I'm with Casey on this one. You're coddling your youngest. And you have no idea if having a job could actually help your youngest learn to manage her time. You've left your oldest hanging.
*edit to add. If Alana can get her drivers license she can get a job.
Exactly! They think Alana can’t handle getting a job but she can handle getting into a car (which if used incorrectly can kill people).
OP - YTA. You’re giving no consequences to someone who destroyed someone else’s car (accident or not, actions have consequences) and instead you’re forcing the consequences of that onto an innocent person. You say you need to think of both kids but right now you’re only thinking of Alana. You’re showing your favouritism.
I am wondering if part of the reason for Casey's hard line in the sand is because this is not the first time Alana has taken away something from her or gotten away with something or been coddled by the parents while Casey has been expected to woman up, sort out shit on her own, get good grades, have a part time job, do her share of chores on time and do them well, save and pay for her own car, be responsible in all things while Alana is coddled by the parents and everything is blamed on her ADHD.
Yep. My parents pulled some crap like this when I was about 15. I had to work for 2 summers to save up enough money to buy a stereo for my room. I had to settle because I couldn’t afford every accessory I wanted, like remote control, the ability to play multiple CDs at once (this was late 80s early 90s). I had it for about a month and my parents decided to buy my younger sister a stereo for her room. Mind you, she was like 12. She got a super nice system with all the bells and whistles, 6 disc changer, etc. She didnt even want one and they still bought it for her. It was like $200 more than what I paid, with my money! When I protested, they said to quit complaining because I already had a stereo and it wasn’t fair that I had one and she didn’t.
After that, I had asked for a phone in my room and they said no. So every time I wanted to talk to my friends or a boy, I had to do it sitting at the kitchen table. When I was 19 I moved out and the next week they put a phone in her room with its own number and everything. The thing is, I was always the rule follower and was a good kid who got good grades. My sister was a hellion and used to hide her empty beer cans in her room when she was 14.
Kids carry favoritism and inequality with them for a very long time. They will remember.
Jeeze, if they wanted your sister to have a stereo so badly they should have upgraded you to the fancy system under the rule that you give your sister the one you purchased. Praising you for doing so well at saving up AND coddling the could so no wrong child. Two birds, one stone 🤣🤣
This. It usually takes something really big for you to finally reach your limit after watching the unfair treatment happen again and again and again. This was Casey’s limit. I don’t have enough hands and fingers to count how many times such things happened to myself and finally just put my foot down. I was instantly villainized after that, but that’s their problem and not mine. Took me a long time to learn that. Limited contact right now with the sibling and anyone else that thinks it’s OK to treat someone this way. Enabler is a 10 times worse than the actual narcissist themselves.
The line "I need to look out for all my children not just one." cinched it for me. I guarantee Casey has heard that line used against her and for Alana multiple times.
Hard line in the sand and Casey is going to move out as soon as she can and go no contact with them. They probably won’t even notice because they’re so focused on ADHD
I thought the same thing. If her ADHD is that severe, the parents should have known that impulse control and other factors could affect her ability to drive safely.
That's what I was thinking! It kind of looks like they're blaming the accident on Alana's ADHD, but then they'd still be assholes for letting her on the road before doing more to treat her ADHD in the first place
I'm fine driving, because it triggers my hyperfocus. If it didn't though, it could be dangerous. I need to be mindful of passengers distracting me for example, but I'm very practised at that.
A good counter example: Lewis Hamilton, one of the greatest drivers of all time, has ADHD.
This daughter though, given exhibit A: the crashed car, needs to work on improving her driving, and managing her ADHD will be part of that.
Honestly - no. It is accepted that areas of the brain in someone with ADHD mature at a rate about 30% slower. It's not the same in everyone, and it's not the whole brain, just certain areas. But those areas impact impulse control, decision making, time management, risk assessment. This is the equivalent of letting a 12 year old drive a car.
Teenagers with ADHD are up to 4x more likely to be involved in a car accident than teenagers without ADHD.
Any condition that impedes one's ability to drive needs to be accommodated before driving can take place. If accommodation is impossible, then driving should not occur for the safety of the driver and everyone else on or near the road.
Most people with ADHD can drive just fine. Most cases severe enough to meddle with driving can be treated if the ADHD haver wants that for themselves. But severe untreated ADHD so bad she's more likely to get in an accident? Yeah nah, get off the road.
Depends on if her ADHD can be accommodated in a way that allows for safe driving. Everyone's different.
I'm sorry I even upvoted your comment but I've never heard it phrased as someone being "severely ADHD" lol genuinely gave me someone with ADHD. A good chuckle
Exactly. If she is that bad then she is dangerous behind the wheel and should not be driving. Since she has no punishments for her actions, what will happen next time? OP deal with this now or next time it will be more than broken bones and time spent healing as a punishment.
I have ADHD.. wasn’t diagnosed until 5 yrs ago. I am 50. At 14 I got the hardship paperwork from the school.. took the city bus across town after school.. got it signed.. forged my dad’s name. Applied at Wendy’s ., and by the time my dad knew .. it was because he came home from work early and I was in my uniform on the way out.
I managed to get As and Bs all through high school. College was a shit show.. but that’s another story.
I’m betting the car destroyer has therapy and meds .. I still can’t manage to keep that going.
She can do high school and work part time. This is bs.
And it always happens to the oldest when the youngest has some kind of “issue”. Utter crap.
My second son has fairly severe adhd. He got a job at 16, and it has really changed how he is able to manage his own life. He wakes himself up now with an alarm, and we haven't gotten a single call from his school about him doing something foolish yet this year (this was a monthly occurrence before).
However, we did decide to buy him a stick shift and teach him how to drive manual. It helps him stay a little more focused and we don't worry (as much) about him being on the phone while he is driving since both hands and feet are more occupied.
My sibling and I both have ADHD, theirs is more severe and mine was undiagnosed. In high school, us having part-time jobs was essential in helping us learn how to effectively manage our schedules and get things done. I was unmedicated, and they were. Either way, it's not impossible and sooner or later she's going to have to learn how to manager her condition or she will never be able to be independent. Honestly, I feel bad for Casey. It sounds like her parents really coddle her sister, or worse, openly favor her.
Same! I had three jobs in high school, two overlapping at a time and it was probably the most productive I had been up to that point. The second most productive period of my life was when I had two jobs and school again. Third was when I was in an intensive program with school, clinicals and a job (so like two jobs again). I graduated top of my class and had a job before graduation and even most of my peers didn’t.
There’s nothing in a bottle that compares to a “little” stress to make my adhd work for me instead of against me.
Yeah exactly, I have adhd too and was working at 15. I wouldn’t have done my homework if I was home all evening after school anyway lol.
Too much free time to try to fill on your own can be detrimental to people with adhd, they can easily turn to other stimulating activities like drinking, drugs or just getting trouble. A job is actually a great way for us to use our time productively, and I personally always preferred working to going to school.
If she finds a job now she can start to figure out what works for her with her adhd and what doesn’t, as well as get a good head start on her future instead of relying on her parents for everything.
If she’s struggling in school there’s also work programs where you can work for credits to graduate instead of taking more classes. Not to mention she can show her sister that mending their relationship and righting her mistake is important to her which will give her more self worth and self reliance and build her confidence.
The parents really need to stop coddling her and holding her back
Omg this. I had a lot of things go wrong and didn't get a serious job until much later and the effect it had in my Adhd was amazing.
I honestly would recommend anyone with Adhd to take a Gap year and work full time before uni.
The job sucked but it helped my organisation for things I actually care about a lot.
Exactly. I had my first job when I was 14 years old. Most part because if I ever wanted anything, I had to get it for myself. I have an extremely strong work ethic to this day and have learned to manage my ADHD and autism in most situations. It’s not always easy, but I definitely don’t use it as an excuse. The parents are damaging the child by using her ADHD as an excuse to not have accountability.
ADHD is not insurmountable. It can be for some when they don’t try to manage it, or don’t ask for help or tools. But I didn’t get diagnosed until almost middle aged. And while it explained a lot. It also explained why I had so many coping mechanisms and strategies for doing work. Cause I had to.
This. I grew up with someone who has ADHD and he has set up a business with another person we knew at school. Both now have what I believe is a successful bussiness setting up those metal structures on the outside of buildings for builders. This guys mother never said he needs any extra coddling from anyone because of his ADHD and the only problem she had was when our high school kicked him out part way through year 7 because our headteacher wouldn't allow him to take his ADHD medication and he became disruptive in classes and his teachers couldn't handle him and it became frontnpage news on our local paper because he couldn't get into another school for a couple of years and had to be homeschooled.
ADHD can be comorbid with visual processing issues. Mine makes it look like other cars & large objects are closer than they really are. When there's a jersey wall in place for roadwork, it always looks like I'm about to scrape it. And I have to be super careful parking, since overcompensating on one side means coming too close on the other.
Lickily, mine isn't so bad that I can't drive, but quite a few people with ADHD don't. Or they only drive the bare minimum needed to function.
If I were Casey, I would write to the DLA’s medical board with the facts of the accident and that her ADHD appears to have impaired her ability to drive to the point Alana should get a medical review.
Out of a concern for public safety, of course.
And definitely not so that got the rest of Alana’s life she’ll need a medical OK to continue driving. That would just be petty.
nb: there are mental health conditions that can adversely affect one’s ability to drive to the point they are disqualified from driving. typically this includes conditions where loss of consciousness is possible like epilepsy and narcolepsy or conditions where one has difficulties in perception like schizophrenia. in both cases, if a doctor is willing to sign off a medical ok, and the DLA’s medical unit approves, they can continue to drive albeit with restrictions such as mandatory pharmacological compliance. adhd is not commonly one of these conditions but if it’s as severe as the parents pretend it is, welp, team FAFO’s facilitation and remediation team is here with suggestions to facilitate rapid remediation.
signed, an audhd former road examiner who loves driving her manual transmission hot hatch and motorcycles
I have ADHD and I manage to be a wife, mother, and work in a high-intensity job. ADHD is a disability, yes, and it does have negative effects in the every day life. But it doesn’t mean you’re an invalid who needs to be coddled. I’m just as responsible for my actions with ADHD as someone who is completely neurotypical.
Why would they allow Alana to drive alone to begin with, as a 16-year old new driver with diagnosed severe ADHD? There's all kinds of AH behavior by OP & his wife in this story, but since most of us agree, we'll probably never hear from OP again.
I just sent my adhd son out yesterday for the first time w his new license. I don’t think he’s gonna crash. If he does I will be shocked and not “well, that makes sense.” He wouldn’t be driving if I thought crashing was a logical end result of his driving.
She'll need to get a job at some point in the future, and spoiler alert she's not always going to be able to focus on just having a job. Being an adult is having to juggle alot of responsibilities and trying to make it work. If she can drive with her severe ADHD she can work with it too.
It's really clear her parents prefer she over their other daughter because their excuse is pathetic.
They think Alana can’t handle getting a job but she can handle getting into a car (which if used incorrectly can kill people).
THIS
I have severe epilepsy and autism. Never allowed to drive. Never will if allowed JUST in case. My first job was at 31 because I was housebound (epilepsy caused a coma etc)
If Alana can drive and go to school. She can handle a job.
I've been struggling with health issues and yeah. It's often a school OR job situation. Sure, if she can handle school and driving, she can probably get a job. But both at the same time? That's a lot and probably not manageable. Often with health issues and disabilities, just doing one thing is majorly taxing and you can barely manage it. Trying to do both things is like asking someone to fly two planes at once without autopilot, in different directions. You can only pick one and the other crashes.
If they really are concerned about her having a job impacting her grades there absolutely is a compromise. Working one day a week should be fine then full time during holidays.
Since OP isn't responding, my best guess at his excuse for not punishing the younger daughter is "her injuries were punishment enough" which still leaves Casey hanging... Speaking of the medical bills though, why did the parents not give Casey her cut of the payout first at least? Like what she put into the car after working herself? She may not be entitled to what the parents contributed, but she is entitled to her own money. And then leave the daughter or parents to figure out the remaining medical expenses thru a payment plan? I don't know. It's a complicated situation.
Totally understand this point. But this type of bullshit black mail should never fly. You talk and have conversations you don’t get forced to therapy and drop ultimatums. That can’t be okay either. Sticky situation.. maybe your youngest can find a weekend flexible job?
Once I start taking stimulant medication, I realized just how reckless I had been driving. At this point, I avoid driving if I forgot to take my medicine, it’s just too dangerous
My ADD makes me the worst driver on the planet. That, combined with some PTSD from an accident has made me realize I'm good with not driving. I sometimes wonder how people with brains like mine can do that every day and not be crippled with anxiety about killing someone. All it takes is one "oops, that wasn't the brake!" or "my bad, forgot about the parking brake!" To kill someone or yourself and those are the kinds of mistakes people like me are prone to
Driving is the perfect combination of stimulus for me to focus personally. There's a lot going on but it's all related to the same goal, so I find it really calms my brain, like an automatic hyper focus. Though there's definitely been many a time where the hyperfocus on the mechanics of driving safely means I forgot where I'm actually supposed to be driving too and I get halfway to my parents house before remembering I haven't lived there for years.
I also just have habits of checking everything several times before getting out of the car/taking off. I don't think I've ever managed to walk away from my car without second guessing whether I locked it and going back to double check.
At work I do my check list getting out of the car. 1. Phone ✔️ 2. lunch ✔️ 3. badge ✔️ 4. car key ✔️5. locked ✔️. Now I just go 12345. And I can go. Most days I do the 12345 twice.
Yea it's really interesting to see how polarizing driving is for ADHD. I love driving myself, I find it soothing. But I also understand why it can be overstimulating and scary for some.
One of my friends has ADHD. Her kids have ADHD. One of them really isn't capable of driving, and while it was a shitty conversation to have she had have it. Kid is in their 20's now, no license still. Admits mum was right and it was a responsible choice for her to not sign off on any if the paperwork. OP should consider telling Alana she can't drive until she can support herself and pay for it herself.
Also, teenagers aren’t the most responsible drivers. I’ve gotten into a few cat scrapes where the other driver was a teen who just made some stupid decision, like suddenly trying to merge into the lane I was in without looking, or deciding to do a left turn when it’s too late…
I'm one of the few people in my social circle with access to a car so I do a lot of chauffer runs taking my friends to and from places. They all know that if they need a ride on short notice, it'll take me a half hour to leave because I have to take my meds first. I flat out won't drive if I don't have my meds. It's not safe.
Eh, they’re called accidents for a reason, I don’t think having a single one means someone is incapable of ever driving. But the parents can’t have it both ways, she can’t both be incapable of working ANY job but also capable of driving a two ton speeding hunk of metal.
I feel that if you get limbs broken from a car accident, you had to be driving recklessly. I can’t see just one car generating that much force by itself, it had to be two cars going fast to do it. But I’m not an expert on car accidents, so take that with a grain of salt.
You can definitely break your arm and leg smashing into a tree or fire hydrant or any other object that won’t really care if a car smashes into it, if there was a second driver I feel like it would be pertinent to the story re: them covering costs for the other driver also contributing to their lack of funds or the other driver would be the one paying back if at fault. So my Occam’s razor tells me it was a single car accident
And even with ADHD, a job can be very different than school. In my case, I have always struggled to keep my schoolwork organized, but I did fine at my job.
Second this, adhd affects everything I do outside of work but for some reason once I clock in and go in to “work mode” I can focus on the tasks I need to do, schoolwork will always be a struggle because there’s no deadline/urgency to it
Yeah, the ADHD might just be an excuse for not caring about school? Very common at that age. I also have ADHD, but my being unwilling to study for tests on subjects I hated was a whole separate issue. I'm not saying ADHD isn't real and can't be a hindrance at times, but it can also be an excuse. I always did far better at focusing on work at that age than I ever did in a classroom.
I think you have no idea what you’re talking about. The worry is that a person with severe adhd can’t handle school AND a job on top of that, which is probably true. Course, she can get a job, but the load that comes with work and school would be very bad for her, and paying the car a little earlier is not worth her ruining her school performance.
You are posting all over the comments in here regurgitating "Golden child" like crazy. And now bringing up a college fund when it sound like they already struggle financially. And now bail for some reason. Is there any info in that post she's a criminal and will be living a life of crime?
You've got some issues or you're a troll. Or both really.
I didn't think OP's Sister's feelings weren't discussed. I suppose other than apologizing. OP never said the younger Sister didn't want to pay it back. One reason she couldn't help was she had a broken arm and leg! Can you imagine the interview?
My grandmother broke her hip back at the end of April. By June, she was almost fully healed. One month, for an 80 year old woman. 16 year old should have been back up in that amount of time, that leaves 5 months to start working, but daddy is worried that she can't handle a job.
That's your grandmother. I broke my ankle in a car accident and was in a cast post surgery for 4.5 months, then a boot for another month. You have no idea how long she was in a cast for.
Help me understand this. From the story it doesn't sound like the parents forced her to let her younger sister drive the car. So child C lets child A borrow something and child A breaks it. It sounds to me like child A should be the one trying to make it right, and it is both A and C's fault for breaking something she was borrowing and letting someone borrow something she couldn't afford to lose respectively.
As a parent you want to help out your children generally so they could help both A and C with whatever they could, but they shouldn't be obligated to in any way. And from the sounds of it they parents have drawn the line at what help they can provide but it isn't on the immediate timeline that child C wants.
It’s pretty clear the parents did do that and are leaving it out because it makes them look bad. And besides, they literally took away the insurance money to pay for the sisters’ medical bills.
I was a undiagnosed ADHD (dx'd as an adult) and getting a job was the best thing for me. It taught me that start times aren't negotiable, that I had certain tasks that needed to be done in a day no matter what, and learnt so many skills that I still use to this day. If I wanted the things in life that I wanted (going out, movies with friends, certain clothing), going to work was not negotiable and I had to make the money. It also gave me something to do (pre-internet days!) in the down time where I was engaged and active.
same here. got a job at 15 and was the best thing I ever decided to do, coddling your ND kid is just setting them up to fail for their entire life. Why bother trying to be independent and responsible when your parents keep bailing you out and enabling the lack of accountability.
My bet is she will never leave home and become a responsible adult, there's two people willing to chew her food and wipe her ass for her. Hope you're ok with supporting a 40yo NEET and an estranged older daughter who refuses to support you in your old age OP, that's where you're headed right now.
You don’t know her college plans though. She could be applying to T10 unis for all we know and needs to spend well over 40 hours a week doing schoolwork and extracurriculars. My son has ADHD but is really smart, in GATE, etc. and he still has trouble keeping up with music, sports, studying, homework and he’s in 4th grade. I told him that he doesn’t need to worry about a job until after college, just do internships during the summer. I want him to focus on getting an education and getting into a great college. He doesn’t need to be working a mindless job, except during the summer, it’s not important. His education is important.
I personally was unable to work and finish my degrees and I have ADHD. I had to do one or the other and I picked college. But I also went to a T20 tier 1 research uni and did a science major and it was on a quarter system. No way I could work, and keep my grades up enough to keep my scholarship.
I don’t understand all the people in here saying they have ADHD and worked part time just fine. That really depends on how much effort you put in school and what your goals are
🙄 you and your kid aren't special because you went to T10 / T20 schools. There are plenty of people with ADHD who attend prestigious universities and work. Almost all of the people I know with ADHD worked during college.
I was an academic advisor in my past career. I had students that had ADHD, Autism, dyslexia, severe trauma, etc. Learning how to handle multiple avenues at once is so important in college. The students that did the best were those who had parents that helped them find the tools to do all the things they needed to do and to advocate for themselves. Sometimes that included jobs. One of my favorite students worked for three years (very part time think 15 hours), then transitioned into student teaching beautifully because she had learned that balance.
I will also say, a T10/20 school may or may not be the best fit for your child. Only you will know that, but please for their mental health and academic success please have them consider a myriad of schools. The most important thing will be personality/fit, academic offerings, and supports that the university has (these can vary a lot!).
I have seen diverse learners who were absolutely brilliant pick less selective schools that had better supports. I have seen some choose less rigorous places closer to home to have familial support. I have also seen those who were pressured into majors and/or schools that they were unable to take on and how much that did to their esteem and progress.
if anything for some people with severe adhd (such as myself, really severe adhd) it isn’t uncommon that getting out and working with something that provides more diversity from day to day in comparison to how stale and repetitive school is can actually be helpful. i struggled really bad in school but when i worked as a fiber technician out on the field i did great
Same. My college grades were higher the semesters I worked. It helps especially if the job has a physical aspect since exercise is so beneficial for ADHD symptoms
right on! i am afraid the parents are raising the kid with adhd as an excuse to not have to do anything and never being at fault which can severely harm them as an adult
Yeah same, I was diagnosed relatively recently, but I was surprised to see that my university grades improved by a lot after I started working part-time (10-20hrs/week depending on the semester).
My theory is that it made my mood better since I was less bored in class and more social, and it forced me to follow a tight schedule to prepare for exams and finish assignments.
not surprising at all! for someone with adhd keeping both body and mind busy at the same time with some day to day variety is very helpful. sadly the way the parents are coddling the younger sibling here (the one with adhd) if anything it feeds into the negative impacts of the adhd and is also teaching her that adhd is an excuse to not be able to do alot of things that in fact is most often the opposite
i constantly lose track of time and give me 5 minutes with any sort of distraction and i forget completely what i was doing. having a schedule helps alot with atleast sort of managing your time
This. I'm baffled at the logic that her ADHD is mild enough that she can responsibly drive a car but too severe for her to have money to maintain that car and fix what she wrecks.
ADHD's a really confusing bag of things, but this combination's totally possible.
People with ADHD are often great in a crisis, and terrible at humdrum life stuff. Providing driving a car is in the "crisis" section that triggers focus, everything's fine. The danger comes when driving is so second-nature as to be boring.
I do think this kid would benefit from a job though. The expectations of a job can provide more focus, which can actually help you get your shit together more widely.
Absolutely right. If OP wants to teach responsibility to all his children, then a 16 year old who can’t handle school work, shouldn’t have the freedom of a license.
Wanna bet that if Casey had said no to borrowing the car, she would have been accused of being unreasonable?
Also wondering what happened to the insurance payout? Did Casey get any of that money to put towards a car - any car?
Right. Ever heard of working on the weekends? How is working gonna affect schoolwork as long as the parents ensure that the schoolwork is done and that Alana studies? It should be no fun till you replace it.
It’s not possible to magically be able to manage a 40-60 hour per week school and extracurricular career working to get into a good college and adding a part time job with ADHD. That’s a great way to crash and burn.
Some people’s lives actually fall apart if they do that, even with meds. I’ve ended up homeless and half crazy from lack of sleep trying to work and go college. I quit my job, went back to school and lived on financial aid while I worked my ass off getting a perfect grade point average in community college so I could get a scholarship and full ride at a great uni and not have to work there. And I did it. And I was at a T20 tier 1 research uni doing a science major on a quarter system, absolutely not I couldn’t work. But I knew that. And I had accommodations.
If I had worked I wouldn’t have been able to set myself up to just focus on school.
Not everyone can just will themselves out of their ADHD symptoms lol
Regardless, what do you think the parents should do? She wrecked her sisters car. So because she has adhd she shouldn’t have consequences? I think that’s bullshit. Life doesn’t work that way. They’re telling their younger daughter to use ADHD as an excuse anytime something doesn’t go her way.
The parents are the assholes.
You overcame so much to be where you are and proved my point.
It was an accident. I think her driving privileges should be suspended and she no longer has access to anyone else’s car. I think any funds that were supposed to go to Alana’s car should go to replace the oldest daughter’s car.
I’m assuming because OP was willing to buy her older daughter a vehicle (even if she had to pitch in for the one she wanted, because OP could only afford a certain price level) she was planning on also getting Alana a car when the time comes.
Obviously Alana is at driving age, so it’s weird they haven’t discussed her vehicle yet? Were they only going to get the oldest a car and not the youngest? That’s unfair. So the parents should figure out how to replace the car, take out a loan whatever. Then require Alana buys her own.
Besides, working part time at minimum wage job won’t get her sister a car faster than next year anyway. My point was more that sometimes with ADHD you really do have to choose one responsibility over the other.
This is why I only have one kid even though I wanted more. I simply cannot afford it lol
I mean I get it. It’s why I only have one kid, among lots of reasons, but the parents do need to step up and get the older sister squared away or they risk losing a daughter
Hmm...you find ways to cope, but willpower isn't the way with ADHD. It just doesn't work that way.
You need to either WANT something, or FEAR something to kick things into motion. Our willpower is puny in comparison to the force of what our brains want to do.
The trick is using that tiny bit of willpower to connect our brain to a useful WANT, and hope that drags us in the right direction.
Just trying to use willpower to manage ADHD is a recipe for lots of burnout and crying and feeling broken.
Totally on board with it not being an excuse to not function. But forcing yourself to function through sheer will... I'm impressed it can work for you. Took me 5 years to recover from the last time I tried that properly. Totally burned out. I...don't do that any more.
Putting in mechanisms to help me function, fantastic, and my responsibility. But I think the idea that you can counteract ADHD by trying harder can cause a lot of harm.
Dude I ended up in the ER with an anxiety attack before I got on meds. Played around with SSRIs and that sucked, then got on Wellbutrin and it’s been great. I agree that willpower alone only gets your so far. If we all had amazing will power, obesity wouldn’t be a thing
I didn’t. I quit one of my responsibilities so I could manage the other lol. Which is the entire point. It’s not true that I should have just “figured out” how to both work and do school. I couldn’t do it, so I just did school and succeeded that way and I do just fine at my job.
Most people work just full time jobs as adults, working a full time job AND a part time job unnecessarily especially with ADHD doesn’t prepare you for anything lol
People really over inflate the value of this. Not going to some prestigious or even well known school isn't going to put an artificial cap on your career.
Any nationally accredited college is a "good school" and anyone with a highschool diploma can go to one.
My aunt and I both went to the same local ass 4 year college no one outside of our hometown has ever heard of. She's the CIO for a tech company and pulling down 7 figures a year. I'm an executive at a major international bank. I also got my MBA at the same school 2014-2016 when they started offering online as I didn't live there anymore.
As long as you don't go to some for profit diploma mill everyone knows is a joke like University of Phoenix. You'll be fine. Your career prospects aren't ruined because you didn't go Harvard or some big 10 school.
I just don't get how the father's strategy of putting the least amount of responsibility on his daughters shoulders now, when the consequences for failure are not as severe, is setting her up for success.
I mean what harm to her future is he even worried about? Pretty sure some prestigious university is off the table when shes struggling in highschool when that is literally the only thing she has to worry about. Anyone that graduates highschool can go to a nationally accredited college. There is literally no future that is at risk by trying to teach her to manage responsibility by giving her more of it.
It’s not possible to get into a decent college with bad grades. And adding more responsibility doesn’t help her learn anything. A part time job at minimum wage isn’t gonna get her a car faster than her parents can anyway
Came here to say this! I also have pretty intense ADHD, and being busy in high school made me discover that actually, it's harder for me to be motivated to do my work if i'm not busy than if i am. i'm not saying my experience is universal, but i am saying you won't know till you try!
Also, buying a car as a teenager is a massive undertaking. Balancing work with school is really hard, as is saying “no” to a lot of activities and events with friends since they would cut into that fund. It’s more than just a car to her, all that work was basically for nothing. If someone else had crashed the car her parents would probably help her sue that person, but because it’s family she’s getting absolutely no support.
As someone with severe ADHD, that does not prevent or impede anyone from getting a job at which Alena can enjoy and excel at. In fact, it's nuts that her parents would use that as an excuse to coddle her. If she's really ADHD, her therapists and doctors would have told them that the worst thing they can do is protect her from the consequences of her actions.
OP is full of shit and favors Alena over his other daughter, and he's here just to get validation for his cruelty and favoritism for one kid over the other; if this story is even true in the first place.
Was hoping someone would say this. I have ADHD and definitely I am most productive by far when I have a very structured busy schedule. The more unscheduled time I have the harder I need to work against the ADHD.
Maybe a job would actually help Alana. At the very least it’s worth a try. I can imagine as a parent that if she got a job and her grades tanked that we would need to reassess the situation but it doesn’t make sense to me that they wouldn’t even try.
This this this, I have ADHD and reading it being described as some debilitating illness is just incredible to me. I graduated high school by the skin of my teeth, and had already been working full time for nearly 2 years before I did. ADHD doesn’t remove life’s responsibilities or pressures, she broke the car and she needs to step up to the plate.
It...has its moments, and can honestly feel debilitating at times. But it's part of us, and it's on us to work out how to meet our responsibilities whilst having it. We can't just break things and say "sorry, ADHD". We've got to either put systems in place to prevent us breaking things, or accept responsibility for the consequences.
Honestly I’ve been living with it for so long now that I don’t even consider it anything except a different way of thinking. I’ve definitely built up habits to counteract some of my worst tendencies, but otherwise, the speed at which my mind runs has turned into nothing but an asset in my career.
Happened to my husband and his younger brother forever ago. An example: Husband was let to live alone for part of a summer, almost a month I think. at their house (neighbours to check in and contact his parents of course) when he was 14. He is a very responsible person.
Brother never got that. Because he’s an irresponsible idiot (I still love him though)
That has to be like… 22 years ago when I met them and realized how this weird and stupid dynamic happened that made no sense to me. Completely not in line with my upbringing. Would never fly.
For family dinners that me and husband don’t cook, Brother in law can cook the equivalent of like… a single sushi roll box and my mother and father in law make such exaggerated praises. How great he is for providing 8 pieces. One for each of us (6 for family dinner) two left over. How many people just eat a single one for dinner?
Next days? Me and husband cook their dinner with many decent leftovers and they sit there talking about how good their other son’s dinner was so great several days before. And that attitude sometimes goes on for days. Maybe subjective, but everyone prefers our meals. It’s obvious.
OP is NTA for being unable to replace the car, sometimes that sounds really hard. I’d share everything with my sister so I understand that. Not everyone can lob that money around.
But still… if older daughter wasn’t pressured into giving her car up, it was with her permission. I don’t care if younger sister has anxiety. I have bipolar and anxiety but I’m not out there plowing and wrecking cars either….
JFC I don’t like this OP at all. Official vote? ESH. For sure. Except Casey.
If her ADHD is so severe she can’t work, she shouldn’t be allowed behind the wheel where there are numerous things to focus on at any given time and mistakes cost money at best and lives at worst. You can’t pick and choose what scenarios are too much for her ADHD
Indeed, I have severe ADHD, and the one thing that made me succeed in life was the fact that I started working when I was eleven, after school hours. I hated school, but loved to work. I finished all my studies afterwards (delayed, because of work, but with shitloads of experience and understanding of workplace politics) and am now an engineer.
I know someone with ADHD who was coddled like this. We’re all pretty successful and independent, and they’re still living with parents and has never had a job… Using ADHD as a crutch to never take on responsibility will just hurt Alana and the rest of your family in the long run.
As someone who was in high school with adhd no… I just sucked at subjects I didn’t like especially if I didn’t like the teacher. Cousin with severe ADHD passed with straight A’s while working full time. 100% possible and since she’s a minor they can’t give her full time regardless so she’d still have time to study.
you have no idea if having a job could actually help your youngest learn to manage her time.
This is a really great point. I’m actually a lot better at managing my time when I’m busier, or on a deadline, because I have no other choice. Having more demands on her time might be good for her.
Hard agree. I’ve got severe adhd. I worked from the time I was 14 and bought my own car with savings from my job, my parents never paid a red cent towards me or anything for my future. I was a shitty student before I worked and a shitty student after. Made no difference. Working, however, taught me so much more about discipline, productivity and time management and is much more conducive to someone with executive dysfunction because it has a far more direct effort/reward system than school.
Alana can get off her ass and work, she needs to learn how to function in society and not be sheltered from it or she’s going to be crippled for life. The parents are the AHs. Poor Casey. I would be fucking livid if the car that I purchased with my money was wrecked by someone else and not IMMEDIATELY replaced. I was such a little asshole though I wouldn’t even let my parents drive it, lol. I bought that shit, I couldn’t trust them to take care of or support me, why would I trust them with my hard-earned things?
That's exactly what I thought. If Alana was capable of studying for and passing the written test and then the driving test to get her license, she is capable of having a job.
I have severe ADHD and the best thing I can do for myself is to fill my day up with a schedule. Leaving me to my devices will ensure that I do nothing at all. But give me a school and work schedule, you can bet your ass, I will show up.
It’s wild to me to see a parent basically say “I don’t want to give this person who doesn’t have structure, any kind of structure“.
This. I have ADHD and anxiety, I worked 30-40 hours a week throughout high school and college, then picked up a second job when I graduated to pay what was left of my schooling. OP - YTA. You're not preparing your youngest for real life and you're taking advantage of your older daughter.
They are both high schoolers how are they coddling her if they see that having a job and school will be a hard balance for her? I didnt have a job in high school because my dad wanted me to focus on school. Im in college now and still havent had a job because my dad says focus on school and that I have my whole life to work. Thats not coddling if shes only 16.. thats normal
This. Is further education something that is right for Alana of she's already struggling with school? Maybe this can help her find a job that could give her experience and/or teach her something that could lead to a good career that doesn't need a college degree.
Learning hads on, on the job training or learning a trade is often more suited for kids with ADHD anyways.
So you're really screwing both your daughters... YTA. Big time.
I agree. It’ll help her manager her time and learn how to cope with her adhd (speaking from experience here). Coddling her won’t help her. Alana needs to have some since of responsibility here. Show her how to be resilient and take responsibility for her actions
Also - We’re not even talking about the full amount of the car. Just the difference from insurance payout to replacement. What else did they already spend the car payout on?
Casey is correct that Alana should make it right—ADHD isn’t debilitating, she can get a job on weekends.
But she’s incorrect to alienate her family over it—they just can’t afford it right now. 17 is an appropriate age to understand that we live in a world of constraints and that sometimes misfortune happens.
The real question is why the insurance claim isn’t enough to replace the car, since that’s exactly what insurance like that does. At worst it’s the replacement value minus a $1k deductible, hardly an insurmountable amount of money in the realm of car stuff.
She broke two limbs, if insurance wouldn’t cover totaling the car, sounds like it was blatantly her at fault. And you’d have to screw up pretty bad to get in an accident like that. This whole situation sucks for everyone, but if Casey had to work like crazy to afford that car, then it’s messed up that Alana doesn’t
I have had severe ADHD throughout my entire life and still always had a job in HS and college. It’s not impossible and did help me to learn responsibility.
As someone with ADHD I actually found it easier to work than it was to go to school. But after I got my first job, it helped motivate me to work harder in school. OP is just making excuses.
Yes, I think going no contact during a dispute like this is an over reaction. I'm not saying Casey shouldn't be more guarded, expect at least some kind of assistance, and standfast in feeling a bit wronged, I just think literally "I will never talk to my family again from the age of 17 onwards until they pay for a car" is an overreaction, for sure. But hey, I have a close and loving family, so who knows.
And yeh, we don't know several important bits about this scenario.
Me getting a part time job in high school helped me better manage time. I had undiagnosed ADHD, and getting a job helped me manage things better. OP definitely has a golden child, and it is obvious to everyone but them. Alana can get a job and see how it works out rather than OP making excuses for her.
This response and thread has been so healing for me as the oldest child of two daughters, my younger sister also having (rampantly undiagnosed due to my mom’s denial) ADHD. They coddled the shit out of her because she “wasn’t as capable” as me and honestly it ruined her self esteem and drive.
She’s not an idiot, she picked up very quickly that my parents expectations of her were vastly lower than mine and basically accepted that she wasn’t as smart or capable and stopped trying. She expected my parents to enable her forever. We are 32 and 29 now and she’s finally on her feet with a good job and engaged, but it took her FOREVER to get there and it was MESSY and is still costing my parents money. I haven’t asked my parents for money in 10 years.
I wish my parents had simply been as hard on her as they were on me, I think they did her a major disservice. I hope OP takes these responses to heart and at least tries to enforce some sort of culpability from Alana. It will benefit everyone.
Nope, if they give into Casey you end up with someone like my sister. You do not want your kid to turn out like my sister who stops talking to people over every perceived slight. Seriously, she stopped speaking to everyone because my parents who were struggling financially got her the second most expensive GPS for her car instead of the most expensive. I agree with OP that this is emotional blackmail.
Second off she let her sister use the car. She made that decision. It sucks because she was doing something nice but ultimately the decision therefore the consequences lay at her feet. Also it's not like the parents suddenly after the car accident decided that she couldn't work so Alana was not allowed to do what Casey did and most likely what money that would have been spent on her car is now going to go toward Casey's car. Which means her punishment was a broken arm, a broken leg, no car, and not being allowed to get a job. I think that is more than enough punishment.
I should also point out we don't know what the accident was. There is a huge difference between her drinking and driving and hitting some black ice and not knowing how to deal with it due to inexperience. The latter being something that easily could have happened to Casey.
I have severe ADHD and mild autism, and I started working at 13 years old. Your youngest can crash a car, she can get a job, and learn to take responsibility for her actions.
I want to know what the reaction from the parents would have been if Casey refused to share her car. Would they have pressured her to do it? Did she feel that she couldn't say no and now has lost her car because of it?
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u/Turbulent_Ebb5669 6d ago edited 6d ago
I'm with Casey on this one. You're coddling your youngest. And you have no idea if having a job could actually help your youngest learn to manage her time. You've left your oldest hanging.
*edit to add. If Alana can get her drivers license she can get a job.