WIBTA if I applied to my dream job but it prevented me from going to my best friends wedding?

[u/brit9193]

For context, I (32f) live in Canada and best friend (29f) officially moved to Italy from Canada last year to be with the love of her life. She truly is my BEST best friend and I love her more than words can express. She’s stood by me and supported me during the hardest times of my life and is truly just a joy and blessing in my life. We joke that we’re platonic soul mates and our current partners are “the romantic loves of our lives”. She met her partner during her time as an Au pair in Italy in 2021 and they got legally married this past January so that she could stay in the country. He’s a wonderful man and treats her like a princess and I truly couldn’t have picked out a more perfect person for her. I could not attend the legal marriage ceremony because of the short notice so just immediate family attended, which she expressed was totally understandable and that she “didn’t expect anyone to be able to come, even family” because she’s aware of the time and cost of travelling to Italy. She’s having her wedding next summer in Italy and 120 people are invited, of which 80 are Canadians. At this point she has not asked anyone, including myself, to be in her bridal party. I’m not sure why that is but many years ago she said she would want me to be her maid of honour and I share the same sentiments about her if I was getting married. She has also referenced me making a speech at the reception, so I’m guessing she wants to ask in person and will do so when she’s back in Canada over the holidays? Idk. Anyway, this brings me to my issue. I’ve wanted to work in emergency services for a long time but I was born with very poor eye sight. I have seen the same ophthalmologist since I was 4 and deeply trust him having my best interests. I am not a candidate for laser eye surgery but I do have a VERY strong prescription and it corrects my vision to 20/20 when wearing contact lenses or glasses. Up until last year, the profession I wanted to go into prohibited hiring anyone who requires vision correction with contact lenses or glasses (an archaic practice from back when hard contact lenses were the only option). I only learned in March that the vision standards had been updated to include contact lenses as long as they correct your vision to 20/20 which means I now qualify for the job! I was so thrilled that I cried when my ophthalmologist filled out the paperwork stating I met the vision requirements. I’m miserable in my current job and NEED a change and I’m so excited that a dream I thought was not possible is now in reach. I’ve been preparing physically and getting the mountain of required documentation and testing completed to apply as fast as I can. Here’s the issue: the training for this job is 6 months long and you CANNOT miss anything. It’s Monday- Friday 8 hours a day with no time off. I knew someone who’s brother died while he was in training and he was given the option of being dismissed for one day to attend the funeral or dropping out of the class and having to restart when the next class was hired. So what this could mean is if I’m hired before July 2025, I would miss my best friends wedding (she’s getting married on a weekday so I couldn’t fly to Italy for a weekend). I’m really struggling with the decision. I’m turning 33 this year and I’d be putting my career on hold for almost another year for her wedding if I didn’t apply now. In the grand scheme of things, I know it’s just a year but there’s a lot of factors at play; I currently live with my mom - she separated from my dad a couple years ago and I was renting, living alone and working from home during the pandemic and it was doing a number on my mental health so my mom and I moved in together. We live more as roommates and it helps us both financially to share a house (and anyone in Canada knows how absolutely DIRE the housing market is here). I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year and we definitely see ourselves getting married and having a family one day. He owns a house and what’s holding me back from moving in is finances - my current area of work is notoriously low paying. In addition, to be able to afford to go to her wedding in italy, AND continue to save to move out, I would need to get a part time job on top of my current full time job. With regard to the new job I’m applying for there are “classes”. You start at 4th class and go up to first class over a 4 year period. For every class you go up you get a 10-15k raise. When you get to first class you receive a 6 figure salary. I would want to reach that salary before I had a child and went on maternity leave so considering that timeline, even if I got hired right now I’d be 37 before I had my first child. I truly don’t know what to do. Would I be the asshole if I applied and risked being hired immediately and miss my best friends wedding? Or do I put my dreams on hold and wait until after her wedding to apply?

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[u/LovedAJackass]

Look: you don't know when you'll be hired. You don't know for sure when you will get pregnant once you're married. You've got this elaborate timeline but life is what happens while you are making timelines. You haven't even been with your boyfriend a year. So you seem way out over your skis about all of this.

Apply for the job. Talk to your BFF about that and see what she says. Notice that she made her plans without regard to the difficulty and expense of her guests going to Italy--and for a WEEKDAY wedding. They could have done a wedding in Italy for 40 people and flown to Canada to have a party there, which you could attend. She made the plans that work for her. I'm pretty sure if she loves you she will want you to go for your dream. If you are in training you can always Zoom in to the ceremony, you can give a speech, and once you finish your course, go to Italy to celebrate both of you going for your dreams.

And of course, the class may start in January and be over before the wedding.

[u/Linetita09 → u/LovedAJackass]

This!! 🙌🙌 I could not have said it better!

[u/schlond_poofa_]

YWNBTA. You can't be absent from your own life, just to be present for other people's life events. Do the training, miss the wedding. You friendship should be able to survive this.

[u/Fun-Yellow-6576]

YWNBTA. She’s already married, plus. You’re putting the cart before the horse. You have to get the job 1st.

[u/RugbyKats]

Take the dream job: They don’t come around often, and you will do it for years. Then, let her know the dates that you are not available. A friend will understand.

[u/Artistic-Emotion-623]

YWNBTA if you went for the once a year opportunity where you know you can’t get any leave as it sounds like it is your dream.

However it “may” affect your relationship with her. I don’t know her she may be genuinely excited for you or but in the back of her mind be a little annoyed you don’t go to her wedding which you had over 6 months notice.

It looks like this new career opportunity is quite the commitment over 4 years. Is each class same no holiday? But if you want to do it and if you’re looking at your body clock only you can decide if it’s worth it vs it’s just the putting it off the year.

And only you can decide that. I know I personally would struggle as well to make that decision if I was in your shoes. But I don’t dislike my job enough for that to be a factor so I would rather live in the now but I can totally understand the career drive when you want a change.

[u/poochonmom]

I’m turning 33 this year and I’d be putting my career on hold for almost another year for her wedding if I didn’t apply now.

In addition, to be able to afford to go to her wedding in italy, AND continue to save to move out, I would need to get a part time job on top of my current full time job.

Just because of these two points, please be kind to yourself and skip her wedding. Go apply for that dream job. If she is your platonic soul mate, she would understood .

In fact, if she is as good a friend as you say she is, you would have brought this up to her already. You are hesitating..do you feel like you put your life on hold for others already? If so, it is all the more important that you think of yourself and your life now.

I am older and have missed every single best friends wedding in india since I moved to the US to study and was a poor student who couldn't afford the flights (and I couldn't work beyond certain number of hours on my visa to make more money). All my friends understood and it wasn't even a big deal. We meet now as much as we can since we are all settled and earn some money. We talk everyday and still love each other as best of friends.

It will work out. Don't worry.

[u/AutoModerator]

Backup of the post's body: For context, I (32f) live in Canada and best friend (29f) officially moved to Italy from Canada last year to be with the love of her life. She truly is my BEST best friend and I love her more than words can express. She’s stood by me and supported me during the hardest times of my life and is truly just a joy and blessing in my life. We joke that we’re platonic soul mates and our current partners are “the romantic loves of our lives”. She met her partner during her time as an Au pair in Italy in 2021 and they got legally married this past January so that she could stay in the country. He’s a wonderful man and treats her like a princess and I truly couldn’t have picked out a more perfect person for her. I could not attend the legal marriage ceremony because of the short notice so just immediate family attended, which she expressed was totally understandable and that she “didn’t expect anyone to be able to come, even family” because she’s aware of the time and cost of travelling to Italy. She’s having her wedding next summer in Italy and 120 people are invited, of which 80 are Canadians. At this point she has not asked anyone, including myself, to be in her bridal party. I’m not sure why that is but many years ago she said she would want me to be her maid of honour and I share the same sentiments about her if I was getting married. She has also referenced me making a speech at the reception, so I’m guessing she wants to ask in person and will do so when she’s back in Canada over the holidays? Idk. Anyway, this brings me to my issue. I’ve wanted to work in emergency services for a long time but I was born with very poor eye sight. I have seen the same ophthalmologist since I was 4 and deeply trust him having my best interests. I am not a candidate for laser eye surgery but I do have a VERY strong prescription and it corrects my vision to 20/20 when wearing contact lenses or glasses. Up until last year, the profession I wanted to go into prohibited hiring anyone who requires vision correction with contact lenses or glasses (an archaic practice from back when hard contact lenses were the only option). I only learned in March that the vision standards had been updated to include contact lenses as long as they correct your vision to 20/20 which means I now qualify for the job! I was so thrilled that I cried when my ophthalmologist filled out the paperwork stating I met the vision requirements. I’m miserable in my current job and NEED a change and I’m so excited that a dream I thought was not possible is now in reach. I’ve been preparing physically and getting the mountain of required documentation and testing completed to apply as fast as I can. Here’s the issue: the training for this job is 6 months long and you CANNOT miss anything. It’s Monday- Friday 8 hours a day with no time off. I knew someone who’s brother died while he was in training and he was given the option of being dismissed for one day to attend the funeral or dropping out of the class and having to restart when the next class was hired. So what this could mean is if I’m hired before July 2025, I would miss my best friends wedding (she’s getting married on a weekday so I couldn’t fly to Italy for a weekend). I’m really struggling with the decision. I’m turning 33 this year and I’d be putting my career on hold for almost another year for her wedding if I didn’t apply now. In the grand scheme of things, I know it’s just a year but there’s a lot of factors at play; I currently live with my mom - she separated from my dad a couple years ago and I was renting, living alone and working from home during the pandemic and it was doing a number on my mental health so my mom and I moved in together. We live more as roommates and it helps us both financially to share a house (and anyone in Canada knows how absolutely DIRE the housing market is here). I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year and we definitely see ourselves getting married and having a family one day. He owns a house and what’s holding me back from moving in is finances - my current area of work is notoriously low paying. In addition, to be able to afford to go to her wedding in italy, AND continue to save to move out, I would need to get a part time job on top of my current full time job. With regard to the new job I’m applying for there are “classes”. You start at 4th class and go up to first class over a 4 year period. For every class you go up you get a 10-15k raise. When you get to first class you receive a 6 figure salary. I would want to reach that salary before I had a child and went on maternity leave so considering that timeline, even if I got hired right now I’d be 37 before I had my first child. I truly don’t know what to do. Would I be the asshole if I applied and risked being hired immediately and miss my best friends wedding? Or do I put my dreams on hold and wait until after her wedding to apply?

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[u/rhunter99]

If she was a friend she would understand and cheer for your success. A one day party should not trump your financial stability. Nta.

[u/wearethe138]

Job will benefit you for life. Her wedding will not. A true real friend would understand. Best of luck.

[u/Princesshannon2002]

NTA. Your future vs a one time party is a no brainer. I hope the job is amazing for you! Congratulations on getting the dream!

[u/Parks102]

A good friend will understand.

[u/billymackactually]

This is your LIFE. It can't be put 'on hold' for a what if conversation that you've had with your BFF. She may have changed her mind about the type of wedding or wedding party she's going to have and is waiting to see you in person to discuss it, but even more important, you can't put your entire career on hold for a whole year for an event that will last a day, a week or however long that you may be in Italy. Even if she's planning on you being there for her for everything, if she's that close, she'll understand how important this is for you.

Choose your career and your life.

[u/hironohara]

Please use paragraphs. NTA.

[u/dell828]

YWNBTA. These are all hypothetical situation’s. Hypothetically you could get the job. Hypothetically they schedule you for training during the wedding, and scheduling her wedding for a weekday? In Italy??

Maybe the reason she hasn’t asked you was because she doesn’t want to assume that you will just fly to Italy to attend a weekday event so far in the future.

Call her, tell her what’s going on with you and your career. Tell her how bad you would feel if you weren’t able to attend but how this training is a non-negotiable with your employer.

Lay down on the table to be honest.

[u/Broffie1]

YWNBTA

I love my friends, as you do yours. They have a special place in my heart and my life. But that’s just it, it’s my life to live. You have to make hard choices in life and that includes sacrificing someone else’s happiness for your own. If she is truly your “souls mate” like you said, she will understand and cheer you on even if she’s bummed you can’t be there for here.

This is one of those rare times when you have to put your friendship on the line and hope that your bond is stronger than the issue at hand. Good luck OP and I do hope you smash this job!

[u/Kisses4Kimmy]

Even if you can’t make the wedding you can still give a gift and maybe plan to visit in the future once things settle if you feel really bad about it.