YTA. I get you're trying to protect Alana, but Casey has every right to be upset. She worked hard for that car, and now you're asking her to just wait while nothing is done. Making Alana contribute, even a little, shows accountability without ruining her future. You're dismissing Casey’s feelings, which is why she's so angry.
Alana also needs to learn that actions have consequences. Yes, it was an accident, but she took on the responsibility of Casey's car by borrowing it.
Working would probably be good for her, too. As someone with ADHD that was undiagnosed until adulthood, working as a teen did a lot to help prepare me for adult life. I still struggled, but I understood that you have to work for what you want - even when you really don't want to - and I'm glad I wasn't coddled like Alana is being here because I would've struggled even more if I didn't have that concept of personal responsibility from a young age.
The world isn't going to hand Alana anything on a silver platter and her parents won't always be around. They're doing her no favors by saying she "can't" do anything towards showing some responsibility for what happened.
This - I have ADHD as well and would have been screwed in the real world if my parents didn’t make me get a job in high school (coffee shop, like 12 hrs/week during the school year). Plus we had fun along the way.
Exactly!! A job is one of the best things that happened to me as a teen. Bosses don't coddle, and you figure out stradegies to help yourself be sucessful! Also, I feel like if she's able to drive, she's able to hold down a job!
“I feel like is she’s able to drive, she’s able to hold down a job” this makes no sense to me.
Driving does require good time management or organisation like a job does. Sometimes it requires balancing multiple tasks at once, but I find with driving that’s easy as most of it is committed to muscle memory, with a job almost none of its committed to muscle memory because each customer is different.
And anyway, she’s clearly NOT able to drive if she crashed it her first time.
100% I absolutely hate the way he writes about her ADHD and why the whole family can’t do this that and the third about everything involving the real world. Even worse is that he’s setting her up for total failure if she does end up going to college and being on her own for the first time so really he’s doing her a tremendous disservice in a lot of ways. Not to mention also just generally coming across as insufferable seeing the condition used as an excuse to not do the basic work that millions of people with ADHD have/had to do. It’s people like this that lead me to never ever mentioning my diagnosis or condition with anyone ever. The stigma is real and it’s cringe and this is exactly why.
All that said… despite still being undiagnosed back then, my grades always significantly improved throughout high school and college during the quarters/semesters when I was working part-time compared to not, like guaranteed at a minimum of a half point to full point or better on my GPA. First and only 4.0 semester in college taking 17 credits alongside the heaviest part time work schedule I’d ever had as a student between multiple jobs.
Not like I was pulling up my bootstraps or anything, but part time work as a student helped me a lot in ways I hadn’t realized until years later.
I’m the parent of a kid with severe ADHD. It’s treated to the best of our ability, and we’ve always taught Oldest that actions have consequences- through direct action and observation.
The thing is- coddling a kid with autism/ADHD etc ultimately doesn’t do them any good. They should be encouraged to live life to the best of their abilities, which Alana isn’t. The world isn’t built for kids like ours. It’s our job to prepare them for the world as it is, not as we want it to be.
I wasn't diagnosed til I was 50, and sometimes I wonder if it wasn't for the best. I've had a lot of frustrations, but also didn't coddle myself. I see a lot of comments on the ADHD subs about things people "can't" do. and always wonder. Is that something they know because of repeated efforts? Or did they just assume? Or did an overprotective parent tell them to not even try?
I have adhd and had to get a job in school, it absolutely had a negative effect on me. I was NOT ready. It really overwhelmed me and caused both my grades and mental health to suffer. My adhd needed to be treated first and jumping into the deep end was not it.
Casey needs to realize it was an accident and not done on purpose , casey sounds like she values material objects more than people, did she even check to see if alana was ok after the accident my guess is no
Just because something was an accident doesn’t absolve the consequences or the hurt feelings of having a car you worked so hard for, completely ruined. And having your parents tell you to just suck it up because the golden child shouldn’t have to get a job to make up for it.
It’s basically just removing your freedom as a teen in America. A car is a social tool at that age, not just a luxury. Like if your friends have cars it’s one thing but having one yourself means a lot. I’d probably have been severely secluded if I didn’t have one. Then to just have no payoff for working years to buy one and it’s gone in an instant.
To the point of breaking off all contact with your family at age 17 over a car? I understand being very upset but a car is just a car at the end of the day.
People who want to be seen „hijack“ the top comment because after a post has a large number of comments the bottom comments rarely get attention. That’s why people do it
I know what hijacking is and it used to be frowned upon by the user base here, though I guess that's changed. It's weird, and I've twice called it out and you can tell by the downvotes that I hit a nerve for some people with it. This phenomena is mostly prevalent inside these "Am I the" subs and you don't see it a lot elsewhere. Some of you get too invested in this shit. -8 in 16min is laughable.
Hilarious, and I just had to vote you back to 1 just for talking to me. I swear, Reddit could be studied for the evidence of mental health issues the site contains.
Yeah I don’t like it either, people are essentially saying they think their opinion is above what the others who commented before you have said and it’s okay to push their opinions on down so your’s is more likely to be seen. The real funny thing is, it’s usually the same sentiment over and over, saying exactly the same thing the others are saying.
Unless you have some really helpful insight, different from the others or perhaps some links to helpful resources it’s kind of an AH thing to do in itself.
If you’re just gonna say the same thing or nothing of real consequence then just add your upvote to the others or make your own comment.
Right? Textbook example here too. Are some people that desperate for karma? You'd think if it was just a natural phenomena they wouldn't get so mad and downvote so heavily about it when it's called out. I guess some just take their farming that seriously lol
NTA. As a parent, you're in a tough situation where you have to balance the needs and well-being of both daughters. While Casey’s anger and frustration over losing her car is understandable, holding her sister fully responsible to the point of potentially jeopardizing her future might be unreasonable. Alana didn’t crash the car on purpose, and her ADHD could make balancing school and work even more challenging.
It's understandable that Casey feels deeply hurt and wronged, especially since she worked hard to buy that car, but placing all the blame and responsibility on Alana without considering her difficulties feels harsh. You're doing the right thing by trying to stand up for both daughters and setting boundaries around emotional manipulation. Rebuilding the relationship will likely take time, and family therapy seems like a smart move. But letting Casey’s demands go unchecked might lead to unhealthy dynamics down the road.
You're putting both daughters' futures in mind, and that’s what makes you NTA in this situation.
Alana is 16, in two years she’ll be an adult. At some point she has to learn how to manage her ADHD while simultaneously having responsibilities otherwise you’re just setting her up for failure.
Alana needs to learn to step up and be responsible for herself at some point in her life and this is a good time for her to learn. ADHD is not an excuse to avoid everything. She's going to be a failure to launch with the way her parents keep coddling her.
You’re the asshole for this comment. Amazing how Alana could figure out how to study for a drivers license and take the test with her school work but she can’t get a two day a week job?!! 🤔
People like you are what’s wrong with the world. Keep scapegoating and letting Alana off the hook instead of teaching her consequences, accounting and responsibility.
Shell be just fine with a job.
She should’ve never had a drivers license if her adhd is “that severe” that she can’t have a job even ONE day a week.
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u/HoottJellyy 6d ago
YTA. I get you're trying to protect Alana, but Casey has every right to be upset. She worked hard for that car, and now you're asking her to just wait while nothing is done. Making Alana contribute, even a little, shows accountability without ruining her future. You're dismissing Casey’s feelings, which is why she's so angry.