quit the full-time job and applied for all the small scholarships I could find.
Basically my college cost me 20% of one course the first semester, because the other class pertained to the job. The next 3.5 years, scholarships.
I am the only one in my family who got a degree. I had to do without things I needed or wanted so my brothers could go to college. Parents never bought me a car. But I showed them. I finished, magna cum laude, and got a great job, worked full-time while I got my Master's, then a promotion and big pay raise.
Neither of my brothers ever finished college, but had parental help for many years. Me? I never even bothered to ask. I did it myself.
And of course, wound up being the one caring for aging parents and helping them.
Yep, been there done that. Parents forced me to let my brother use my car. He totaled it and I was left screwed. No consequences for my brother. Been 25 years and it still pisses me off.
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u/Ulquiorra1312 6d ago
Anyone wondering how much convincing it took for Casey to LET Alana drive her car