Yeah this sounds a lot like they’re coddling the younger one. If she has such severe ADHD, why did they even allow her to get in the car and drive? If she can’t hold down a job, how was she even allowed on what’s basically a killing machine with wheels?
A lot doesn’t add up here and I’d be making a fair guess that the younger daughter is a golden child and the older one is a scapegoat.
OP, don’t be surprised when your oldest moves out and goes NC with you and your entire family. YTA.
The only things I personally drive are my bike and my scooter, and even that can be a challenge at times. Way too much shit to pay attention to at once for me to process while driving a car, I imagine. So I don't even have a drivers licence.
I háve been able to work since I was 13 (started with a paperround and babysitting). I have a university degree despite my depressions and anxiety, and only discovering I have ADHD at 33 years old. And as of a couple of weeks I'm back at school again, while working and running my household. It takes enormous efforts, therapy and medication though.
OP and his wife seem to excuse and baby the 16 year old and want her to get off scot free. Fuck that. The 17 year old is very justified in her anger IMHO. Hello favouritism.
I’m in the same boat, friend. And I’m probably a lot older than you. I’ve had to be careful where I live, and yes I’ve had to have my husband drive me places more than I would usually like, but the advent of next day delivery from Amazon and having a bike (in a country that is more bike friendly, granted) has really made me just not have the patience for people like OOP.
Just be aware of where you’re living, and it’s not the death of you (if you’re an introvert like me, it’s sometimes a blessing for excuses lol)
I’m kind of glad to hear others more aware of their limitations like me. I was always singled out as “the weird one” because I didn’t want to potentially kill people!
I'm "the weird one" too, lol. I don't drive either. Not sure if I have ADHD (I've been diagnosed but also told I don't have it.... Depends on the doctor's perspective really. But I feel like the diagnosis fits.) but I do have OCD, and I feel as if my rituals on high stress/high focus on OCD rituals days, would make me a danger. Not on purpose of course, but also add in a day when my intrusive thoughts and depression hits and I'd be liable to hurt myself or someone else and it would feel completely out of my control. I can't put myself in that position, nor anyone else. It's my problem, not the people I'd share the road with, you know?
extremely expensive and don´t i still need to use the paddles( is that the right word?? Sorry english is not my 1 second language)
The orthopedic was pretty strict in saying: stay away from bikes
i also have problems with stairs... On top of it it does take concentration to ride a bike especially when it comes to sooroundings and that is my problem. I can´t concentrate enough and will become a liability
There are a variety of e-bikes. Some require constant pedaling and need a lot of work. Others are effectively electric vespa scooters and only have pedals as decoration, and pedals allow them to legally use the bike lanes in my country (not USA).
I am happy with my apostles horses but thank you :) maybe others will be inspired
As i also said biking takes concentration and an awareness of surroundings that is much higher than when I am walking but I believe others who aren´t as inflected as I, would love such a way to move about :)
My wife and I have found the perfect balance. I handle the long hypnotic highway driving that she can’t stand and with her add she handles the busy city driving that makes me tired.
I have autism, and driving is a hard no for me too. The stress of driving a car, keeping an eye on my surroundings and other cars, remembering laws while dealing with the rest... It's a recipe for disaster, a disaster I have no intention or interest in causing for me or others around me.
Does it make some aspects of life more difficult? Absolutely. But it's for my own safety and the safety of everyone else on the road, so it's a bitter pill I swallow with a smile. At 26 I've still managed to make it all work out, car or no car.
I have severe anxiety and feel the same. I'm in my thirties and haven't driven for close to a decade. I know if something exceptional happens, I'll panic.
Thanks! People talk about the effects of adhd on productivity and focus but it has SUCH a huge impact on mental health, untreated causes anxiety and depression, so it has been a huge improvement for my quality of life
I delayed getting my DL by a few years because of my ADHD as well. I knew I wasn't in a place at 16 to be able to handle that. I was fine being the "weird" one without a DL through most of HS. It wasn't a milestone that was worth possibly killing someone over.
If I hadn't known though, my family would have stepped in and refused to enable me to get my DL, because they knew it too!
If this guys daughter is overwhelmed by school, that is understandable. But then she shouldn't have been allowed to get her DL, and certainly not driver her sister's car!
I have ADHD. I didn’t know back then, but it explains why it took me so long so pass the driver’s test because I would make stupid mistakes. I didn’t get my licence until I was 21. Even now, at 44, I don’t drive long distances without taking my ADHD meds. My ADHD 16 yo will not be getting her licence anytime soon because of the same issues.
I get what you´re saying I just don´t want those who are extra sensitive (but still good drivers) to feel like they don´t matter or those who don´t know a lot about adhd think this is how all are
What I know is adhd comes in many forms. Unfortunately not all knows that
"ADHD makes you superhyper" is the go to and some think we all zoom on walls
But thank you for your kindness and thinking of me :)
same here, i do drive but only in occasions really have to when i can have no distractions period. it hits a sweet spot for me too like the other commenter mentioned if someone else is riding with me it’s usually a silent ride as well. i think ops the asshole, adhd and jobs are honestly not a bad mix especially if it’s something relatively easy that keeps you on ur feet and distracted hell even walmart would be a suitable option. it’s not like this girl is going to have a sit down job + paper work all day.
recently the car i paid out of pocket for (my first car i’m 18 & pregnant lol) got side swiped the 3rd day i had it an suv pulled out in front of me.😭 my boyfriend was the one driving he’s a lot more experienced than me and i’m honestly glad he was the one driving just because i know since i have adhd recently got my license etc, i would’ve panicked. if it wasn’t for him it would’ve been a head on collision. i could’ve lost my baby if he didn’t steer into the turning lane, and my car would’ve been totaled. driving really isn’t for people who don’t know what they’re doing. i thank him everyday for what he did and have been avoiding driving just incase. the parents of this girl should’ve let her practice driving in the car with them until she was fully ready to hit the road.
i’m also wondering if they guilt tripped casey into letting alana borrow the car. i know how hesitant people are with their vehicles id only let my boyfriend or dad drive my car personally and that’s because i’ve been with them so much when they were driving and i got my car for my little family. + my dad helped me pay for the taxes and registration on my car :) and he loves chevy cruzes LOL
it really sucks when you get into a car wreck especially when you make such a big investment on something. i’m lucky i got my 2017 chevy cruze for only 8,200. i get alana got hurt or whatever but you have to take responsibility for your actions and for life in general in this world you can’t NOT work it’s not plausible. this is a good learning lesson for not just the car but to give her a head start on what life is going to be like in the future. give the girl time to recover then send her to work and help make her pay.
My son has severe adhd. He’s been off his meds for the last almost 2 years because he wants to be a pilot. He’s had to work VERY hard on other methods and he’s actually doing really really well with school at the moment. He just got his license and he is a great driver and can focus because he wants it. If he couldn’t do it there is absolutely no way he would have his license (also he just got it at 17. Not 16.)
My ADHD and anxiety turns me into a menace behind the wheel. I am not a safe driver. I’m an annoying passenger, too. But I’ve been in 14 collisions, zero as the driver so maybe my anxiety is warranted. Anyway, I don’t drive.
Thank you, I’m a big fan of still being alive despite the trash fire of it all.
And an annoying passenger I’m a fan of such classics as “Pressing the invisible break!”, “Grabbing at the safety handle above the window”, “Craning my neck to stare at the speedometer to see if the driver is speeding” and “Telling taxi drivers I get car sick after I get in the car so they drive a little more carefully” and many more, all for the low low price of $trauma.91.1 !
My standard answer to why I don't have a drivers license is exactly that; Do you want blood on a wall?I've got ADHD (and autism) and I don't posses the focus and attention for driving. I could have, if driving fell within my interest but it doesn't.
I feel this. I’ve been progressively getting worse at concentrating without daydreaming and losing my focus and I am beyond terrified or learning to drive. I am genuinely worried I might accidentally seriously hurt someone.
Except I’m at the point that I have no choice and I need to learn to drive soon because it’ll be the only way I can get around.
I think I’ll be talking to my doctor about trying some medications to try and help my adhd before I get a permit.
Agreed. I don't drive due to my low vision and anxiety, I have ADD and I can't read or keep track of stuff around me in the car, no way will I go behind the wheel lol
This is the same for me, I have inattentive ADHD so I don't drive. I'm going to learn how soon, but it's because I finally found a medication that works for me.
Holy shit same! I've commented about this on reddit before and most people agreed that it's ok to not drive because my reasons are valid but some comments implied that I can "fix" my problem with solutions that would lead me to drive and hope the solutions work.
My friends and family make me feel like shit for not driving, but I know the moment I get in an accident, I'll be labeled as an idiot.
I wish we could normalize believing people when they say stuff like "it's not safe for anyone if I'm behind the steering wheel of a killing machine" instead of making them feel like shit for not driving or pressuring them to drive.
I am sorry some have made you feel that way. Unfortunately not all will understand the reasoning even if the reasoning is " I am afraid I will kill people"
Your reasons are valid and excuse my language now but fuck those people who don´t care for you and ridicoule you
While it is correct some will be able to be helped, it is not possible for all.
People tend to forget one adhd ( or other afflictions sidenote I am not sure this is the correct word) don´t fit all
I am no worse of ( I´m sorry I am unsure if it with one or two f in of/off) for not being able to drive. I do know that might be a luxury and not everyone is able to go to where they want to wothout a car due to long distance
I think..... The only thing you can do is to ignore those who say it, even if it hurt
I uber absolutely everywhere. I have played every possible scenario that could go wrong if i was behind the wheel and its not fair on my fellow humans so I iive within walking distance from work and every other convenience.
You just gotta fully commit,I have ADHD and I just make it fun so it holds my interest. Good tunes, Standard transmission, eyes forward only,no distractions allowed. I just had to learn to be disciplined, been driving without a at fault accident for 20+ years.
I also have social anxiety and combined it can be qiute the beast
It doesn´t bother me I can´t drive, I have no need for it. In cases of emergency I can call a friend, but I rarely have one :)
I know how to live with my crap without it destroying my life and I am grateful for that
I would like to add, it think it is wonderful you can drive, but not everyone is the same and it wont be possible for all sadly
Kudos to you for not endangering other people,my intention was to motivate,not to put you down. A licence isn't essential to living a good life and there's nothing wrong with not having one.
Based on Casey’s reaction I would be very surprised if this is the first time that her parents have prioritized Alana’s “needs” over hers.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 15 and I got my first real job that year, and I don’t think I’ve stopped working since (aside from when I took maternity leave). Working helped me develop time management skills and a work ethic that I was sorely lacking, and that has benefitted me in many other aspects of my life. Getting a job would probably be good for Alana.
What my ADHD ass didn’t do is get my drivers license right away, I waited a few years until I was almost 20. Putting someone with such a short attention span in control of a car would have been disastrous, as evidenced by Alana’s accident. Without knowing the details, I would assume she took her focus off the road to look at her phone/adjust the music playing/admire a dog on the sidewalk/etc.
YTA. Help Alana get a job, contribute to paying for Casey’s replacement car, and don’t let Alana drive again until she’s demonstrated an ability to handle her responsibilities better.
This! Not ADHD but other type of neurodivergent and starting work at 16 genuinely was the best therapy I've ever had imo. Repeated exposure, having consequences for mistakes, clear guidelines for handling interactions etc. not making her get out of her comfort zone and even try to do what she will have to forever is major kneecapping.
I have adhd and have always liked driving and never had a problem. Had a job driving for years. I got job once sitting at desk and got fired for sleep though.
I like driving now and have been doing so for almost 25 years without incident. When I was 16 and my brain was still developing I would not have been a safe or attentive driver, so I waited until I was ready. Alana doesn’t appear to have been a safe and attentive driver, so I don’t believe she is ready to be responsible for driving a car. Mistakes made behind the wheel can have both costly and deadly consequences.
That doesn’t mean that everyone with ADHD is bad at driving or can’t do so safely. ADHD symptoms present differently in different individuals.
Literally this. Who needs enemies with family like Casey’s…
If Alana can’t do X Y or Z because of her executive dysfunction, how on earth was she able to get far enough in the licensing process to total her sister’s car? That again, she paid for with her own money??
Casey saved up money for own car. Yall had the money to buy a used car that Casey did not want. But didn't want Alana to get the used car since older sister has a nicer car? You and your wife are pendejos.
Alana apparently can do JUST FINE with studying and homework when it benefits her (ie, driver's license) because you do have to do classes and study for that stuff.
Methinks the parents don't understand her "disability" at all and use it as an excuse. If you can't get a job due to ADHD then you definitely are too distracted to drive. Bet she was texting.
As I understand it, it is prohibitively expensive to put a car on the road in Denmark. My source of this information is my husband, who sold his car to his boss, who took it back to Denmark with him when he returned from NYC
$5 Says he and wife had something to do with Casey 'loaning' her sister the car too. I can hear it now 'we'll ground you from the car unless you share, you know your sister should be able to use the car' ect. Until she gave in. Don't be surprised when your oldest hates you all.
Funniest part is the only comment op left was a comment denying the allegations of them coercing the older daughter into letting the younger one drive the car. It's kind of odd that that was the only comment that struck a nerve enough for them to respond..... Kind of like it was the truth and that made OP mad 😂
It's probably technically true, but reality is something like "We did tell her that since we pay the insurance and paid for a portion of the car she was required to share the car when asked or she'd lose insurance and driving privileges. But no, we weren't part of this specific conversation where Alanna requested to borrow the car."
Same. My siblings didn’t have special needs, but they were so much younger than me. I basically stopped feeling like a child around age 8 because my mom kept having kids. Now that all her kids are adults she is realizing she didn’t know anything about me from age 15-30. Like OF COURSE my values, beliefs, and life experiences are different. I raised myself
Things were pretty much fine for me until my brother turned 12-ish and the onset of puberty activated him like he was the Winter Soldier of ADHD and Anger Issues. This compounded with my moms own (then undiagnosed and untreated) ADHD, bipolar, and menopause, to cause of cocktail of hormonal imbalances that spiraled into regular tornados of fury and punishment.
As the older and ‘more mature’ one it was my responsibility to be nicer to my mother, never say the word no, and deal with it when she was angry at my brother but took it out on me because it was easier than trying to punish the kid that ‘needed her more’ and ‘fought too hard’.
Now I’m 27, live on my own, and things are totally fine. They’re medicated, I have space, everyone wins.
I stopped at 9. I tried to turn myself into a golden child because my high achieving, 'keep up with the Cosbys' parents didn't have one. I thought being close to perfect would save their marriage. They didn't give a rats ass. 😅
That was me-or as my mom often put it, she didn’t have to worry about my feelings because everything just fell away for me like water off a duck’s back, unlike my “far more sensitive” sister.
Thanks for this explanation. I assumed it meant that one child was treated delicately/favored because they're fragile like glass. Good to know what the actual meaning is so I can use the term properly.
"Glass child" is when parents 'look through' one child, ignoring their needs because they are hyper focused on another child (possibly with special needs).
It can appear similar to golden child syndrome. With the golden child, there may be expectations that the g. child is better/smarter/etc. has a bright future/can do no wrong.
The sibling of the glass child may be special needs or have long-term illness that has captured the parents' attention. The glass child is overlooked as the parents focus on the one who 'needs them more'.
I've never heard this term before. It describes my SIL and now this similar attitude has passed on to the children of the sons by their paternal grandparents.
Glass children are siblings of a person with a disability. The word glass means people tend to see right through them and focus only on the person with the disability. “Glass” is also used because the children appear strong, but in reality are not. These children have needs that are not being met.
Oh wow, this is the first time I've seen this term and I totally thought that the glass child would be the one with the disability, like they were so busy being "careful" with this one "delicate" "breakable" child that they completely ignore the other. Interesting.
A lot of people have ADHD and can function in society. I'm not saying her aaDHD isn't severe but she was okay enough to pass an exam for her license. She was okay enough to get to high school. Im sure she would be fine doing basic tasks at a job for $10/hr to pay back the outstanding amount of the car. But nooooo OP has to protect his golden child because reasons.
Broken arm and leg seems like pretty severe injuries from a car accident too. Assuming speeding was involved? Car totaled. Doesn’t sound like there was another car involved?
I totally get why Casey is pissed. Her sister is getting off scott free.
I’m also wondering, if the severe ADHD is such a problem, is the child not getting medicated or other treatment to help? I also am wondering why they wouldn’t make sure that Casey had enough insurance that, in case of an accident that totals the car, that the car would for sure be covered. Definitely agree it sounds like they’re coddling Alana.
I'm also wondering what caused the accident. My guess is it was totally the sister's fault and she was inattentive, but dad is brushing it off cause she has ADHD.
Even if Casey leant the car to her sister on her own (which I don't believe- I'm sure op and his wife basically made her) it's still the parents or Alana's job to replace it. That's basic common curtesy with everything. You break it, you buy it.
also, i know everyone is different, but maybe a job would be good for her. i have ADHD and always did better the busier i was… and it definitely feels like they’re just letting the younger one get away with no consequences for her actions
This is why I like reading AITA. I have a son. One day, I plan on having more children. It helps me keep myself on line with the ideas and consequences that some parents can fall into the trap of doing. Like the golden child and scapegoal, favoritism in general, how to keep things balanced without upsetting any party, etc. it's a great guide of what to not to do. A crash course in "How to get the good nursing home when the kids are grown ups and not lose contact with them.", lol.
Not to be messed up, but it’s seems so different than the past that parent would coddle the less capable child. Always thought it was stereotypical for parents to coddle the achievers, but these days it seems like parents instead coddle their lazy kids.
Why are you comparing having a job and driving? Those are 2 different things. I have adhd and dont always focus well in school or do great but i can still drive. i have never had a job either so does that cuz i have never worked i dont know how to drive? im confused
Why is everyone assuming that having bad adhd means she can’t drive? As far as I can tell OP didn’t say what caused the crash nor who was at fault.
I have pretty bad ADHD - I could never have managed to graduate high school if I was working as well. I also drove every day to school and back for two years and never caused a crash, and years later now I still have yet to. Without more info it seems like everyone is just assuming the diagnosis means she shouldn’t be able to drive, which is absurd.
It only doesn't add up if you don't know anyone who's had trouble with executive functioning. It doesn't necessarily have anything at all to do with ones ability to drive safely. To the point that the conflation is kind of hilarious. It's born of the most primitive colloquial idea of what ADHD is, AKA that acronym they give to hyper kids who can't concentrate in school. I strongly urge you to read more about what ADHD in teens and adults actually looks like, and the incredibly varied ways it manifests and affects people's lives. I think you'll find you have no idea what you're talking about.
Well I agree op is likely coddling his youngest, I have been diagnosed adhd for over 20 years and had a job at 16. They are doing her no favors.
I'm also annoyed it seems to be on op to correct the bad decisions of his daughters.
17 yr old bought a car and let an under insured motorist drive it. This is a life lesson, I don't care that she's only 17, if she saves and buys a car it's still on her to make good choices. Including not letting people drive it that are under insured. If it had been one of her friends who crashed it (unsure of fault) then she would be in the same position with no way to be angry at her own parents.
I'm not sure who was at fault, it wasn't mentioned, if lil sis wasn't at fault then it's fully on 17 yr old for allowing an under insured motorist in her vehicle. If it was sisters fault she is liable for damages but again, the permission 17yr old gave means legally 17yr old might be fully responsible depending on state and local laws.
Don't let people who are under insured drive your car. There's no lesson to teach younger one, she learned not to crash cars obviously
Given the family’s reaction to the accident and the aftermath, I am like 99.99% sure that OP and his wife had something to do with the “permission to drive” part of the story.
As in, it’s pretty obvious that they coerced her into letting her sister drive the car. Because look at how they’re both still coddling the younger one and basically absolving her of all responsibility.
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u/Illustrious_Fix2933 6d ago
Yeah this sounds a lot like they’re coddling the younger one. If she has such severe ADHD, why did they even allow her to get in the car and drive? If she can’t hold down a job, how was she even allowed on what’s basically a killing machine with wheels?
A lot doesn’t add up here and I’d be making a fair guess that the younger daughter is a golden child and the older one is a scapegoat.
OP, don’t be surprised when your oldest moves out and goes NC with you and your entire family. YTA.