And anyone Alana's in a relationship with gets stuck with all household chores and responsibilities because Alana is actively being taught, 'But ADHD,' gets her out of responsibilities and consequences.
Man, it can be a challenge raising ADHD kids, but you're exactly right.
We are a household of both parents having it, my 15yo stepdaughter, and my 7yo showing signs.
We grew up undiagnosed, untreated, and struggling and know how challenging it can make life. My stepdaughter IS being treated though and attends therapy and psych check ins. I'm trying really hard to walk the line between patience and understanding without enabling. Trying to help her understand that it's not a get out of jail free card, that she needs to learn (with our help) strategies for working with it around it and to lean into the beneficial impact it can have.
Yes, it can be hard for ADHD kids to cope. My parents did not do right by me. They thought I was "just lazy and depressed" and basically gave me the Alanna treatment. My older sister took it out on me (I didn't ask for special treatment, I just wanted to be left alone) and it caused a lot of animosity and bad blood. And basically having things handed to me while never actually addressing the problem severely stunted my transition into adulthood.
I'm 41 now and wasn't diagnosed until my late 30s. It took a ton of effort to get my shit together and I still feel like I haven't entirely done so. But I would say the best thing I've learned from it all is what not to do when raising ADHD kids. And that's teaching them it's an excuse, removing obstacles instead of teaching them how to overcome them.
My sister and I were basically NC for a long time. It was tough. As an adult I understand her frustration in younger years, but she was reeaaallllyyyyy awful to me. I'd make an effort to get along with her and it never went well. She'd go out of her way to humiliate me on school, tell me how I was dumb and my parents thought I was "messed up in the head", that I was a burden and would never do anything with my life. Would find my diary and show it to people, public make fun of me for the things I was struggling with, etc.
We're civil now. She's 2 years older than me and married with 2 kids. We have nothing in common though, so even with everything else aside, we're not people who'd ever be likely to be friends. So we're fine at family function, I've dog sat for her a couple times, but we don't really talk outside of family functions and group texts. On the other hand, my younger sister is one of my best friends and a core part of my social circle even outside of family stuff.
Things are pretty good between me and my parents. I've come to forgive them and don't entirely blame them. They did they best they could with what they know and how they were raised. They've both apologized to me, my mom has expressed a lot of guild about not having known and only recently coming to understand what ADHD is. We're pretty sure my dad is bipolar (my younger sister is diagnosed) but god knows he'll never see a psychiatrist or anything.
It can be frustrating, and I did feel like of resentment and tangled wad of feelings around them, but therapy helped me work through a lot of it. They're Boomers who were set in their ways and felt a certain kind of way about mental health for a long time. But I've seen them both grow and become more open minded and accepting. And as long as they're making an effort, not just towards how they view me, but society as a whole (my dad has become kind of a father/grandfather figure to a young trans girl whose family basically disowned her, that was a surprising turn of events, lol), I'm not going to punish them and hold their past against them.
They had to learn and grow just like I did. Sure, they kind of failed me in childhood, lol, but I think they've come to realize that and it seems to truly cause them remorse. They're ultimately just people, just doing their best what they've been taught and adapting to what they learn along the way. And they're still here for me today and help me out when needed. They're good to both my daughter and stepdaughter and at this point that's what matters most to me.
But I can't sing my little sister's praises enough, lol, I adore her, truly. I admire and respect her so damn much and she has absolutely been the bridge between me and the rest of my family when it's been needed. She's the only one in my family that really knows me and gets me and we've supported each other a lot in untangling the mess of complex feelings about our childhood and family, lol.
Sorry for the rambliness, prob more info than was necessary. My kids are at school now and my meds have kicked in and got me all hyper focused on this XD.
But I guess TLDR, I try to be forgiving, especially when it's been earned. My sister I can forgive but feel fairly indifferent towards, but still step up to help when it's been needed. For my niece and nephew if nothing else. My parents actively tried and continue to try to better understand and be positive people in my life. It would be unhealthy for all of us, including myself and my kids, if I hung onto resentment and bitterness.
Edit: There's a million typos that I don't seem to have the motivation to go fix now XD.
But I feel like it's also worth adding, I've managed to build a pretty amazing group of people around me outside of my family. Basically my second family. Aside from my sister, I've got my best friend who just moved in above me with her son and boyfriend. Another neighbor who has become a very close friend, absolutely the ride or die sort, also has a son the same age as my daughter. And of course my SO and our kids. Literally all of us (except friend's boyfriend) have ADHD, lmao, so we all understand each other well. So I feel like I'm surrounded by people who get me and who I get and that feeling of family and community we've cultivated in our little social circle makes it easier to let go of negative feelings about others. Forgiveness is easier when you don't feel isolated and looked down on like I did as a kid.
No need to apologize! I’m glad that things worked out for you and your parents apologized. I’ve been NC with my boomer father for over a decade. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but according to him it’s just nonsense. I’m just lazy and have no job skills. He said that back in 2008 when I lost my job due to cutbacks and I was having difficulty find work. I ended up losing my condo, and all he did was “Well, good luck”. That was the last straw. I ended up living with my late mother’s sister until I got back on my feet. She generously offered her guest room. When she found out what my father said, I saw smoke come out of her ears. She never thought much of my father. He and mom divorced when I was 18 months old, and he pretty much pretended I didn’t exist as a child. Both sets of grandparents more than made up for it. My aunt apparently called my father one night when I was at work and called him everything but a child of God. She told me he didn’t say a word to her. Life is better now.
Yeah I remember being referred to as "The Lazy Scatterbrain who Never Shut Up" by my dad who was too proud to get me diagnosed because he was a narcissist and believed my condition reflected poorly on him.
My husband has ADHD, so I've experienced having to take more responsibility for things than I want.
When we first moved in together, I got extremely sarcastic because he asked what we needed from the shops. Like, we both have hands and eyes. We can both open cupboards and the fridge to add items to the list. I don't magically know what we need. (Not wiping down the kitchen counter after food prep drove me nuts!)
These days he's much better about simply doing household chores. It is on me, though, to pay the rent and bills. He's often late with the one bill he does pay (his phone bill).
Like you, his parents just didn't give a shit. Even though his dad also has ADHD and knows exactly what its like. I have a lot of problems with his parents, though, and haven't seen them for almost a year. It's been nice.
It sounds like you've learned to understand it though, at least. And while that doesn't mean you have to roller over and put up with it, it sounds like you've both learned coping strategies together. That goes a long way.
Part of my issue as a kid was being undiagnosed and feeling like my parents had just given up on me. It was somewhere between coddling and doing nothing, lol, kind of hard to explain. They thought I just had mental health issues, not a neurological development disorder. But they didn't address the mental health either XD. Beyond just having zero expectations, which frankly, felt shitty in itself. And so I did end up with mental health issues because I felt like a failure and fuck up and didn't understand why normal tasks were so hard for me.
So just knowing someone has ADHD and trying to understand it goes a long way, and it seems you're doing that.
My SO and I balance each other out pretty well. While we both have it, it tends to manifest differently. There tends to be differences in "girl" vs "boy" ADHD. But we've split household responsibilities in a way that mostly works so far, lol.
He's like your husband in wiping down counters after food prep and he's SUCH a messy cook, lmao. Forever leaving the stove and counter in shambles, and leaving dishes and trash on the counter instead of the trash can or sink 2 inches away. It's maddening at times, lol, but I'd say he's got better executive function than me, so it balances out. He works full time and manages the bills, I'm a stay at home mom and pick up after him and the ADHD kids, lmao. And for me it works, because the routine of the daily things I need to do for home, family, and pets helps keep me balanced and in check. I can do it because I've made a routine out of it. Work is his routine, and he does well with it, while cleaning, not so much, as it's not part of his routine, lol.
It's not perfect, haha, but we've learned to function as a unit pretty well. And when you have multiple ADHD people in one household, that's what it's all about. We try to put emphasis on the kids' school, and as long as they're keeping up there we're more lax on other areas that require focus. But more lax doesn't mean holding them completely unaccountable, as it sounds OP is doing.
ADHD also makes us rambly and overshare, so please forgive the above novella, lmao. But hopefully some helpful stuff for you to keep in mind in the future. There is a genetic component to ADHD, so if you two have kids, you may wind up with another ADHD-er in the household XD.
It's the messy kitchen that really makes me see red. I've always been like that. My mum keeps a very clean kitchen.
I'm a woman with autism, so of course I can only see the mess and not the effort.
We mostly manage, but there are still times one of us gets frustrated at the other's behaviour. At a certain point, though, that's marriage and cohabitation rather than disorders.
I can certainly understand unhelpful parents. Mine are very boomer parents. They suck (but I love them.)
That sounds a lot like my relationship with my wife lol. I love to cook and bake but I’m incredibly messy. However I fail to notice. I’m better off with check lists with chores to do as I’ll go into a room and be like “idk what needs done” just a giant black hole of nebulous need that I have to decipher. Then my wife is like pick up your socks and sweep and I’m like “oh I see it now” lol. Again it can be embarrassing but I’m not trying to be obtuse and thankfully she knows that. She has better executive function on our day to day and takes care of our bills and finances. I feel like my job takes up all my high detail abilities that when I get home I’m just a mentally foggy mess. It’s tough going but we ADHDerd just need to have systems in place.
I have pretty bad ADHD and thankfully have a very loving and supportive wife. I’ve known for awhile but it wasn’t properly treated as a child and it was only as an adult and after I met my wife did I truly understand all the things I thought were wrong with me were just subcategories of ADHD. I do struggle with noticing things unless I’m being body doubled. Like I can easily ignore a mess until someone points it out. It sucks and is embarrassing, but my wife and I work together really well. Thankfully I’m in sales and it offers my mind the right changes on a day to day that I can be successful. Even at 35 and with good medication I feel like I’m a long way off of having my ADHD completely managed. Sometimes you do feel like a burden, it just means I have to try harder.
I have ADHD and insomnia, somehow I'm a functioning human who takes responsibility for their actions and held a job through schooling. And have been gainfully employees for 9 years at the same place. Too bad no one told me having ADHD is a free pass on all that
My only issue here is that there is a ton of missing information. All the parents have said is they don’t want her working while in school.
But it doesn’t mean she is coddled or that she is even really at fault here. There’s obviously very plausible scenarios where she is. She could have borrowed the car to go see friends, been speeding while texting and crashed into something.
She also might be pretty innocent. Maybe the parents couldn’t take her to school due to the Dad’s doctors appointment and the older sister didn’t want to drive her so she let her use the car and on the way she was hit by a car that ran a red light.
Insurance paid out, so clearly she was authorized to drive and wasn’t going anything reckless that nullified a potential claim.
Also, did the parents basically pay for the first car? The older daughter worked because she didn’t want the original car her parents were going to get her, but she worked a year likely at minimum wage. So I’m guessing she combined her money with her parents gift. So good chance there’s some stubbornness and unwillingness to compromise on both sides.
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u/Lady-of-Shivershale 6d ago
And anyone Alana's in a relationship with gets stuck with all household chores and responsibilities because Alana is actively being taught, 'But ADHD,' gets her out of responsibilities and consequences.