ADHD definitely makes a lot of things more difficult, but it is not so debilitating that a weekend or after-school job should be out of the question, especially with your help in scheduling and requiring more self-discipline from her. Either way, she will need to pay her sister back eventually. When do you think that will be? When do you think there will no longer be excuses for not getting a job? YTA. Alana needs to be held responsible. If she had crashed any random person’s car, you would be responsible for paying for it whether it was in your budget or not. In this case, you should also be helping to pay Casey back and then Alana can pay you back.
This ADHD excuse just pisses me of, I have severe ADHD and that doesn't excuse me from taking responsibility for my actions, OP is throwing it around like we're supposed to just go " oh, it's fine, she has ADHD" not how that works. She fucked up, and should face the consequences.
Can you imagine if all of us with ADHD didn’t work while in school or didn’t have any activities outside of work? I think we make up like a quarter of the population, don’t we?
Yeah.. OP wants us to believe that Alana (if not in school) is just bouncing around a round room unable to function doing simple tasks like “Hi, welcome to Applebees. Is a booth ok?”
Y’all, homework is a thing that exists. Teens got to school from 7/8 till 3, and then they typically have a couple hours worth of homework. That’s a full-time job, especially if you have ADHD slowing you down. It’s admirable when teens do more than that, but It’s not spoiled for a teen to focus on school.
I agree that if the parents pressured Casey into letting Alana drive her car, then OP is an asshole. But that alone makes him an asshole. There’s no need to berate Alana for focusing on school; that’s the thing that she’s supposed to be prioritizing at 16.
This is a thing now? Wow. This would have helped me so much. I have pretty bad ADHD and was diagnosed as a child. I actually performed well on all my classwork and tests because I was quite bright, but my grades were godawful because I could not bring myself to do homework most days. If I didn't straight up forget that I had homework, I could not focus on it at home because once the bell rang and I was out of class, my "school brain" flew out the window haha (funny enough, I'm actually struggling a bit with my WFH job now for the same reason -- I can focus in the office, but not at home).
I did have an IEP but all they ever did was pull me out of honors classes and gave me extra time for tests (i never needed extra time on tests because I was actually really good at tests and was often the first one done). So it was really a net negative haha. No homework or even weighing my grade so that homework wouldn't have such a huge impact on it would've turned me from a C average student to a straight A student.
My partner has the same struggle with focus when he works from home. He says he just can't get into the flow the same way he can in the office. Even when we lock him into the home office so he can get work done, he ends up distracted on his personal pc! Environment plays a huge role in our ability to focus. Is there something you can do to minick the office vibes? My partner is now dressing up as if he was going to the office - but this just started so unsure if it's been helpful.
The no homework is mostly common in CA right now but I hope it keeps picking up.
I didn't get diagnosed until 31, but I often wonder how much better school would've gone had I been diagnosed and accommodated for - but girls being diagnosed was very limited back then.
I’m not defending homework, which I agree is overused. But if you think IEPs are consistently honored by all schools across the US, or that the parents consistently get to decide how they’re honored, you have limited experience.
Regardless. My point isn’t that Casey shouldn’t be made whole. My point is that it’s perfectly reasonable for parents to decide their daughter’s disability wouldn’t be well served by taking on a part-time job.
It doesn’t mean she’s lazy or spoiled. It just means that in that case, the responsibility for paying for Casey’s replacement car needs to be shouldered by the parents.
No where did I say 'all' ieps are honored. Your assumptions are woefully incorrect about my experience with IEPs, but thanks! I simply stated that parents have options to take an active role. If her school work is STILL suffering to a point, she can not get good grades - then she clearly doesn't have the right accommodations in place. It's the parents' job to be on the school's ass about ieps because - realistically not all teachers are great about honoring them - nor do all teachers have enough capacity to be creative to think about different accommodations. Teachers - especially in high school - are given WAY too many students without enough support systems in place. This is why the parents need to be involved. What accommodations does she have? Why aren't they working? Where is the data to show what the staff has tried?
Has A had a job before? How do the parents factually know her disability is sooo debilitating she cannot hold a job on weekends? Or is that their limiting belief because their expectations of her capabilities are literally on the floor? Do they themselves have data to show A can't do weekend babysitting? 🤔 Have they even done a trial period?
Do they even medicate her adhd or are they forcing her to suffer through her neurodivergent brain? Do they have systems at home to help her with task management? We don't have enough data to say.
But simply saying she cannot work because she has ADHD with no evidence of how it may or may not impact her grades is just being lazy and teaching A that she can use her neurotype as an excuse anytime she wants.
I'm not saying force the kid to work. I'm saying that stating she cannot work without evidence is ridiculous 🙄.
Parents should pay. They also should teach A how to function with her ADHD instead of allowing it to be her get out of jail free card, but I don't see that happening. They also should suffer through C giving them the silent treatment because it's all C can do right now to emotionally and mentally protect herself and that's allowed.
If A can't work because it'll impact her grades, she also shouldn't be allowed to have a social life either, no afterschool events, sports, games, anything that'll be a distraction and time commitment should be off the table completely until she's graduated - but I doubt they'd hold her to that kind of standard. I don't see them doing no cell phone, no access to social media. Just school and school work until - idk maybe they do but I find that doubtful. 🤔
There are plenty of adhd folks who thrive on busy schedules. The parents choosing not to try having A work is rightfully their choice - but it's not because her adhd. It's because they don't want her to try working and school. It's because they are placing limiting beliefs on their daughter. ADHD doesn't make her incapable of babysitting on weekends or working on weekends. Parents just have super low expectations of her - and that's fine - but don't blame ADHD.
There are plenty of sixteen years old with adhd who've held jobs and maintained decent grades enough to graduate - some even excelled because working forced them to learn time management in a way they didn't get on the classroom setting.
Jesus Christ, I have a fair amount of tolerance, but I noped out about halfway through that.
Look, bottom line: you don’t know the answers to any of those things, because OP didn’t say, because it wasn’t the main point of his post. Given that you don’t know any of those things, the assumptions you’re making when you write something like “A needs to be held responsible or she’s just going to f up big time in the future and be like ‘but daddy I have adhd it’s not my fault” are unwarranted and mean-spirited.
You have no idea if she’s tried having a job before. You have no idea what her IEP looks like. You have no idea how active her parents have been. You have no idea how cooperative her school is. You have no idea whether she’s on medication, what her specific symptoms are, or what her attitude is like. Nonetheless, you somehow think you’re entitled to contemptuously suggest that she’s spoiled and irresponsible.
-If she can't work because it'll impact her grades - she shouldn't have a social life because her grades.
-Parents should pay and suffer through C's silence and be grateful that's all C is able to do.
-ADHD folks are not incompetent human beings that need to be babied. It's a disservice to A's ability to function long term.
-Listen to the other ND voices here that also say they are doing her a disservice. I'm not the only ND person with that stance. Maybe go follow some ND folks online and learn something.
Puhleeze… I grew up in an Albanian household where we owned a family restaurant. I went to school everyday, did my homework directly after school then worked EVERY NIGHT and doubles on weekends and still managed to get good grades.
So sick of everyone using excuses nowadays just for being lazy. And then they look at Asian families and wonder how do they become so successful. It’s called hard work, discipline and sacrifice.
True.. both cultures focus on family, family business and every member pulling their weight for the good of the family. There are no excuses.. ADHD?!? Fine!! Roll the silverware faster and clean the tables quicker!!
It really depends on what set of stats you use, but I think the highest is something like 11% of children. And it goes down to 8% of adults. Some stats say it is only 5%.
right???? like does it suck sometimes juggling activities and work and friends and loved ones with my ADHD? massively. does that mean I get an exemption from this stuff? no, not at all. Alana's gonna have a rude awakening when her parents are no longer able to cover for her and erase any mistakes she makes.
Not a quarter. More like 8% at most. I think the parents are right. I have severe adhd and had a 4.0 all throughout my engineering degree. I decided not to work and to take on loans instead. I also did my degree at a slower pace. You can absolutely do both at once. You just won't be able to succeed at both at once while maintaining some semblance of adulthood. Plus my brain didn't mature enough to multitask effectively til I was like 24. Adhd is categorized by a stunted development of the frontal lobe. It's very understandable that people would have a hard time juggling more than one focus at a time.
This is all hard core the parents fault though. If they knew anything about adhd, she shouldn't have let Alana near that car with a ten foot pole. New drivers are always at risk for a crash. New adhd drivers are ten times worse.
She will be fine with extra support and not working too many hours. I have no problem with people not working if they don’t need to if it is detrimental to other aspects of their life, but she does need to take responsibility for paying for the car she wrecked.
Okay I agree, so long as she's minotored and they can provide her the support she needs. I don't think anyone involved knows for sure what support she needs though absent some solid communication and I doubt anyone with ADHD at that age knows what they need support with. Everyone's different. I worry that working would drain their focus chemicals. Sorta like how boring tasks can absolutely drain me for a good while.
People with ADHD fail out of school at a much higher rate than those without. The combined stats for positive outcomes in school for people with ADHD paint a rather grim picture of the education system for people with ADHD.
I'm not commenting on the OP scenario, but it is not unreasonable to say that it is a very bad idea for someone with ADHD to split their resources between school and work so much so that doing so when not necessary for survival can be a form of self-sabotage. Even if necessary for survival, it makes it that much less likely a positive outcome is achieved.
It probably evens out quite a bit for those with support from parents and school, especially with more recent knowledge and acknowledgment. The only sector that cared about it when I was young was the drug companies that were marketing it to the parents who were frustrated with their kids.
I was not able to work with I was in uni due to my ADHD. My major was too hard. I worked really hard to get a scholarship so my college and living expenses were covered so I could do that, and in order to do that, I couldn’t work in community college so I lived on financial aid.
Some of us have severe ADHD or went to harder colleges
She’s working to get into college. That’s a 40-60 hour a week, full time job. You need a perfect grade point average and extracurriculars and with ADHD there is absolutely no reason to throw a part time job in there, especially if she is already barely hanging on which is what it sounds like. Grades are more important than working
Even if her adhd was so severe she couldn’t manage school and work at the same time there is no excuse she didn’t work over the summer.
You also don’t need a perfect GPA and extracurricular to go to college. If she’s going Ivy League yes but not the other thousand schools in the country if they are in the US
She could have made a ton of money working over the summer! Waitressing, life guarding, nannying, etc. There are actually quite a few jobs that pay pretty well for high school kids.
My summer job pays the starting teenagers a little over 4K for the summer (take home pay). They absolutely could have figured it out if they worked as family to make up the difference for the car
Teens can make some pretty good coin! Especially if they’re hustlers, doing stuff like childcare or lawn mowing. Cash based stuff, no living expenses. Waitresses in the resort area I live in can make $1k on a really good double, a lot of them are college kids. It’s a HCOL area but that doesn’t matter when you live with your parents.
I went to college. I understand what it takes to make it happen. I took something like 27 AP credits in high school and had an after school job while also earning Eagle Scout and managed to score a half ride to my college of choice. You also definitely don't need perfect grades. Unless you're aiming for Ivy league, 3+ is fine.
If she can't manage just school because she's trying to fill out the common application, there's no possible way she's going to be successful in college. She needs to learn time management and a great way to do that is with an after school job. If you have ADHD and a free chunk of 8 hours to get 4 hours of homework and studying done, you won't. You're going to goof off for 4 hours, but that turns into 6 hours, and now you don't have enough time so you might as well just not do it. If you have 4 hours to do 4 hours of schoolwork because you spent 4 hours at work, you don't have the opportunity to get distracted.
And many entry-level jobs are well aware that their workers are in high school and they'll have to be flexible with scheduling.
Omg, the goofing off for six hours instead of four. I feel seen. I’ll sometimes scramble and get most of it done in the two hours I have left, but yeah, sometimes I just give up and do nothing.
There is nothing wrong with a teen focusing on school. School is a full time job, and homework IS work. So your theory is that Alana should be getting up at 7 to go to school, getting out of school at 3, going directly to work, working for four hours till 7, coming home and doing four hours of homework from 7 to 11pm, and then falling into bed to sleep for eight hours before doing it all over again? Or she’s spoiled? You’re insane.
Let alone the idea that minimum wage entry level service jobs are “flexible” - lol. How long has it been since you worked one?
I worked for most of my high school career from 2013 to 2016 as a cashier/stocker, and worked in environmental services cleaning a hospital through college from 2016 to 2021. If you have a good boss and you're straight with them on why you're there, they can push stuff around to make your life a little easier. It's a fucking minimum wage job. If your boss sucks and won't be flexible, find another job. My bosses rocked because I tried other jobs with awful bosses and left.
The bosses I stayed with knew I was a student and that I wasn't getting a physics degree to mop floors. They understood that I was just there for money and they were okay with that. I regularly came in on time, got my work done, and didn't complain even if they asked me to do things I didn't want to do. It sucked, but it also meant that if my work was done and I had a test coming up or a ton of homework, they would let me leave a little early so I could get that stuff done.
And yes, I am saying the younger daughter should do that, but every day would be excessive. 2 days a week plus one weekend day because you totaled your sister's car isn't unreasonable. That's 16 hours a week. I think it actually has the potential to be better for her. One thing ADHD can do is take a gap in your schedule and make it take over the rest of your day. If you don't have a gap in your schedule, there's nothing for it to take over.
Please tell me more about ADHD. I certainly have no personal experience with it. /s
Look, I’m glad you were able to do all that stuff. Truly. I’m just saying, there’s no reason to rip into the 16-year-old’s work ethic just because she can’t. It is completely fine and reasonable for them to have judged that Alana needs to be focused on school. There’s nothing evil about a child being allowed to focus on the tasks of being a child.
Casey should be made whole; but it’s the parent’s responsibility to decide how that happens. If they think it would be bad for Alana to do it, they need to do it themselves.
That’s ridiculous, you don’t understand what ADHD is. There is no point to force someone struggling in highschool to work part time. And that absolutely does not mean that she won’t succeed in college.
I literally ended up homeless working and going to college at the same time, crazy from lack of sleep. My ADHD is severe. I need some downtime too. I quit my job, went back to school, lived on financial aid and got perfect grades to I could a full ride with living expenses and a good uni. And I did it.
Because I wasn’t working.
A 15 hour per week job at minimum wage is not going to get her a car faster than next year lol. There is no point if she is already struggling in school
You are projecting way too hard on a 16-year old that struggles in high-school.
Meanwhile the other poster described it pretty well, fear induced post-procrastination crunch is when many with ADHD get most shit done. Less time to procrastinate doesn't result in worse outcomes.
Besides that, many of us actually have to do something to exhaustion first in order to even be able to sit down and focus.
Struggling in high-school isn't even remotely compareable to struggling in a demanding major, where even normal people with good time management, who get to fully utilise their day struggle.
If she has ADHD and no other impairment, she is struggling because her time isn't used well, not because she doesn't have enough of it. Less time available actually leads to better outcomes for many of us in those situations. Working 4 hours a day might well lead to 2 fruitful hours of homework instead of 6 hours of effectively nothing.
Example me: If I have coursework due on friday which takes me 12 hours to complete well, it makes 0 difference wether I have the entire rest of the week off or not. I will manage to start at wednesday night or thursday morning.
If I have coursework due on tuesday, thursday and friday, 12 hours each, I will start sunday or monday. My weekend is free by default. If I could choose when to do what and actually focus then, I wouldn't be having adhd... which is the case now that I'm on meds. Now I can make use of two extra days for studying that I could have been working before.
The more disciplined among us also exhaust themselves on purpose before studying if they can't utilise an immediate deadline as motivation. That, too, can be done with work.
The getting a job and paying her sister back is probably more symbolic of her actually doing something to make up to her sister for the fact she destroyed her car. I don’t think her sister is expecting her to raise like $30k.
So what i am currently in an ib program and it is fucking hard k? I study every day after school yet i work weekends at a local coffe shop while learnin english german and some french ,playing squash an begginer level piano I dont go crashing my brothers car
Not everyone’s ADHD is like yours. Also not every IB school is the same. Some are harder than others and it depends on your major.
And what is “part time?” 15 hours a week? That’s really pointless for her sister on minimum wage, it’s hardly gonna get her a car faster than next year lol
It's not like she's paying bills on top of paying for the car. Average minimum wage is $9, so take home pay would be roughly...$800/month? I'm bad at figuring out after tax.
Anyway it adds up pretty quick when you aren't trying to pay living expenses off of it
I only worked because I needed to for the money in college. I think it did negatively effect my grades. My major wasn’t overly difficult. I was never self-disciplined enough, but that can be learned. You were smart and planned ahead, but if things hadn’t gone as planned, you could have worked and gone to school and ended up with a GPA a few points lower.
But she has parents that are willing to support her so she doesn’t have to take away time working towards getting in a good college with a mindless job. Best to work over the summer to get those skills, even better a summer internship in college.
My son also has ADHD and I don’t want him working during highschool unless it’s summer and he wants to. I want him to focus all his efforts on getting into a great college. And his ADHD is severe, he’s already having trouble managing GATE, piano and violin, soccer and tennis, friends, homework.
That being said, if he fucks up he needs to be made responsible. I’d probably try to borrow the money for my older than make my younger daughter pay me back by losing allowance privileges and having to work over the summer.
But then again, maybe not. An accident is an accident. I’d actually probably get a loan and take on more hours at work to replace the car then tell my youngest that her driving privileges are gone.
I mean…most kids I know have all of that. Sports, music, homework, summer programs, etc. My kid does a kids programming camp during the summer. The highschool kids have even more going on, especially at 16
Thank you for being sane. All these presumably childless Redditors being like “if she doesn’t work four hours a day on top of the 10 hours needed for school and homework she’s spoiled!!!” are killing me.
Or, at least, more noticeable because it has been made more severe in many people due to screen use- able to switch tabs, scrolling, instant gratification, sedentary- all take away from time that we could be doing activities that decrease symptoms.
Exactly, why is this post treating ADHD like a severe handicap? If I damaged any of the cars I'd ever been lent I'd be paying for it myself. Most of us have jobs and are perfectly capable of going to school while working. This just sounds like when someone hit my car and my dad kept the insurance check but didn't tell me till way later and said it was to pay the mortgage so I couldn't really argue.
I don’t think anyone who is in school full time should have to work a job. And ADHD IS a disability. Also, everyone with ADHD is different, some struggle in different areas more than others.
I was working full time (in a demanding career) while getting my masters. Yes it was incredibly hard, ADHD made it worse, but I managed.
Sometimes in working meetings I legit have to say “sorry my brain skipped for a second, can you repeat that?” But that’s me owning the issue and correcting it. I also don’t look at the person when they talk in these types of meetings, I stare at a piece of paper or the table (ie no visual distractions) when someone’s explaining something, it helps me stay focused on what’s actually being said. I also take a lot of notes even things that don’t need to be written down, that again keeps me focused on the conversation. I also tell people I do this to remain in the convo bc my brain is all over the place. 99% of people appreciate this tactic.
I started learning this back in elementary school when I was diagnosed with a learning disability (back in the 1989). Back then, getting diagnosed was nearly unheard of for ‘mainstream’ kids. I was the first in my class to be diagnosed AND kept in the normal classes.
So many people use the ADHD / Learning Disability card as a pass on why they can’t meet a standard or act a certain way. I’m sorry but it’s not an excuse that will be accepted later in life.
2 of my kids have ADHD. One with hyper reactive. Some of their issues are similar, some different, but they both learned how to be productive, competent people. I didn't coddle or excuse, I did try to help them find a way. You know, like you do for all kids. How to cope, manage emotions, time, ect.
Person with ADHD here...I worked three jobs while going to college and having a life. That's a BS excuse from the op, and he is doing nothing remotely helpful for either of his children. That he coddles the kid with ADHD is doing more to ruin her future than making her work to pay back her sister could ever do.
Yeah, I've noticed that too as someone with ADHD that a lot of people, including ones who don't have ADHD have been using it as an excuse for a while now to avoid accountability and it does genuinely piss me off
You have the key word there: "managed." Maybe it's a relatively recent diagnosis and they haven't figured out her meds and/or had OT for long enough to be effective yet. Maybe they're in a community that's being hit harder than others by the shortage of ADHD meds.
Though if any of that is true, she shouldn't have been driving at her age. 🙄
As a fellow ADHD-er with a job and a family (well, a wife and cats 😅), I also absolutely despise people who use their neurodivergence as an excuse for shitty behaviour.
It delegitimises the very real issues we deal with every day.
FFS. Wanting to focus on school - which is a full-time job - is not “shitty behavior.”
I agree if the parents pressured Casey into letting Alana drive her car, then the parents need to step up and get a loan or whatever required to get Casey’s car repaired. But wanting a 16 year old with ADHD to focus on school and minimize distractions is not bad behavior on either the parents’ or Alana’s part.
It also doesn’t require constant medical intervention! You get on one of the few medications available, or come up with an alternative management, and carry on. Not sure why OP acts like it’s some crushing ongoing medical burden.
a lot of us are just now getting diagnosed in adulthood. in my case my adhd isnt managed and hasnt been since i was a kid, it disables me. combined with my cptsd and autism, im an invalid most days. i cant drive, struggle working, struggle taking care of myself, struggle doing anything around the house. i get triggered and have flashbacks accompanied by meltdowns daily.
i also cant afford meds or therapy rn to manage all of it! wonderful times we live in
My wife and our kids all have some levels of diagnosed ADHD or Autism.
All that means is that we need to have plans and systems in place for success. I know if it's "get shit done" weekend, I need a list. I know if we're going to do something out of the ordinary, I need to explain the process to my son in advance. That's life and that's parenting. Diagnoses allow a framework to better understand ourselves. They are not excuses.
My dude, is a reddit comment. You don't need a rundown of all of the intensive therapies, IEP meetings, and accomodations we've had to figure out the hard way.
Yes, there are absolutely people who deal with harder circumstances, but you are delusional if you don't think far too many people make excuses rather than solutions.
You literally said “all that means is we need plans and systems in place for success.”
Regardless, my point is just that the fact that you, an adult, have over the course what I assume based on your description is years figured out how to manage your family’s ADHD is great. But it doesn’t give you license to just assume that everyone you think isn’t managing it as well as you is just “making excuses.” Especially in this case, where the accommodation - “focus on the full-time job of school and don’t try to also carry a part-time extra job” - is an extremely reasonable one.
I agree Casey should be made whole, but if the parents judge that Alana shouldn’t be trying to manage a part-time job on top of school, that’s perfectly reasonable. It just means the parents need to be the ones that handle paying for Casey’s new car.
It's because the internet has destroyed everyone's attention spans, so everyone thinks they have ADHD now. Since everyone thinks that's all ADHD is, attention problems 🙄
That's not at all what she meant... she meant that the internet is distracting to everyone, which is wildly true. That doesn't invalidate your experience, it just illustrates that most people still don't understand ADHD, even other neurodivergent people.
I've always had ADHD, and I feel like that makes dopamine seeking behavior like doomscrolling MUCH harder - but the cause and effect is different. Dopamine addiction is not ADHD, but people with ADHD are more prone to dopamine addiction. Does that make sense?
Seriously though, the fact that shorts and tick tocks or whatever platform you prefer to watch stuff on can't even have a video without gameplay or random videos of food in the background to keep people's attention span is seriously alarming
I find the opposite to be true actually. Most people hear ADHD and roll their eyes. Like it’s not sometimes actually debilitating. They just say stuff like, try harder or just stop being lazy.
im literally disabled from my adhd, autism and cptsd but internet people think thats laziness and irl people like family dont believe any of it exists despite me being diagnosed. i wish “try harder” worked, but it doesnt.
And the exact reason for that is because it's been turned into an excuse and because so many people who don't actually have it pretend they do and act like jackass's while doing so. So it helps perpetuate the stereotype of people with ADHD just being lazy pricks which sucks for us who actually have it but I don't see it changing anytime soon.
I use it as an excuse or at least a reason like
“Sorry I leave cabinets open I have adhd and forgot”
NOT
“Sorry I CRASHED YOUR CAR?”
At 16 I ran into my neighbors car and had to pay $800 to replace the door. I missed soccer camp for two weeks that summer to take a nanny job.
This is the #1 reason why I don’t share with ANYONE (almost) IRL that I have severe ADHD and I am heavily medicated for it. Any time it comes up people chuckle and say it’s a BS disability precisely because it became so “fashionable” to have it lately and everyone uses it as an excuse. I hate it. Not only I have a debilitating disability but the entire world thinks of it as something “cutesy”.
Seriously. My son has ADHD and he’s a high functioning, working, traveling young man who graduated with high honors from college.
Was it easy? Nope. Can it be done? Yes.
It’s insulting to people (and those close to them) with ADHD when it’s used as an excuse for not being able to do everyday things.
The everyday thing Alana needs to do, and is doing, is her full-time job: school. Not wanting her to have both a full time job AND a part time job is not insulting to people with ADHD.
I have ADHD and went into IT. It actually allows me to be able to do many tasks at once and allows my mind to wander from Job to Job. This gives me an advantage.
It’s not an excuse it’s an explanation. If you truly have it you should know that. We have enough normies telling us to stop make excuses, it’s messed up to hear it from one of us, but this world treats us as if the way our brain works is a moral failing
The ADHD excuse is overplayed. I find it infuriating. It doesn’t allow for personal accountability or autonomy in the situation. Also doesn’t account for there are different types of adhd. I lean more towards hyperactivity and I venture to say that makes me a damn good driver because I notice literally everything. When are we going to stop pathologizing every diagnosis and deny that any strengths come with them or that were broken shells of human beings?
Those posts drive me up a WALL. I get wanting to be seen for the way our brains works. But it’s done in such obnoxious ways. And don’t get me started on the ‘You’re not _____ , you’re just adhd’ posts when it’s some random, fairly common thing like ‘I squint when the sun is in my eyes’.
I have it big time too and I agree with you. Though I don't agree with the "she should have thought of that before she crashed my car", like c'mon accidents happen and the very definition of an accident is that you didn't want it to happen. But yeah I think the eldest has every right to be pissed off, while she should recognise that the youngest made a mistake and that mistakes are human. Youngest has to make it up to her in some way that fits them all. Not speaking ever again makes me think a human element is needed - not just the material thing of the car but recognition that things are fucked up and she might be feeling that the parents are covering up any blame, which is good for protecting each other but is stopping any chance at a real resolution or consequences.
OP knows they are a dick and wants people to agree with there shit parenting. They probaly forced the older girl to let her sister use the car. Why couldn’t they use the parents?
"she has severe ADHD....so anyway we let her borrow her sisters 4,000lb mobile metal cage that operates on explosions" like wtf if it's so bad it impacts her life maybe she shouldn't be driving regardless of whose car it is?
My neighbor recently cut the "grassy area" because it was too tall. She essentially mowed over my flowerbeds and all my other plantings. When I spoke to her about it she 'has ADHD and just saw it had to be trimmed and just did it'. Uh no, you know it's a shared space and you chose to not ask about how to care for it. Her response, well 'because of my ADHD I may do something like this again'. You do not have ADHD, you have a lack of respect for the rest of the neighbors and need an excuse to do stupid shit.
Omg, I would lose my shit. That is nothing but disrespect. Holy crap. That is what she told you??? Is she an adult or a teenager, not that it matters but omg.
I have ADHD and getting a job early in life was one of the best things I could have done. You learn routines, time management, self discipline, social interaction with different kinds of people,etc. I will always struggle but working as a teenager helped me so much.
I wasn't diagnosed until my 30s, in large part because my dad (who in hindsight was probably also ND) was huge on structure for everyone and everything. I don't think it was intentional but I was raised with mechanisms that taught me to compensate for serious ADHD. Having expectations for your kids and giving them the tools to meet them isn't abuse, it kind of feels like the bare minimum.
Not gonna lie, I’m 💯 sure that my ADHD is why I’ve had up to four jobs at one time, and why I’m jonesing for a side gig even tho I’m doing okay with my full time. Also, honestly, I feel like my ADHD makes me feel more responsible for things than I actually am, and if I had done this I’d have a job the next day to work to pay off my mistake
I'm wondering if Alana is medicated. It doesn't sound like they're actually managing and learning how to work with her ADHD they just say "it's ADHD" and move on and that's not how you should parent a child with ADHD
Same. Crazy adhd and rapid cycling bipolar 1. She should try labor jobs. Most of us are either addicts or mentally ill lol and we get shit done. It helps me a ton.
Im also wondering whyyyy tf they havent worked on getting Alana medication for it? i have AuDHD and cant get medication for my adhd yet and its HELL. like actual hell! family therapy was a waste
Also as someone with ADHD, I HATED when people would say stuff like this to me. It made me feel extremely incompetent and when I was and still am fully capable of being a fully functional adult
Yea, the adhd part is pure excuse. Have been diagnosed since I was 13 and had both a job and a license at 15. Each person has their own limitations, but blaming adhd on both the accident and her lack of capability to recomp is just being the absolute laziest form of parent.
Thank you for saying this. I don’t have ADHD, but throughout Reddit, it seems to be a primary justification for any and all bad behavior (the other being “on the spectrum”). Why is it used like a “get out of jail free” card?
This. I have mental health issues, including ADHD, that are so severe I really have had trouble finishing my degree and maintaining employment (currently unemployed due to a depressive episode that cost me my job). if I borrowed someone's car and crashed it, that would still be my fuckin responsibility to pay for!! I'm considering applying for disability because my issues make it so hard to be employed. if Alana really does have issues that are that bad, and she doesn't have any cash to pay her sister back, OP should really look into that as an option. but most likely he won't because she isn't really that disabled and wouldn't qualify tbqfh
This. My whole life has been a terrible struggle due to ADHD and autism, but I still know not to mess with other peoples things or destroy other peoples property. And I’m definitely fine with holding multiple jobs, which I have done in the past. parents excuse their kids and using ADHD for that is the worst thing they can do. Alana will not have a chance in the real world if she doesn’t learn now that she is capable of doing the same things as everybody else. She needs to learn that actions have consequences.
My first diagnosis of a learning disability came in 1989 when I was in 5th grade. I was the first kid in my class to get an IDP (that’s what it was called them) who was kept mainstream. Before it meant automatic special education or remedial classes.
Bot only that, there are more details about the younger daughter and he problems. How has this affected the older one? Did she need it to get to work or school? Was she trying to get things in order for college? There is definitely that older child is responsible and can help the family and suck it up, younger child is younger and can't do as much, oh hey, they are disadvantaged by a disorder to boot. Hell, older kid is probably masking and undiagnosed.
Not only that, if they could have bought a car for the older kid, why not buy one for the younger one?
Thank you!! I'm glad someone said it. I have severe adhd and I tend house, take care of my kids, going back to school full time, and I work.. I dont get why the younger daughter gets an excuse, and Casey gets the 💩 end of the stick.
And probably because the younger daughter uses it to excuse everything she does wrong. And probably learned to make it into a bigger deal from her parents. She is playing them!! And if I were the older daughter, I would get away as quick as possible.
100%, sounds like parents are just enabling her to use it as an excuse.
I have ADHD, too, and I have learned to hone the skills I do have to use the neuro-spiciness to my advantage. I work a full-time job, a part-time job, and I’m in an MBA program.
It’s all about perspective.
He is literally treating it like hospice care or she's on her death bed. She's a teenager with ADHD she can't handle because her parents have been too busy making excuses every time she fucks up.
It reminds me of that tweet where someone was like “nobody talks about how hard Halloween costumes are for the adhd community” and someone quoted with “omg you people can’t do anything” loll
my son has adhd and when he was younger he'd use that as an excuse. I always told him that adhd doesn't mean you can't do things, it means you have to work HARDER.
Thank you for chiming in. I was thinking if the adhd is so bad that a part time job can't be managed then why was the child driving? That's more scary.
100% this. I have ADHD, as does half my family, and I am considered an expert in developmental disorders (uni prof). Diagnoses EXPLAIN but not EXCUSE. It reads to me as if the younger sibling has been enabled and excused by parents instead of taught the strategies that will allow her to work around her exceptionality. It is super frustrating when people use an adhd diagnosis as an excuse personally and professionally to me. Also, “severe” adhd is not a thing. There are different forms and subtypes that are based on the criteria or presenting symptoms, but the idea of severity within ADHD is more related to environmental factors like parenting style.
Me too. It is a bullshit excuse. I have pretty bad ADHD as well. Know plenty of people who also do. I just like many others have worked for most their lives starting as a teen. ADHD does not make it impossible to be a functional human. It just means you have to find ways to make it work for you. She can definitely find something to help pay for a new car for her sister.
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u/Ulquiorra1312 6d ago
Anyone wondering how much convincing it took for Casey to LET Alana drive her car