I am wondering if part of the reason for Casey's hard line in the sand is because this is not the first time Alana has taken away something from her or gotten away with something or been coddled by the parents while Casey has been expected to woman up, sort out shit on her own, get good grades, have a part time job, do her share of chores on time and do them well, save and pay for her own car, be responsible in all things while Alana is coddled by the parents and everything is blamed on her ADHD.
It’s 100% a glass child situation. Casey was probably “the easy kid” because if she has any neurodivergence or anything else going on, it wasn’t something that caused problems that were enough to be noticed by OP and his wife. Alana has struggles because of adhd, but mom and dad are absolutely holding her back by setting responsibility limits that she absolutely needs to learn to surpass.
From a former "easy child" this is 1000% correct. My undiagnosed ADHD and EDs were ignored because I was able to function better in school than my brother was so I got good grades. Now as an adult I get to deal with managing 30 years of ED and ADHD I never knew I had, I'm no longer seen as the "easy child"
You really would hope, but when you have a narcissistic parent they never stop considering you a child they can control.
A few months ago I was visiting my hometown and my parents tried to arrange time for me to see my brother's new house. I just kept telling them I had a packed weekend, which was true, and declined every time they suggested. I was then asked why I was being so difficult, I'm supposed to be the easy kid.
It is worse than that - the less squeaky wheel isn't allowed to squeak - there is a lot of gaslighting of us glass kids that goes down. A lot of "well, you aren't allowed to have problems or issues because WE SUFFER SO MUCH ALREADY" from parents, intended to minimize and dismiss. A lot of ridicule and "you think you have it so hard" shit from parents. It is one thing if there is benign neglect, but that is rarely the full extent of it. It is more like HOW DARE YOU HAVE NEEDS - WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Idk, I think that might be a little bit of an exaggerated takeaway from all this. I think they hear what their older kid is saying and sympathize to a certain extent. They just feel they have limited options on what to do about it. They aren’t saying the older kid can’t have a new car, they just don’t want to put too much pressure on other kid because they want her to graduate high school on time and get into a somewhat good college. As someone with ADHD, I get it! Taking on a job when school is already kicking your ass can be a lot. It’s part of the reason I didn’t go to college and went to trade school instead.
You don’t see much sympathy. I don’t see much blame. They’re trying to bring the older one back into the fold and are concerned because she’s distancing herself. I can’t say that I blame her. But as for having lived this. I’m an only child, a neurodivergent one, who’s had to deal with narcissistic parents his entire life. Being scapegoated for being honest. Never being allowed to feel justified in what I was feeling because it wasn’t nearly as important as their (my parent’s) feelings. I was also made to feel like I had no true possessions because they gave me everything so everything that was mine was actually theirs and could be taken away at any moment. It was only in my 30’s after being married to my wife that I realized that not everyone who bought things for me thought this way. So I could stop the obsessive need to buy necessities with my own money all the time.
Concerned about themselves, yes. Clearly not interested in considering how they are treating her and how that has anything to do with it. Command and control - not love, care, concern, or consideration. This probably isn't the first time she was forced to share something, had it broken, and was told that she was the problem ... so she is making it clear that this is the last time. Note how OP goes on and on about his problems and Alanna's problems but completely dismisses his older daughter? That's the tell right there.
This is an especially good point considering that ADHD is extremely heritable. Like, if a child is diagnosed with it, it’s likely that the siblings and at least one parent has it
My little brother had severe problems when he was little and behavior like these parents harms all relationships, he was over them by 10 but by that point the damage had been done.
My older brother and I couldn't stand him because he was a spoiled, coddled brat that would only be given a fraction of the chores we had at every age he was until his late teens. Parents may not be able to notice differences in treatment but the non Golden child definitely could and that builds resentment.
We didn't have any real relationship until he was off to college and the real world normalized him a bit
I noticed that as well. Six paragraphs in the OP, and Casey's very awesome and out-of-the-ordinary achievement is mentioned ones and briefly. We talk about Alana and her ADHD throughout the others.
parents only have a finite amount of time and attention to give and when you have a particularly needy child they just get more. it sucks if youre the other kid and im sure it looks and feels indistinguishable from favoritism
try explaining that to an 18 year-old kid that had their car destroyed by the child in the family that gets all of mom and dad's attention. An 18 year-old is still a child and deserves as much attention as the rest of the children. Attention may be on a different level, but albeit, they are still growing and need parental nurturing. They WILL see it as favoritism.
This rings very true. I've known people with siblings who definitely require more time that made another feel left out. Sometimes its the gifted or athletic sibling but it becomes a much bigger problem when on suffers illness or disability. I think the problem here is Mom/Dad are treating ADD as the equivalent of a much more serious impairment. I suspect they are helicopter parents to the 8th degree for the younger one and simply let the older find her way. It will be interesting to see if they also spend a disproportionate amount towards education for daughter 2 or cover more of her young adult costs in the name of helping her cope. Also have to wonder if Dad is not the driving force/daughter 1 resents mom not standing up to him.
Mom probably controls the family (CONTROLLING) and dad goes along with it as her chimp. Casey may see this and may, yes, have resentment toward Mom and indirectly toward dad for not taking/seeing her side in this situation. They will, however, see this once Casey grows and matures sooner and becomes independent earlier and will "need" them less and less and wont be around to be looped into their games. Alana will have a hard time gaining a connection with Casey because of the actions of the parents. ... .. hopefully in years to come as Alana either outgrows, matures through or gets her condition under control better, she may form a connection with her sister.
Exactly-parents sometimes don’t realize that they are the ones who are driving the wedge between their children, by how they treat them. Especially how they treat them out in the open. This dad appears to think his daughter Casey is the actual asshole. So does the mom.
It seemed that the mom at least understood daughter 1's frustration/their actions would have consequences. Dad seemed to be operating under the assumption he was entirely right- that's why I assumed he was the one treating it as understandable.
And he also gave no explanation of the impact on daughter 1. What was the impact of not having a car? And could he at least buy her a beater and replace it next year with something equivalent to previous.
29.6k
u/Ulquiorra1312 6d ago
Anyone wondering how much convincing it took for Casey to LET Alana drive her car