It’s 100% a glass child situation. Casey was probably “the easy kid” because if she has any neurodivergence or anything else going on, it wasn’t something that caused problems that were enough to be noticed by OP and his wife. Alana has struggles because of adhd, but mom and dad are absolutely holding her back by setting responsibility limits that she absolutely needs to learn to surpass.
From a former "easy child" this is 1000% correct. My undiagnosed ADHD and EDs were ignored because I was able to function better in school than my brother was so I got good grades. Now as an adult I get to deal with managing 30 years of ED and ADHD I never knew I had, I'm no longer seen as the "easy child"
You really would hope, but when you have a narcissistic parent they never stop considering you a child they can control.
A few months ago I was visiting my hometown and my parents tried to arrange time for me to see my brother's new house. I just kept telling them I had a packed weekend, which was true, and declined every time they suggested. I was then asked why I was being so difficult, I'm supposed to be the easy kid.
It is worse than that - the less squeaky wheel isn't allowed to squeak - there is a lot of gaslighting of us glass kids that goes down. A lot of "well, you aren't allowed to have problems or issues because WE SUFFER SO MUCH ALREADY" from parents, intended to minimize and dismiss. A lot of ridicule and "you think you have it so hard" shit from parents. It is one thing if there is benign neglect, but that is rarely the full extent of it. It is more like HOW DARE YOU HAVE NEEDS - WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Idk, I think that might be a little bit of an exaggerated takeaway from all this. I think they hear what their older kid is saying and sympathize to a certain extent. They just feel they have limited options on what to do about it. They aren’t saying the older kid can’t have a new car, they just don’t want to put too much pressure on other kid because they want her to graduate high school on time and get into a somewhat good college. As someone with ADHD, I get it! Taking on a job when school is already kicking your ass can be a lot. It’s part of the reason I didn’t go to college and went to trade school instead.
You don’t see much sympathy. I don’t see much blame. They’re trying to bring the older one back into the fold and are concerned because she’s distancing herself. I can’t say that I blame her. But as for having lived this. I’m an only child, a neurodivergent one, who’s had to deal with narcissistic parents his entire life. Being scapegoated for being honest. Never being allowed to feel justified in what I was feeling because it wasn’t nearly as important as their (my parent’s) feelings. I was also made to feel like I had no true possessions because they gave me everything so everything that was mine was actually theirs and could be taken away at any moment. It was only in my 30’s after being married to my wife that I realized that not everyone who bought things for me thought this way. So I could stop the obsessive need to buy necessities with my own money all the time.
Concerned about themselves, yes. Clearly not interested in considering how they are treating her and how that has anything to do with it. Command and control - not love, care, concern, or consideration. This probably isn't the first time she was forced to share something, had it broken, and was told that she was the problem ... so she is making it clear that this is the last time. Note how OP goes on and on about his problems and Alanna's problems but completely dismisses his older daughter? That's the tell right there.
This is an especially good point considering that ADHD is extremely heritable. Like, if a child is diagnosed with it, it’s likely that the siblings and at least one parent has it
My little brother had severe problems when he was little and behavior like these parents harms all relationships, he was over them by 10 but by that point the damage had been done.
My older brother and I couldn't stand him because he was a spoiled, coddled brat that would only be given a fraction of the chores we had at every age he was until his late teens. Parents may not be able to notice differences in treatment but the non Golden child definitely could and that builds resentment.
We didn't have any real relationship until he was off to college and the real world normalized him a bit
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u/imnotnotcrying 5d ago
It’s 100% a glass child situation. Casey was probably “the easy kid” because if she has any neurodivergence or anything else going on, it wasn’t something that caused problems that were enough to be noticed by OP and his wife. Alana has struggles because of adhd, but mom and dad are absolutely holding her back by setting responsibility limits that she absolutely needs to learn to surpass.