ADHD definitely makes a lot of things more difficult, but it is not so debilitating that a weekend or after-school job should be out of the question, especially with your help in scheduling and requiring more self-discipline from her. Either way, she will need to pay her sister back eventually. When do you think that will be? When do you think there will no longer be excuses for not getting a job? YTA. Alana needs to be held responsible. If she had crashed any random person’s car, you would be responsible for paying for it whether it was in your budget or not. In this case, you should also be helping to pay Casey back and then Alana can pay you back.
If Alana's ADHD is so severe that she cannot work, she probably does not need to be driving either. There are enough distracted drivers on the road, we all do not need another one on the road that causes severe accidents.
Also wondering if there are all these medical bills because Alana was not listed on the policy and not covered by the insurance. That's also on Mom and Dad if they coerced daughter into giving access to her car to Alana.
If she is not capable of being responsible because of her actions because of ADHD, then she is not capable of driving period. It's not safe for her or others on the road.
An unmedicated ADHD 16 year old should not be allowed to drive. They are on average 3 years behind in key developmental milestones. Here's some more information on ADHD and driving from Russell Barkley.
Yep so much this. The OP is full of shit as i have a teenager with ADHD and anxiety. She is capable of driving and having a job. If she were as bad as OP claims, she should not have a license.
Seems like the parents are being overly cautious, but to be fair it doesn’t say she cannot work, just that she can’t balance school and work.
She’s 16 and if her ADHD is really bad, it is possible that she needs a lot of extra time to compete her schoolwork and potentially has a tutor. Whether or not she should work to replace the car, a job with even 15-20 hours per week might really impact her academics.
All the more reason Alana should not be behind the wheel of a 4000 lb vehicle.
If she cannot handle two separate tasks at two separate times in two separate locations, school and work, then she certainly cannot handle driving as there are way too many distractions and variables while driving. There is no way she cannot handle working 2 days a weekend for a few hours and not have enough time for homework and extra studying during the week.
One of the main components to successfully managing ADHD is time management skills. Alana will need this in all aspects of her life to be successful. Until she has a handle on that, she should not be driving and sharing the road with the rest of us. I don't want to have my own car totaled again because someone is rushing to get to work because they did not manage their time properly and did not leave on time. I'm sure you do not either.
And being very blunt about it, if her ADHD is so severe she cannot be gainfully employed (this is doubtful to me as an aside), there's no ramifications for her future if her grades slip. They're little more than shiny trophies for her parents
I think the argument isn’t that she can’t work, it’s that she can’t work and manage school at the same time, that being said I think it’s only right that she gets a summer job or something along those lines.
I think the point is that she can't manage schoolwork AND a job at the same time. And she should be receiving support at school to prepare her for managing life in the real world.
If she cannot manage two separate events, being at school and being at a job, she sure as heck does not possess the attention and focus needed to operate a 4000 lb machine on wheels with a the variables that go along with driving.
She needs to not drive by herself until she can get some practical tools to manage her ADHD effectively and navigate other areas in her life. She needs a hell of a lot more practice behind the wheel with a parent until she can drive solo.
Teenagers/new drivers are already a wild card on the road. A teenager who is coddled and has excuses made for them for having a common condition such as ADHD by her parents is a hard no from me. Alana has a lot of work to do if she wants the same things as her sister like a car and driving privileges. She has to work on her ADHD. Others should not have to suffer consequences for Alana's poorly managed condition.
ADHD is a reason. Not an excuse. One day Mommy and Daddy are not going to be able to excuse behavior and avoid consequences.
I do not want myself or my loved ones sharing a road with someone who has poorly managed ADHD.
For the first sentence I don't buy that frankly. Sounds like her social life needs to suffer as she picks up weekend shifts somewhere, and her parents need to help manage her schoolwork time.
In fact, this happened 6 months ago - sounds like she should have worked all summer when schoolwork was not a priority at all. If she couldn't be employed due to her ADHD during that time frame then it loops back around to my first comment
Exactly. What was she doing all summer??? I have 2 teenage girls in high school right now, and 1 is getting her license in November. She is giving trumpet lessons for $20/hr and has already saved up $1,000.00 towards a car.
Then she doesn’t need to joyride around town and can stay focused on just the one thing at a time while mom and dad support her… instead of forcing their other children to manage their childcare duties.
Everyone's different, but the most successful years of my life (as someone with ADHD) were when I was working full time and going to school part time. It gave my mind the variety it needed to be satisfied and not drift so much in unhelpful directions.
Full time university was beyond me, even without a job. Or maybe because I didn't work when I tried full-time school. Guess I'll never know which.
My most successful years were my 20's when I was in school full time and working full time. I was in nursing school and working at least 2 jobs. When I got into my masters program, I was doing 3 days of clinical, and working 3, 12° shifts in the ER with every Sunday off. I did this until I was 30 and got married.
This. My son has severe ADHD and when we were doing the entrance interview with the Doctor of the specialized program we got him into at Children’s Hospital the Doctor specifically said, “Adults with unmanaged ADHD tend to get into a lot of car accidents.”
And if OP and his wife know the severity of her ADHD and don’t have her in proper treatment, then they’re being irresponsible parents to both of their children.
I want to know how many times before this the younger sister has ruined something that mattered to the older sister, and the parents waved it away and blamed ADHD like they’re doing now. Based on how strongly the older sister is reacting, I feel like this can’t possibly be the first time.
He really cares about both kids, which is why he took one of their cars and totalled it while endangered the life of the other by allowing her to drive it with severe debilitating ADHD!
Dad of the year here, willing to put the foot down NOW and make sure Casey gets even less while Alana gets more
ADHD medication can be very expensive she could have taken the test with medication to pass. She might have thought she could have driven without meds or she might have still driven with meds and just be an inexperienced driver and crashed. There are a lot of details missing from the story.
Amen!! How was she able to get a license and think she had the capacity to drive a multi-ton death machine when she can't even WORK? This is just bad parenting.
I feel for the 17 year old. Hopefully she can make something of her life.
And demonstrably true, seeing as she literally had an accident that caused Casey's car to be totalled and her own arm and leg to get broken, let alone what probably happened to the other car and its occupents.
Agreed. My brother has severe ADHD and he totaled my car because, I kid you not, he saw a Half Price Books near my house, took his eyes off the road, and rear ended someone at a red light. 🤦🏼♀️ Luckily I had GAP insurance, but because it was my car and my policy, it killed my insurance rates. And I still had to buy a new car, which I was not financially prepared to do. He doesn’t drive anymore—not entirely because of the ADHD thing, but I’m sure it’s part of it. Turns out he also developed a form of epilepsy in later adulthood so he’s no longer legally able to drive anyway. He has a bike now he uses to commute when and where he needs to (he lives in Madison) and he stays off the road.
Not sure what the rules are like where OP is from but in Australia people on ADHD medications need to have paperwork approved by the department of transport that the medication doesn’t affect their driving etc. I wonder if this could have impacted the insurance
Not likely. I have only seen something like this when it applies to seizure medications or a diabetic who had an incident while driving or if there is an injury to vision/the eyes.
If the sister was not specifically named on the policy as an authorized driver, most insurance do not have to cover and will not.
Most places in the states now have you list all liscensed drivers on the policy if you share the same address/live together. Related or not in Michigan.
So if I take my car to a repair shop and they have an accident while driving my car for test purposes, it would be covered by the repair shop policy. If I let my Mom borrow my car as we do not live at the same address, she would be covered. But if Mom lives with me and I let her borrow my car and she is not listed on the policy, my insurance will not cover anything. These are the laws in Michigan. Other states have similar variations and some do not. Depends on where you're located.
The insurance may have paid out on the totaled car, but that doesn't necessarily mean Alana was a covered driver. That is probably why OP mentioned all the medical bills from the accident as most car insurance policies have provisions for medical care built right into the policy unless the driver is not covered due to not being listed on the policy properly. If the parents skimped on the coverage and are letting both of their teenage daughters ride around on partial coverage (PLPD) and not full coverage, then OP hopefully learned an expensive lesson.
Also of note, due to this accident and the likelihood of not having Alana fully insured properly, all on the policy, including the sister who's car was totaled, will have their rates shoot up.
Feel like the ADHD is more of an excuse? It depends if she's taking medication which she really should be if it's really bad. I have ADHD also and though I choose not to drive a car, it's also cause I have really bad anxiety and mixing that with ADHD my mind goes all over the place when I feel corner or trap.
Having ADHD does make things harder , but if she doesn't have any anxiety for social situations it should be fine. Feel like there information missing about this whole situation though.
I'm guessing if money is actually as tight as OP is implying they probably had the minimal amount of insurance required by law. Which would only be coverage for the car and driver you hit and not yourself. The price difference between coverage for yourself and your car or just the car you end up hitting can be pretty significant.
Severe ADHD can be very impairing (especially if combined with something like a lower IQ) and I think this is the right take.
If Alana requires that much support and crashed a car that badly, they need to consider social security disability insurance for her and driving shouldn’t be an option. If she’s that distractible it can be the equivalent of her driving under the influence. I have so many questions about this situation, but none of them would change my mind about the parents being AHs.
Bro, 100%! I have pretty bad ADHD, i have been screaming this for years. Got a job she is interested in and boom, you have yourself a new car. The public school system doesn't work for a lot of kids but the majority of high schoolers with ADHD can't survive in an atmosphere that doesnt excite them. Me, case and point.
And if it is that bad she should be on meds which would help with her focus issues.
OP is using Alana’s ADHD as a crutch. She isn’t disabled OP she just a neurodivergence and if is using the skills taught to her thru her OT or from school she can function just fine with a job. If anything it would probably help since she would have to be more strict on her routine and ADHD peeps need to keep busy.
YTA OP. There is def more you are leaving out. Do not have any health or car insurance?
And why is school so important if she can't work a job? Life doesn't get easier with managing multiple things at once. If she plans to go to college that's a whole level of complexity, and then in the workforce, potentially even more.
Fun (not really) story - my parents sent me to a church counselor once. She ended up being the first person ever to tell my parents are/were abusive narcissists. So not all are terrible and I’m not even religious anymore!
This ADHD excuse just pisses me of, I have severe ADHD and that doesn't excuse me from taking responsibility for my actions, OP is throwing it around like we're supposed to just go " oh, it's fine, she has ADHD" not how that works. She fucked up, and should face the consequences.
Can you imagine if all of us with ADHD didn’t work while in school or didn’t have any activities outside of work? I think we make up like a quarter of the population, don’t we?
Yeah.. OP wants us to believe that Alana (if not in school) is just bouncing around a round room unable to function doing simple tasks like “Hi, welcome to Applebees. Is a booth ok?”
Y’all, homework is a thing that exists. Teens got to school from 7/8 till 3, and then they typically have a couple hours worth of homework. That’s a full-time job, especially if you have ADHD slowing you down. It’s admirable when teens do more than that, but It’s not spoiled for a teen to focus on school.
I agree that if the parents pressured Casey into letting Alana drive her car, then OP is an asshole. But that alone makes him an asshole. There’s no need to berate Alana for focusing on school; that’s the thing that she’s supposed to be prioritizing at 16.
This is a thing now? Wow. This would have helped me so much. I have pretty bad ADHD and was diagnosed as a child. I actually performed well on all my classwork and tests because I was quite bright, but my grades were godawful because I could not bring myself to do homework most days. If I didn't straight up forget that I had homework, I could not focus on it at home because once the bell rang and I was out of class, my "school brain" flew out the window haha (funny enough, I'm actually struggling a bit with my WFH job now for the same reason -- I can focus in the office, but not at home).
I did have an IEP but all they ever did was pull me out of honors classes and gave me extra time for tests (i never needed extra time on tests because I was actually really good at tests and was often the first one done). So it was really a net negative haha. No homework or even weighing my grade so that homework wouldn't have such a huge impact on it would've turned me from a C average student to a straight A student.
My partner has the same struggle with focus when he works from home. He says he just can't get into the flow the same way he can in the office. Even when we lock him into the home office so he can get work done, he ends up distracted on his personal pc! Environment plays a huge role in our ability to focus. Is there something you can do to minick the office vibes? My partner is now dressing up as if he was going to the office - but this just started so unsure if it's been helpful.
The no homework is mostly common in CA right now but I hope it keeps picking up.
I didn't get diagnosed until 31, but I often wonder how much better school would've gone had I been diagnosed and accommodated for - but girls being diagnosed was very limited back then.
I’m not defending homework, which I agree is overused. But if you think IEPs are consistently honored by all schools across the US, or that the parents consistently get to decide how they’re honored, you have limited experience.
Regardless. My point isn’t that Casey shouldn’t be made whole. My point is that it’s perfectly reasonable for parents to decide their daughter’s disability wouldn’t be well served by taking on a part-time job.
It doesn’t mean she’s lazy or spoiled. It just means that in that case, the responsibility for paying for Casey’s replacement car needs to be shouldered by the parents.
Puhleeze… I grew up in an Albanian household where we owned a family restaurant. I went to school everyday, did my homework directly after school then worked EVERY NIGHT and doubles on weekends and still managed to get good grades.
So sick of everyone using excuses nowadays just for being lazy. And then they look at Asian families and wonder how do they become so successful. It’s called hard work, discipline and sacrifice.
It really depends on what set of stats you use, but I think the highest is something like 11% of children. And it goes down to 8% of adults. Some stats say it is only 5%.
right???? like does it suck sometimes juggling activities and work and friends and loved ones with my ADHD? massively. does that mean I get an exemption from this stuff? no, not at all. Alana's gonna have a rude awakening when her parents are no longer able to cover for her and erase any mistakes she makes.
Not a quarter. More like 8% at most. I think the parents are right. I have severe adhd and had a 4.0 all throughout my engineering degree. I decided not to work and to take on loans instead. I also did my degree at a slower pace. You can absolutely do both at once. You just won't be able to succeed at both at once while maintaining some semblance of adulthood. Plus my brain didn't mature enough to multitask effectively til I was like 24. Adhd is categorized by a stunted development of the frontal lobe. It's very understandable that people would have a hard time juggling more than one focus at a time.
This is all hard core the parents fault though. If they knew anything about adhd, she shouldn't have let Alana near that car with a ten foot pole. New drivers are always at risk for a crash. New adhd drivers are ten times worse.
People with ADHD fail out of school at a much higher rate than those without. The combined stats for positive outcomes in school for people with ADHD paint a rather grim picture of the education system for people with ADHD.
I'm not commenting on the OP scenario, but it is not unreasonable to say that it is a very bad idea for someone with ADHD to split their resources between school and work so much so that doing so when not necessary for survival can be a form of self-sabotage. Even if necessary for survival, it makes it that much less likely a positive outcome is achieved.
It probably evens out quite a bit for those with support from parents and school, especially with more recent knowledge and acknowledgment. The only sector that cared about it when I was young was the drug companies that were marketing it to the parents who were frustrated with their kids.
I was not able to work with I was in uni due to my ADHD. My major was too hard. I worked really hard to get a scholarship so my college and living expenses were covered so I could do that, and in order to do that, I couldn’t work in community college so I lived on financial aid.
Some of us have severe ADHD or went to harder colleges
I only worked because I needed to for the money in college. I think it did negatively effect my grades. My major wasn’t overly difficult. I was never self-disciplined enough, but that can be learned. You were smart and planned ahead, but if things hadn’t gone as planned, you could have worked and gone to school and ended up with a GPA a few points lower.
Exactly, why is this post treating ADHD like a severe handicap? If I damaged any of the cars I'd ever been lent I'd be paying for it myself. Most of us have jobs and are perfectly capable of going to school while working. This just sounds like when someone hit my car and my dad kept the insurance check but didn't tell me till way later and said it was to pay the mortgage so I couldn't really argue.
I don’t think anyone who is in school full time should have to work a job. And ADHD IS a disability. Also, everyone with ADHD is different, some struggle in different areas more than others.
I was working full time (in a demanding career) while getting my masters. Yes it was incredibly hard, ADHD made it worse, but I managed.
Sometimes in working meetings I legit have to say “sorry my brain skipped for a second, can you repeat that?” But that’s me owning the issue and correcting it. I also don’t look at the person when they talk in these types of meetings, I stare at a piece of paper or the table (ie no visual distractions) when someone’s explaining something, it helps me stay focused on what’s actually being said. I also take a lot of notes even things that don’t need to be written down, that again keeps me focused on the conversation. I also tell people I do this to remain in the convo bc my brain is all over the place. 99% of people appreciate this tactic.
I started learning this back in elementary school when I was diagnosed with a learning disability (back in the 1989). Back then, getting diagnosed was nearly unheard of for ‘mainstream’ kids. I was the first in my class to be diagnosed AND kept in the normal classes.
So many people use the ADHD / Learning Disability card as a pass on why they can’t meet a standard or act a certain way. I’m sorry but it’s not an excuse that will be accepted later in life.
2 of my kids have ADHD. One with hyper reactive. Some of their issues are similar, some different, but they both learned how to be productive, competent people. I didn't coddle or excuse, I did try to help them find a way. You know, like you do for all kids. How to cope, manage emotions, time, ect.
Person with ADHD here...I worked three jobs while going to college and having a life. That's a BS excuse from the op, and he is doing nothing remotely helpful for either of his children. That he coddles the kid with ADHD is doing more to ruin her future than making her work to pay back her sister could ever do.
Yeah, I've noticed that too as someone with ADHD that a lot of people, including ones who don't have ADHD have been using it as an excuse for a while now to avoid accountability and it does genuinely piss me off
You have the key word there: "managed." Maybe it's a relatively recent diagnosis and they haven't figured out her meds and/or had OT for long enough to be effective yet. Maybe they're in a community that's being hit harder than others by the shortage of ADHD meds.
Though if any of that is true, she shouldn't have been driving at her age. 🙄
As a fellow ADHD-er with a job and a family (well, a wife and cats 😅), I also absolutely despise people who use their neurodivergence as an excuse for shitty behaviour.
It delegitimises the very real issues we deal with every day.
It also doesn’t require constant medical intervention! You get on one of the few medications available, or come up with an alternative management, and carry on. Not sure why OP acts like it’s some crushing ongoing medical burden.
My wife and our kids all have some levels of diagnosed ADHD or Autism.
All that means is that we need to have plans and systems in place for success. I know if it's "get shit done" weekend, I need a list. I know if we're going to do something out of the ordinary, I need to explain the process to my son in advance. That's life and that's parenting. Diagnoses allow a framework to better understand ourselves. They are not excuses.
It's because the internet has destroyed everyone's attention spans, so everyone thinks they have ADHD now. Since everyone thinks that's all ADHD is, attention problems 🙄
I find the opposite to be true actually. Most people hear ADHD and roll their eyes. Like it’s not sometimes actually debilitating. They just say stuff like, try harder or just stop being lazy.
im literally disabled from my adhd, autism and cptsd but internet people think thats laziness and irl people like family dont believe any of it exists despite me being diagnosed. i wish “try harder” worked, but it doesnt.
I use it as an excuse or at least a reason like
“Sorry I leave cabinets open I have adhd and forgot”
NOT
“Sorry I CRASHED YOUR CAR?”
At 16 I ran into my neighbors car and had to pay $800 to replace the door. I missed soccer camp for two weeks that summer to take a nanny job.
This is the #1 reason why I don’t share with ANYONE (almost) IRL that I have severe ADHD and I am heavily medicated for it. Any time it comes up people chuckle and say it’s a BS disability precisely because it became so “fashionable” to have it lately and everyone uses it as an excuse. I hate it. Not only I have a debilitating disability but the entire world thinks of it as something “cutesy”.
Seriously. My son has ADHD and he’s a high functioning, working, traveling young man who graduated with high honors from college.
Was it easy? Nope. Can it be done? Yes.
It’s insulting to people (and those close to them) with ADHD when it’s used as an excuse for not being able to do everyday things.
I have ADHD and went into IT. It actually allows me to be able to do many tasks at once and allows my mind to wander from Job to Job. This gives me an advantage.
The ADHD excuse is overplayed. I find it infuriating. It doesn’t allow for personal accountability or autonomy in the situation. Also doesn’t account for there are different types of adhd. I lean more towards hyperactivity and I venture to say that makes me a damn good driver because I notice literally everything. When are we going to stop pathologizing every diagnosis and deny that any strengths come with them or that were broken shells of human beings?
I have it big time too and I agree with you. Though I don't agree with the "she should have thought of that before she crashed my car", like c'mon accidents happen and the very definition of an accident is that you didn't want it to happen. But yeah I think the eldest has every right to be pissed off, while she should recognise that the youngest made a mistake and that mistakes are human. Youngest has to make it up to her in some way that fits them all. Not speaking ever again makes me think a human element is needed - not just the material thing of the car but recognition that things are fucked up and she might be feeling that the parents are covering up any blame, which is good for protecting each other but is stopping any chance at a real resolution or consequences.
OP knows they are a dick and wants people to agree with there shit parenting. They probaly forced the older girl to let her sister use the car. Why couldn’t they use the parents?
"she has severe ADHD....so anyway we let her borrow her sisters 4,000lb mobile metal cage that operates on explosions" like wtf if it's so bad it impacts her life maybe she shouldn't be driving regardless of whose car it is?
My neighbor recently cut the "grassy area" because it was too tall. She essentially mowed over my flowerbeds and all my other plantings. When I spoke to her about it she 'has ADHD and just saw it had to be trimmed and just did it'. Uh no, you know it's a shared space and you chose to not ask about how to care for it. Her response, well 'because of my ADHD I may do something like this again'. You do not have ADHD, you have a lack of respect for the rest of the neighbors and need an excuse to do stupid shit.
I have ADHD and getting a job early in life was one of the best things I could have done. You learn routines, time management, self discipline, social interaction with different kinds of people,etc. I will always struggle but working as a teenager helped me so much.
I wasn't diagnosed until my 30s, in large part because my dad (who in hindsight was probably also ND) was huge on structure for everyone and everything. I don't think it was intentional but I was raised with mechanisms that taught me to compensate for serious ADHD. Having expectations for your kids and giving them the tools to meet them isn't abuse, it kind of feels like the bare minimum.
Not gonna lie, I’m 💯 sure that my ADHD is why I’ve had up to four jobs at one time, and why I’m jonesing for a side gig even tho I’m doing okay with my full time. Also, honestly, I feel like my ADHD makes me feel more responsible for things than I actually am, and if I had done this I’d have a job the next day to work to pay off my mistake
I'm wondering if Alana is medicated. It doesn't sound like they're actually managing and learning how to work with her ADHD they just say "it's ADHD" and move on and that's not how you should parent a child with ADHD
Same. Crazy adhd and rapid cycling bipolar 1. She should try labor jobs. Most of us are either addicts or mentally ill lol and we get shit done. It helps me a ton.
Im also wondering whyyyy tf they havent worked on getting Alana medication for it? i have AuDHD and cant get medication for my adhd yet and its HELL. like actual hell! family therapy was a waste
Also as someone with ADHD, I HATED when people would say stuff like this to me. It made me feel extremely incompetent and when I was and still am fully capable of being a fully functional adult
Yea, the adhd part is pure excuse. Have been diagnosed since I was 13 and had both a job and a license at 15. Each person has their own limitations, but blaming adhd on both the accident and her lack of capability to recomp is just being the absolute laziest form of parent.
Thank you for saying this. I don’t have ADHD, but throughout Reddit, it seems to be a primary justification for any and all bad behavior (the other being “on the spectrum”). Why is it used like a “get out of jail free” card?
This. I have mental health issues, including ADHD, that are so severe I really have had trouble finishing my degree and maintaining employment (currently unemployed due to a depressive episode that cost me my job). if I borrowed someone's car and crashed it, that would still be my fuckin responsibility to pay for!! I'm considering applying for disability because my issues make it so hard to be employed. if Alana really does have issues that are that bad, and she doesn't have any cash to pay her sister back, OP should really look into that as an option. but most likely he won't because she isn't really that disabled and wouldn't qualify tbqfh
This. My whole life has been a terrible struggle due to ADHD and autism, but I still know not to mess with other peoples things or destroy other peoples property. And I’m definitely fine with holding multiple jobs, which I have done in the past. parents excuse their kids and using ADHD for that is the worst thing they can do. Alana will not have a chance in the real world if she doesn’t learn now that she is capable of doing the same things as everybody else. She needs to learn that actions have consequences.
Bot only that, there are more details about the younger daughter and he problems. How has this affected the older one? Did she need it to get to work or school? Was she trying to get things in order for college? There is definitely that older child is responsible and can help the family and suck it up, younger child is younger and can't do as much, oh hey, they are disadvantaged by a disorder to boot. Hell, older kid is probably masking and undiagnosed.
Not only that, if they could have bought a car for the older kid, why not buy one for the younger one?
Thank you!! I'm glad someone said it. I have severe adhd and I tend house, take care of my kids, going back to school full time, and I work.. I dont get why the younger daughter gets an excuse, and Casey gets the 💩 end of the stick.
And probably because the younger daughter uses it to excuse everything she does wrong. And probably learned to make it into a bigger deal from her parents. She is playing them!! And if I were the older daughter, I would get away as quick as possible.
100%, sounds like parents are just enabling her to use it as an excuse.
I have ADHD, too, and I have learned to hone the skills I do have to use the neuro-spiciness to my advantage. I work a full-time job, a part-time job, and I’m in an MBA program.
It’s all about perspective.
He is literally treating it like hospice care or she's on her death bed. She's a teenager with ADHD she can't handle because her parents have been too busy making excuses every time she fucks up.
It reminds me of that tweet where someone was like “nobody talks about how hard Halloween costumes are for the adhd community” and someone quoted with “omg you people can’t do anything” loll
my son has adhd and when he was younger he'd use that as an excuse. I always told him that adhd doesn't mean you can't do things, it means you have to work HARDER.
dude same, mine is a gift and curse as a college student. on the one hand i can write 6 papers in 4 hours, on the other i lay on the couch and have motivation paralysis. but OP should know that she is going to have to get a job eventually. i have a full 40 hour a week job AND i go to college full-time AND i have severe ADHD. it’s a part of life!!
I have seen enabler parents...the kind who say "oh, my kid has XYZ" and they coddle them even after graduation. And then the kid basically becomes loser with no job, no higher education, and no responsibilities who makes excuses for everything. I can't understand how any parent can stomach having a kid like that.
Idk how old you are, maybe you just have it figured out better than I do lol. But my unsolicited advice as someone with adhd is I used to have that mentality and it's what made it possible for a while for me to do an insane amount of work in short spurts when I was able to lock in which overall kept me stable. In college I burned out so hard trying to do that and idk if I've ever fully recovered my ability to push that hard
Plus it looks like OP is not even willing to try it. They dismissed the suggestion without even giving it a go. Like not even a few hours one day a week. If Caseys ADHD is under control enough that they trust her to drive a car alone, she can work a job. The work experience will probably be better for her than her grades in the long run anyway.
It got f*cking tiring. I used to suspect I had ADHD, but then I realised that whether I had the diagnosis or not, it was up to ME to work on my behaviour and habits, and that's what I did. The meds will only take you so far and don't fix the habitual problems in ADHD. It's still hard, very hard sometimes, but I work, I do part-time school, I live alone and look after myself.
I am so over this infantilisation of people with ADHD. Most are capable of working on themselves and being extremely productive and well functioning.
I have adhd and its pretty bad without my medication. I have the hyperactivity and hyperfocusing issue with adhd. Constantly in trouble at school, getting grounded by my parents from the many phone calls home about my behavior.
I found a career that works for me. I (currently oncology nurse) started out in ICU and occasionally emergency dept. Those units are fast paced, so I was on my feet most of the 12.5hr shift. I loved managing 11+ IV medications, ventilator, the physical assessments, monitoring my pt's labs, and the constantly changing environment. There was rarely a slow shift.
The hyper focusing benefits my patients, because I noticed subtle changes of possible deterioration that most do not. As a result, I can let the doctors know earlier, so they can make changes in their care to help prevent it.
If I had a desk job, I would probably have been fired within the first couple of weeks. I would probably be constantly fidgeting in the chair, rearranging the desk, and getting off task due to boredom.
Funny thing was as I got to know my coworkers, type A personalities and OCD was common with icu nurses. It makes sense because we labeled all the iv lines and organize them. We have to make sure everything is in order, the care and time it takes to keep a critically ill or injured pt alive, Q15 min-Q1hr assessments...etc. On the other hand, ADHD was common in emergency room nurses. We can thrive in the right environment.
OP is doing her daughter a disservice by coddling, her and not allowing her to have more responsibility. Alana needs to learn how to cope and function.
My child has ADHD. Working has helped her immensely. She is very physically active at work with little down time. It helps expend extra energy and being physically tired afterwards helps her get restful sleep (before her mind would wander keeping her up). ADHD might not be a great fit for a lot of jobs, but most 16 year olds aren't going to be working a 9-5 desk job. They are going to be waiting tables, or washing cars, or stocking shelves, etc.
This. I have ADHD and I worked the entirety of my high school experience. And I’m glad my parents encouraged me to do so. ADHD or not, you have to learn how to exist in the real world where multiple types of pressures will pull on you at once. That’s life.
As a matter of fact, getting a job and structuring time as well as learning responsibility is EXACTLY what someone with ADHD benefits from, not this coddling wishy washy bullshit from OP.
Learn how to parent and replace your daughter's car. YTA.
I have pretty severe ADHD and raised two kids with ADHD. Yes there are challenges, but it is really important that parents help their kids learn how to address these challenges. A huge part of this involves learning how to schedule things that need to be accomplished.
There is no way that Alana comes home from school and does nothing but homework until bed. Most teachers avoid giving homework on weekends.
If Alana is spending large chunks of time during the evenings and weekends playing video games, watching shows, etc then this is probably building resentment, especially if Casey is still working.
Also nobody should ever borrow anything they cannot afford to replace, not loan anything they are not prepared to lose.
I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until 40, but as a teen I was able to have a part time job, help care for my younger siblings, do chores, volunteer, be in multiple clubs, tri varsity athlete, and stay on honor or high honor roll and graduate with a full university scholarship. I did not even have my license nor a car to drive, and I lived with my emotionally abusive and manipulative mother who had a live in heroin addict boyfriend with 7 kids between them. So, yeah, she's coddled and can get a damn job. Take out a loan and pay back your daughter, or she's going to cut all of you out of her life the moment she graduates. YTA
ADHD the great cop out… my in-laws coddle my 26 year old nephew like he’s crippled meanwhile he’s out every night. He crashes a car everyone changes their routines to drive him around until I ask why the insurance company didn’t give him a rental? He thought it was a hassle.. wtf? The excuse is he’s unreliable he has ADHD, not he’s unreliable because he’s fucking high all the time and it only gets worse.
Agree, seeing adhd used as an excuse for enabling children to not become independent. A job may help her find her niche in the world and employment she can sustain in adulthood, especially if she’s not college bound.
I fear this is a case of learned helplessness. I have severe and medicated ADHD. Held the same job from 16-21, and am now working in the 15th year of my career job. I was able to work, graduate high school, college, get married and have two kids in that time. Its amazing what somebody who isnt coddled and is appropriately supported can do, in spite of a diagnosis.
Yep- I’m pretty lazy and tend to avoid anything that discomforts me in any way. I think if I hadn’t had incentive to work, I would still be living with my parents.
My friend’s sister with autism was coddled and treated as though she would never be independent and seemed to be that way into her 20s. When their mom died, she got a job at a library stocking books because they needed money. A few years later she started community college and now she’s about to graduate and has done two summers of internships in accounting. I’m not saying this is common, but it happens.
I have ADHD and having a job in high school actually helped me. I went to school all day and work immediately after and knew exactly what I needed to do and was always on a deadline in a way.
Many with ADHD work better under pressure when decisions don't have to be made. I left school and had 30 minutes to get to work, at McDonald's, and the fast pace kept me in focus. I'll be honest and say my school work wasnt the best, but it wasn't going to be even without the job.
As someone with severe adhd
Her parents are doing her a disservice
She is going to NEED to learn to manage her symptoms to be a functional adult
Yes it’s a crappy hand to be dealt but she needs to learn to manage it.
ADHD can be difficult speaking personally but also she has to learn to function in the world. This includes gaining work experience. The parents should be mindful and consider total hours. You're 100% right in what you suggest here. She shouldn't work 12 hour night shifts in the mines. But a stable appropriate job might even force her to follow a more structured schedule and plan her time appropriately. Also a job will give her the chance to learn what her skills and strengths are in ways school alone does not provide. You just need to experience the real world a bit. ADHD isn't a death sentence there are upsides and downsides but she processes the world differently from other people and she needs to learn how to work with that. You don't get to choose the cards you are dealt but you get to choose how you play those cards. Mom and dad are not letting this kid develop life skills that they will need. I know the family has limited finances but a coach of some sort similar to a tutor but for ADHD could be very helpful for her. Curious what Alana thinks of all of this. I feel bad for both kids. Parents aren't helping the situation. They're the adults and it sounds like the older child is actually acting as the adult now.
Yeah my ADHD is severe and was undiagnosed in high school and I always had some kind of part time job as soon as I was old enough. My grades were always very dependent on whether I liked the teacher or not, so they were never great. But they were consistent even after I started working.
All money the insurance gave them from the crash needs to go to Casey now. Then Alana needs to work to pay the rest back. I had ADHD and was in sped classes and still held an after school job. ADHD is not an excuse to act like a spoiled child forever
I have ADHD. I struggled a lot. I got two degrees and work all day as a civil engineer and landscape architect. If she’s having that much of a struggle she needs to learn how to work with her ADHD instead of fighting against it. You have to do things differently. She should see a specialist
Great point, as parents they would be responsible for paying the difference between the insurance payout and ACV of the, other's person car at the time of the loss
Crushed it. OP, YTA. If OP is making payments on all the "important" bills, then paying back Casey should be in that list. It sounds like Casey was given the tough shit" rather than receiving (at least small) recurring payments but maybe I overlooked part of the story. If OP is going to pay on Alana's behalf, fine, do it.
And what is Alana doing instead of working? Sounds like she's completely off the hook! If you're not mature enough to take (financial) responsibility, you're not mature enough to drive! OP knows he's not going to allow Alana to work so he's at fault for allowing her to drive. If she's not working, she should work it off at home, cook the meals, mow the yard, crap like that. In terms of future ramifications, teaching her "I have no responsibility bc I have ADHD" doesn't seem great.
it is not so debilitating that a weekend or after-school job should be out of the question
Please don't make generalizations like this. ADHD can absolutely be this debilitating, especially with other responsibilities like school. Is this specific case of ADHD this severe? We don't know, but saying this like it's a fact won't do anyone any good.
It doesn't make ANYTHING of what happened OK. But forcing someone to try to do things they're simply unable to do is tantamount to torture and not an appropriate response to... anything really. ADHD isn't an excuse for what happened, but the idea she may be unable to make up for it with work due to ADHD may simply be the truth.
Right like if it is actually so debilitating that she can’t work, she definitely shouldn’t be driving because studies show that young women w adhd are particularly inattentive at the wheel and are much much more likely to crash
THIS - I have SEVERE ADHD and went undiagnosed until my 20s. I have had a job since I was 16. The child isn’t helpless and if her ADHD is truly as bad as they are making it out to be then she shouldn’t have been driving.
If she can’t handle a job then she sure as hell shouldn’t have been driving/handling a giant hunk of metal with the capability of going over 100+ miles per hour. Let alone driving around OTHER hunks of metal with the same capabilities.
They need to stop coddling her. The real world is going to hit her harder than that car accident if she is never forced to learn how to navigate the disorder and develop tools on how to handle it.
We can see who the favorite child is and I don’t blame the oldest daughter for acting the way she is.
If Alana crashed a random persons vehicle they would be responsible for paying the amount the insurance deemed the car was worth. They have insurance and went through it, however the teenager didn’t account for the car being worth half of what they thought it was.
Seems like there’s alot of shitty family dynamics going on, but realistically they were paid back, it’s ridiculous to think you will get what you paid for a brand new car once you drive it and the value plummets. Hopefully the family can get some semblance of normalcy, and the kid learns not to let anyone drive their vehicle. Next time she could easily be one of the defendants in a lawsuit if her sister hit someone.
ADHD is serious for some. it is a disorder and can be debilitating. which it has been in my case on and off in my life. it is no joke. I am not taking the dads side. however read my response to this post
Exactly this. If Alana was driving the parent's car and hit someone else's car, the parents & their insurance would be responsible for paying for fixing/replacing the other car. This situation should be treated the same way. Casey is not at fault, was not driving, and should not be punished for another driver's behavior, it doesn't matter WHO the driver was that destroyed Casey's car. Alana should have to get a weekend/summer job to pay the parents back. The parents are making choices that will be detrimental to both daughters in the long run.
And so many unanswered questions- Does Alana have a therapist to help her manage her symptoms? Does she have interventions to help her learn to cope with her diagnosis? She is 16, not 6. Adulthood is coming at her fast. Doesn't Casey still have a job? How is Casey getting to work/school/extracurriculars now? They are ruining their relationship with Casey and the possibility of a future relationship between Casey and Alana. They are destroying their family by not preparing Alana for adult responsibilities and foisting the fallout on Casey, who could be dealing with these effects for a while if not having a car harms her earning potential.
2.4k
u/CrastinatingJusIkeU2 5d ago
ADHD definitely makes a lot of things more difficult, but it is not so debilitating that a weekend or after-school job should be out of the question, especially with your help in scheduling and requiring more self-discipline from her. Either way, she will need to pay her sister back eventually. When do you think that will be? When do you think there will no longer be excuses for not getting a job? YTA. Alana needs to be held responsible. If she had crashed any random person’s car, you would be responsible for paying for it whether it was in your budget or not. In this case, you should also be helping to pay Casey back and then Alana can pay you back.