It's not going to have a major impact on Alana's schoolwork if she gets a very, very part time job. In the real world, she's going to have to learn to not use ADHD as a reason not to do something and you not teaching her this before she gets out of school is going to be at a big disadvantage to her. And this will also then be a gesture to Casey that you guys want to do right by her.
It's really not fair that the replacement of Casey's property needs to be on your terms.
She can work on weekends if schooldays with homework are too hard. This would also be a good consequence for wrecking a car... no matter if she is at fault or not... if it happens again in a grown-up life, she would have to take out a loan or work overtime on weekends to be able to afford a car again. She can not just go to a dealership and say, "I have ADHD, give me a car for free"
Even just once a week would be fine because it also sounds like Casey just wants someone to start taking responsibility. Doesn't sound like she wants a replacement car right this very moment, just an acknowledgement and a show of good faith in the meantime.
From the OP, she's explicitly stated that she's no contact until the care is replaced. Nothing posted indicates she's looking for a gesture of good faith. Nothing short of pulling Alana out of school and having her work full time is going to make that happen in any reasonable period of time.
Casey is owed a car. Nothing about that is in dispute. But there's a lot of people in this thread that have completely unreasonable expectations of what that looks like.
She doesn’t want to talk to them because they are refusing to do anything.
Use the insurance settlement for a down payment get a car of equal value and have Alana work Saturday and Sunday that’s $464 before taxes. This goes to the car payment.
It ain’t rocket science. They are just refusing to hold Alana accountable and actually disabling her by treating her like she’s disabled
I have ADHD, as a working adult. Haven't had a car since my head gasket blew out in 2020. Strangely, no one has magically offered me a free car. Just got to cope. Having the Bank of Ma and Da must be nice.
I'm without a car, but I moved so close to work I can walk. I also have ADHD. At 17, I might have fumbled some jobs, but that's part of life. You learn and better yourself. OP isn't giving his second child the chance to fail.
They are basically using her adhd as an excuse. If it's that bad she shouldn't have been driving in the first place. Your assholes for encouraging the behavior. World doesn't revolve around adhd.
Also, where was she going? Surely not an extra curricular activity? Because, you know, that would be a distraction that she couldn’t handle with her severe ADHD.
For the record, I have ADHD and my 9 year old has severe ADHD. I’m still held accountable for my actions and hold my son accountable for his because I’m preparing him for life.
I have ADHD. If someone is qualified to get a drivers license, they are also qualified to be held accountable for what happens while they are behind the wheel. That is how it works in the real world as an adult. If her ADHD was so severe that she can’t be held accountable, then she should not have been allowed to get her license at such a young age.
They're called consequences,she should at least in some way be held accountable and the parents should do OT to pay as well. OPs black sheep worked hard for a year straight to afford her car because op clearly doesn't have the means. Then was nice enough to lend it out(details sketchy there) and her sister destroyed it in a at fault accident.(Which op has left details out on conveniently as well) Now she's without a car...So what's your solution? Because Dad just being ok with sticking her with the bill is pretty shitty and them replacing the car without Alana helping isn't any better.
How would you deal with this situation and not show bias or set a bad precedent? Accountability is important to teach. ADHD or not.
Then was nice enough to lend it out(details sketchy there) and her sister destroyed it in a at fault accident.
I mean the fact you add that little note to imply she was forced to lend it, then add in a detail about it being at fault, and implying it was her fault honestly just says a lot about you.
Also OP is intending to pay it off when he can afford it.
My solution would be my kids would have got proper insurance for a start. And I would explain I intend to pay off X amount and get the girls to talk to each other to try and work something out for the rest, but it seems like Casey is entirely uninterested in that, so if she continues acting childish and not talking to anyone then she doesnt get help paying it off. And personally I wouldnt take too kindly to the idea of Casey just not giving a shit about her sister being in a serious car crash and not even accepting an apology.
I mean Im literally clinically diagnosed and run a support group for other people with ADHD/Autism that only got diagnosed as adults, but please go off.
I'm AuDHD, and having ADHD and autism does not mean you shouldn't be held accountable. In fact, it's the literal opposite. Accountability, systems, and guardrails help people with ADHD and autism thrive. You're not special.
The fact you psychos are so focused on "accountability" after a kid almost got killed in a car crash is actually psychotic.
And have nothing to say about the other daughter not getting full coverage insurance, nor about her completely childish attitude of refusing to even accept an apology from her sister who was in the accident and cutting off her relationship to her family until they give her money. How about Casey talks to Alana and they figure soemthing out themselves?
There’s no indication of any other driver/car in the OP, indicating a single car accident and Alana being at fault. Just because it was a bad accident doesn’t magically absolve her of the consequences of that accident, one of which is that Casey deserves to have the car that she worked so hard for, replaced.
Sorry doesn’t just make everything ok, even if you really really mean it. Even if you have ADHD. Actions have consequences and Alana needs to learn that.
She broke her arm and leg with no permanent damage. That can happen from falling off a bike. She's fine.
And she's not a "kid." She's 16 and needs to understand that there are consequences to her actions.
It sounds like Casey talking to Alana would involve Casey asking Alana to get a job to pay her back. What else would that conversation entail? You're fucked up for thinking Alana should just be let off the hook. There's a reason the insurance payout wasn't enough...it's because Alana probably contributed to the accident due to her "severe ADHD."
She broke her arm and leg with no permanent damage. That can happen from falling off a bike. She's fine. And she's not a "kid." She's 16 and needs to understand that there are consequences to her actions.
I know perfectly well what ADHD is and I really question letting a 16 yo with severe ADHD driving a car without supervision. OP doesn’t even mention if his daughter is medicated.
People with ADHD suffer more driving accidents and so do young, inexperienced driver. Letting an unsupervised 16 yo with severe ADHD drive is the perfect recipe for an accident.
My niece has serious ADHD and was allowed to quit when it became hard or not take responsibility for her own actions because of it. Today as an adult she has no education (even clown school was "too hard" for her, I wish I was kidding) and no job. She was homeless until recently and is perpetually broke.
You are doing Alana an ill favor by not making her take responsibility. Just because she has ADHD it doesn't mean she should get a free pass on everything (although school of course has to be prioritized). That will only make it that much harder for her when trying to navigate adulthood. Getting a part time job should be well within her capabilities and it will help her practice and develop strategies to manage her ADHD in a work setting before it becomes a matter of whether she will eat or not.
I think this is so important. I have ADHD (although not diagnosed until I was an adult but it was pretty clear from a young age something was up), I had part time jobs from the age of 14. Yes it was very hard but I developed coping mechanisms and as a result I had a part time job during uni and managed to regulate myself attending uni and doing the job.
I got a job straight out of uni, a huge part of why I got that was already having a number of jobs on my CV and have done reasonably well since. I absolutely understand that everyone is different and this method may not work on others. I also absolutely believe that had I not had jobs from a young age and taught myself those coping mechanisms I would not have passed uni, returned later to do a postgraduate degree and be where I am today in a fairly high paying, high responsibility job.
I was diagnosed young but never medicated, and I managed to work and go to school. I learned to cope, and it helped me stay focused. I developed a lot of coping mechanisms over the years, and the best one is always having music on. The constant change of songs, artists, and styles is a huge help. They are coddling the youngest way too much and doing her no favors.
My ADHD/ autism is so bad I have to take a 30mg Adderall three times daily. But even with that I stopped taking meds and I still function okay. I still have my job in construction. Started working at 14 on a farm. My parents didn't let me not do anything because of it. I just failed school horribly and I was in the special kids program and still failed. So with that said OP shouldn't coddle his daughter but motivate her for success. Also put her on medication to help her focus if she needs it.
Absolutely and I do wonder how much easier my life would've been if I'd got medication when I was still studying. Thankfully I've mainly had active jobs which work very well with how my brain works!
My stepsister is the same. She is doing so badly in life in her 30s, because she got away with a lot when she was a kid (my dad was often the enemy because he didn't allow it so much, but my stepmom did and ultimately her kid, her say). OP needs to pay careful attention to how much responsibility he allows Alana to avoid.
If you meant actual clown school, like learning how to do it, it is rough. I have a theatre friend who studied it and is a professional - his training was hard as hell, but he loves it and gets to work with kids which he also loves. But it is a skill for sure!
Just want to make people aware of that, as it’s (usually, I can’t speak to all programs obviously)l not as easy as people like to jest.
The one my niece attended is not a very hard program. It was (at the time) an offer to young people who haven't been able to take any other educations or hold jobs, often due to addiction or mental health problems. As far as I know, they now also offer "proper" clown schooling, and that is absolutely an education on par with other trade schools.
My sons has bad ADHD awith loads of neuro quirks that go with it and he wasnt allowed his license, told to him by his specialist, as he hasnt got the concentration or fine motor skills to drive. He would be a liability if he drove. Alana isnt that bad if she can drive every where. She can get a job.
Unless if she plans on going on disability for life or doing freelance work and being self employed, her ADHD won't fly as an excuse for her to not be able to work.
However, perhaps op plans one of the above options for his daughter.
I mean, if he's going to start encouraging his daughter to use ADHD as an excuse at this age, then regardless of whether he plans for it or not, he should start preparing for it.
Right! Give it a few years and he will be posting about why his youngest daughter just can't thrive. Why isn't she able to get a job, hold a job, etc...
Because of this reason! Babying children like this at her age is nothing but a crutch. The real world is waiting and it's not going to care about her ADHD.
I have absolutely no idea if it would harm Alana to work. What I do know is that neither parent would be harmed by picking up a part time job to replace the car her sister totaled.
Op could also just put Alana on the bare minimum budget, food, clothes and anything else will go to repaying her sister. No birthday gifts, no Christmas, no more paying phone bill or whatever.
If Alana is truly incapable of working Op needs to be responsible and fix things.
I agree for the sheer fact that this is a pretty clear representation of what life is like on SSI. Which is what’s in store for her if they keep pushing a “can’t work” attitude.
When you set expectations low and they meet them don’t be surprised.
This. If Alana cant attend school and work, she can still pay her sister back. And its good for both girls to feel that actions has consequences, just in different ways.
Alana had a car accident that put her in hospital, she did not wreck her sister's car on purpose, there is no 'lesson' she needs to be taught for that. Accidents can and do happen to anyone and it's absurd to punish your child for getting hurt. However, it is reasonable she have to at least contribute to a solution.
The parents, however, are responsible for replacing the car instead of punishing their other child for sharing and getting ripped off and losing a valuable resource to her own future, ability to work and independence. It is shocking that the parents have no interest in even attempting to reconcile. They did not even ask Casey what she thought a solution was, a therapist did. They are flagrantly favouring one child over the other and treating the child who dislikes that as if she is simply being demanding. They have divided their family three against one.
If the one small child had accidentally broken the other's favourite doll, the parents would be responsible for getting a new one. lt would be reasonable for it to be an annoyance the wronged child had in her memory later, all siblings have memories about such things, it's part of growing up together, and the solution to preventing a grudge to to get her a new doll. A car is far larger and more important than a doll.
If a friend borrowed and wrecked a friend's car, they would owe for it. If someone in traffic wrecks your car, they owe for it. Casey is getting less from her own family than she would a stranger.
If Alana cannot work to earn money, the parents are responsible for covering her expenses, that is part of having a disabled child. Insurance not covering things is something they have to offset like everyone else. They really should have sorted this out before they let her take on responsibilities such as driving. This is a family-wide problem and one person is not being treated like family.
It's also rubbish to treat a disabled child like they are incapable of doing anything, cannot be responsible for their actions, and to foster undue (keyword, undue, varies for everyone) reliance on their parents. That is harmful to the child and disguises an unwillingness to meet that child's needs as some sacrifice on the part of the parents. Alana will have to learn to manage life with ADHD and her parents are failing to help her do that.
The parents either cover the damages, make Alana do it, or accept that they are choosing to harm Casey and she does not have to take it.
And one more thing: parents who blame their child's disability to get out of their obligations to their other child only do it because they resent having a disabled child and they are trying to make the neglected child hate the disabled child to vicariously express what the parent is hiding, so they don't have to take care of either and still look like the good guy.
Just because it's an accident doesn't mean you're
off the hook for making restitution. She needs to make Casey whole on a schedule of Casey's choosing, not her's or OPs.
I said she needed to help make Casey whole and if OP allows her to bow out of that, OP is taking on the responsibility, since OP is their parent and therefore the one responsible for both of them.
Alana isn’t going to learn anything anyway. She’s already 16 & I can guarantee you that this coddling isn’t new. They’ve ruined her already. She’ll be a worthless adult who makes excuses instead of taking responsibility for her actions & her parents will support her in that abdication of any responsibility for anything. Oldest will be over 18 & completely NC by then.
It isn’t the oldest daughter’s responsibility to aid in raising the younger daughter or teaching her a lesson.
All that matters to her is that her car is replaced. The parents of the minor that destroyed the car should be responsible for that.
If the younger daughter had borrowed a car from a friend and destroyed it they would be responsible for it and it wouldn’t be the car owner’s responsibility to teach the younger daughter a lesson.
You are actually psychotic. Genuinely please never have children, because anyone focused on "teaching a lesson" by punishing their child after a serious car crash that put them in hospital has 0 business being a parent.
It won't harm her to pick up a job that's once a week. She's 16 now - closer to being an adult than a young child that she can't learn how to navigate through the challenges of having responsibilities.
As someone with major ADHD myself, I could not agree more. I'm very thankful my parents always instilled in me the knowledge that life does not play favorites, and I absolutely hate when people use something like ADHD or Autism as an excuse. The world doesn't care, and it certainly doesn't revolve around you just because you have it more difficult than some. If I hadn't learned that early, I'd be majorly fucked now. It's already hard enough struggling with motivation and indecisiveness, without also expecting others to fix your problems for you. Already in highschool I always refused the extra time on tests and such that was offered to me, and I always found it laughable in Uni when I was offered the same. Since graduating, I haven't seen any of those kinds of accomodations in real work-life, and I wouldn't know how I'd function if I'd grown to depend on them.
I say make her work on weekends to pay her sister back, it's not just fair, but better for her future too if she learns what consequences are
ADHD runs in my family (diagnosed cases include my mom, my younger sister, my one cousin and one of my stepsisters). My cousin, sister and stepsister were coddled and they really struggled to "adult" (my step sister still does, in her 30s).
The rest of us weren't tested, so our issues were assumed to be out of bad attitude or something and we just had to suck it up and carry on with life regardless of whether we were struggling or not.
So yeah, I think it's better to teach them to "struggle" (obviously be there for them to guide them), but don't allow them to use ADHD as an excuse to shirk your responsibilities.
I'm actually appalled that OP thinks he has the right to dictate how and when his daughter should get repaid for her own property that was ruined. If this was two random people, the courts would laugh this excuse out the door.
Exactly. C is being punished for something her parents prob made her do (letting A drive the car). C worked hard for that car, it would be different if C hadn't put in her $ for it. Anyone else would def sue for $/replacement for that car.
If Alana had wrecked someone else’s car in the process of wrecking Casey’s car, the court would probably put the responsibility of replacing the stranger’s car on Alana and the parents. Why should Casey be treated with less consideration than a stranger would be?
I made a separate comment but what you said is exactly what my parents did to my bother and now as a grown man, he barely functions in society. he's had the odd job, but any time he gets stressed or overwhelmed, he either goes on stress leave or just quits. I see this in Alana's future.
My stepsister is the same. She's gone through so many jobs and moved out my parents home (for the third time) earlier this year because they had the audacity to put stress on her finances by asking her for rent. I mean. That's what Alana will turn into if OP isn't careful.
He is TA because he allowed a child with what he describes as a sever mental disability RELATING TO HERE ATTENTION to drive a car where she need to mantain attention for long periods of time. He endagered his kid and ruined relationships wih the other. Peak parenting this is. ADHD is an excuse but you nomanaging it and endagering people around you is not !!!
Regarding Alana- prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child. If they continue to not let Alana get a job and coddle her like this she’s going to end up struggling as an adult. Actions have consequences, accident or not, and now seems like a great time for her to learn that.
I have adhd. It's hard, yes, but not the kind of hard that lets you opt out of reality. No matter what disability you have, you require money to live. Life isn't simple and straightforward and you can't just do 1 task at a time. Its easier to learn that when your parents provide food and shelter than when you're out in the world and quitting your job means having nothing.
It's really not fair that the replacement of Casey's property needs to be on your terms.
This stuff is why I love Reddit. Y'all hit with perspective I would have never landed on in a million years. You're right as hell, and the idea of "who earned the right to set terms" is something I'm gonna keep in my pocket for my own future conflicts.
I have ADHD. Im in my 30s and have worked since I was 14. Yeah, the world isn’t built for us, it’s not an excuse to have zero accountability. If the golden child ‘can’t’ do a part time job and isn’t being held accountable for her studies, she shouldn’t be driving either.
What if a job helps her ADHD? Ppl with ADHD need stimulation. It could benefit her to be pulled in multiple directions so she's forced to focus on each task when they come along instead of having lots of empty brain space to do just one thing.
If A is already struggling in school and doesn’t have a job, what the hell did she need to use the car for anyway? If she’s struggling, she shouldn’t be going out with friends, especially as a new driver, who is apparently so handicapped she can’t work a part time job like a good chunk of high schoolers do. And if that’s too crazy then the parents or one of her friends can give her a ride. If she was driving to an after school club or sport, she shouldn’t keep doing that while doing poorly in school and not working to pay for the car she totaled. I really hope this is rage bait because this situation is infuriating.
So what’s Casey to do here? She just loses the car she worked hard for? Nope, sorry. It’s a disservice to Alana to underestimate her and assume she’s incapable of more.
I just think OP is truly telling Alana “we know you can’t do better, it’s ok.” And holding her to too low of a standard when it’s unnecessary. As she gets older, every time something goes wrong the excuse will be, “but my ADHD!” And she will learn that the world, unfortunately, doesn’t care… OP has an opportunity to teach her a great lesson here and unfortunately he’s looking for validation for playing favorites instead.
The golden child accusations are the most frustrating thing about this thread because there's flat out nothing that indicates that's the dynamic here. OP's "coddling" is entirely pragmatic. Alana is ADHD and at arguably the most critical period of her education. Success or failure now is potentially the difference between quality higher education and a good career vs living paycheck to paycheck. As an AuDHD adult who was forced to start working at that age by their parents and saw their GPA drop from a 3.5 to a 1.9, I still get angry when I think about how much better my life would be now if I was allowed to focus on my studies. As unfair as it might be, Casey's life won't be remotely as affected by not having a car for a while as Alana's will by having her education kneecapped.
It's not fair, but neither is gambling with your kid's future over a wrecked car. OP needs to figure out how to make this right.
They definitely are. He’s the AH for showing such blatant favoritism.
He says he’s looking out for both kids, but it’s very obvious that he’s not. The insurance company didn’t pay enough to cover a replacement for the car, but did it pay enough for a temporary, less good but still functional one?
Has Alana tried working in the past? There’s tons of people in the comments talking about getting a job helped them manage their ADHD.
If not, what steps is he, or his wife, taking to replace it on their own. Over a year is a ridiculously long time to expect someone to wait patiently for a replacement to their property.
Someone else suggested restricting the budget they spend on Alana and putting that towards the car. Fewer gifts at Christmas or birthdays, only necessities, sell her phone/stop paying for her plan.
My mother had a very similar attitude to OP, and you, and it very nearly destroyed my relationship with her and my brother.
‘We can’t risk making things worse for the ND kid, so now our other one has to deal with the consequences.’
I don’t have an “attitude”, it’s just the story is kinda wishy-washy here, and I can’t really comprehend living in a country that normalizes 16yo with mental conditions driving around cars they don’t own, and that - with a shitty insurance
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u/Mobile_Prune_3207 6d ago
It's not going to have a major impact on Alana's schoolwork if she gets a very, very part time job. In the real world, she's going to have to learn to not use ADHD as a reason not to do something and you not teaching her this before she gets out of school is going to be at a big disadvantage to her. And this will also then be a gesture to Casey that you guys want to do right by her.
It's really not fair that the replacement of Casey's property needs to be on your terms.