YTA. You say you have to look after both children, but you are only looking after one... You are protecting Alana's future by not giving her any consequences for her actions, eg getting a job... But Casey is already suffering the consequences, she has lost her car, but you brush over that. Favouritism is pretty clear here.
Seems like it is, they're babying Casey here like if she has severe ADHD then why let her drive the car on her own? If they allow it, they should allow her to work for the car she wrecked. Favoritism at its finest here.
Exactly. If she can focus enough to get a license and be allowed to drive, she can focus enough to get a job and pay her sister. Will her ADHD forever be the excuse for any of her shortcomings? I don’t blame Casey at all.
Exactly, I (au-adhder here) was told I'd spend my entire life in the wards when I was 14 and I have had jobs and can drive. Yes some days being ADHD has been so bad for me I took 3 hours to get up from a chair and shower but ... ADHD doesn't stop a person from getting a job.
(laughs in executive dysfunction disorder) while yes I have chronic depression as well (which surprisingly alot of ADHD people have, more so if untreated like I was many times in my life) the reason I often struggled with shower prep or even getting out of a chair was executive function issues. Adhders struggle with 1. The ability to start tasks
2. The ability to stay focused on tasks that seem boring, unstimulating ...
3. The ability to complete tasks
4. ADHD paralysis (neurological pause) where they freeze overwhelmed by their environment
5. Time management
6. Object permanence ("where are my keys I know I had them but where" saying this while staring right at them or holding them in my hand)
Add that many adhders have comorbid disorders and conditions like depression, pots, autism, eds, epilepsy... It can be difficult to sus out where or what's making life harder but for me my shower issues were certainly that I wasn't on ADHD meds and hadn't been for 10 + years at that time. As soon as I started meds back the issue went away.
ADHD isn't about sitting still or not though I didn't say that. Hyperactivity is simply a physical symptom which not every Adhder has there is "hyperactive," "inattentive", and "mixed" I am mixed type according to my diagnosis. I was very hyperactive as a child, constantly sharpening my pencil, out my desk, and I was loud though um not having tone control is more an autistic trait but I was loud and would talk fast when I was unmedicated as a child.
As an adult I experienced what I said in that list is called ADHD paralysis (neurological pause) the overwhelm of my environment. My brain would shut down as I sit in my chair staring panicked trying to figure out how do you start to get ready for a shower? Is it towel first, clothes, water, do I have soap? So I'd just you know freak until my spouse got everything ready for me and helped me in the shower.
My spouse had a job that let him travel and unfortunately for him he actually had to move back home bc of my disabilities though it's not the ADHD (woo epilepsy). I worked several jobs, I worked as a factory worker, cashier at several stores, got a bachelor's degree and worked fast food twice. I did almost all that unmedicated and it was tough. end of my degree program I went back on meds finally when my kids were also diagnosed ADHD! Can I multi task? Sometimes I guess but I'm not sitting still if I'm doing it. I can't be on a phone and just talk I'll be cleaning and talking... Sorry dumped a lot there but I use to help moderate a neurodiverse fb group and i spent a lot of time educating myself about neurodiversity in general.
Just to tack on, the reason so many women got overlooked is because we used hyperactivity to mean physical, but for a lot it manifests in the brain. Racing thoughts that never end, mumbling words to keep up, things like that
I have crazy, crazy late diagnosed, unmedicated adhd and, for me, the more I have mentally, the better. It's the emotional load I have to watch out for, and not remembering to care for myself during work time, but the adhd issue is not enough simulation. This could be just what she needs, and it's what she needs going into the world. She's going to manage a home and a job and friends and finances one day.
I actually find it pretty ignorant of all of these comments saying - if she can drive she can work/ if she can’t work she shouldn’t drive.
Disabilities can mean you can do some tasks and not others. Someone may be able to drive on a good day, but they don’t have the consistency of good days to hold down a job. Or someone might be incapable of being punctual or managing their time - it doesn’t mean they can’t drive to pick up some milk.
There are plenty of people with neurological differences who are able to drive and not work.
And no one come at me with ‘but I have adhd and I can X’ - because it’s not a one size fits all condition.
The fact of the matter is - she took a risk lending out her car (which sounds like it was also under-insured?) It’s a shame the risk didn’t pan out. But OP can’t magically take away the consequences of having taken that risk. Especially not by forcing her disabled child to work.
She may be able to focus enough to drive, but is she experienced enough to make that call?
Is she responsible enough to stick to it when she isn't?
Does she have a strong enough support network to have people come get her when she's out somewhere and things shift?
She's 16. Simply waiting a couple more years may allow things to balance out more, and she may be more capable later. Or she may be so coddled that she's in her 30s before she starts to learn to live with her neurodivergence. Or she may simply believe that everyone owes her everything her parents always gave her, and never actually develop to take care of herself.
OP can magically take away the consequences for the risk he very likely coerced from the more responsible, older child.
@OP could give the older daughter his car, and drive whatever they can afford to replace the car he put at risk via coercion. The car he probably doesn't let the younger child drive because it would be too risky.
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u/boredathome1962 6d ago
YTA. You say you have to look after both children, but you are only looking after one... You are protecting Alana's future by not giving her any consequences for her actions, eg getting a job... But Casey is already suffering the consequences, she has lost her car, but you brush over that. Favouritism is pretty clear here.