r/TwoHotTakes • u/Extreme-Load • 2d ago
AITA for RSVPing no to my childhood best friend’s wedding? Listener Write In
Hey there! Long time lurker, first time poster. This story is around a year old, but I was too nervous to post about it then, and I’ve decided that there couldn’t really possibly be any consequences to posting at this point. TW: sexual assault; mental health
My(25F) childhood best friend(25F), let’s call her Jane, got married last September. For context, we were practically family. We did everything together, and in high school she and her sisters ended up moving in with my family (her Mom passed when she was younger and her dad was abusive, disappeared, and their electric and water got shut off). She lived with us up until the summer that I was SA’d by her stepbrother (who was also my ex that had been living with my parents because he couldn’t afford housing at his college).
After the assault, she was the first person that I told because she was the only one to pick up (I called her last), and she also felt betrayed, supported me, and cut contact with him. Years passed, with time and distance we grew apart (especially with the stress of what her brother did), and Jane got engaged. Fortunately, I was unable to attend her engagement party, but I found out through photos that her brother was there. Obviously I didn’t blame Jane, no one who planned the party could have known, but I also hadn’t known prior to that that they had contact with one another again.
Despite our distance, I expected to be made a bridesmaid because I had never stopped considering us sisters and family. I found out through my mom that she wasn’t planning on asking me. I reached out to her to share that I understood, but I was also very hurt, especially considering the lack of communication when we had talked so very many times about each other’s wedding days. Through this conversation I expressed that in some ways I felt like she had chosen her step brother over me when he had been the one to ruin everything between all of us. I felt that I was just as much her family as he was, but she clearly didn’t seem to feel the same. She told me that he was likely going to be very visible at the wedding, and might even walk her down the aisle.
After that conversation, we talked about trying to be more intentional with one another. I made efforts to see her and plan in advance when I was going to be in town, but she was always too busy. She never reached out to tell me any further how visible her brother would be, and I was very anxious about being triggered by seeing him for the first time since the assault at the wedding. I was worried that it could trigger panic attacks that would cause a scene and pull focus, or even send me back into a depression.
After toiling over the decision for months, I ultimately decided to protect my peace and RSVP no with a short explanation attached with as positive a tone as possible so I would be as little burden as possible. She texted me that she was disappointed I wouldn’t be able to be there, and I apologized, but said that I would love to celebrate with her, her partner, and my partner privately as soon as we could. She told me that she wasn’t interested in coddling my pride with a private celebration. We ended up having a long, frank, text exchange where I explained that the combination of seeing her brother, not being a bridesmaid with her and my friends, and having to explain to confused guests why I wasn’t in the wedding party; that it was just too risky and overwhelming for me. I also mentioned that I didn’t want to risk pulling focus with panic attacks.
The conversation ended with her telling me that she felt like I was using my assault to make her feel guilty about not making me a bridesmaid. It is the most painful thing that anyone has ever said to me, but what hurt even more was that she thought I had become someone who was capable of something like that. So, AITA?
Edit for clarity: Expect may have been the wrong word. I didn’t actively place those expectations on to her, but I was surprised when I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid (as were all of the bridesmaid who had a mutual friendship with us).
We grew apart, but we still had contact with each other. We talked every few months, saw each other several times a year, and exchanged Wordle scores everyday.
Edit 2: Full disclosure, I recently discovered two hot takes, and so part of reason I’m posting is because I thought it would be fun to be listening and hear my own write in. I don’t actively fixate or ruminate on this regularly, but it’s a sore spot I was curious for outside opinions on, and seemed like the kind of story I often hear Morgan reading on the show. Hey girlie!
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u/quabityashuance 2d ago
Sometimes relationships grow too burdened with complicated history to continue in a healthy way. Let this friendship go, grieve the loss, try to treasure whatever positive memories that you can, and move on. A good therapist may also be able to help guide you through this process.
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
I do have a wonderful therapist who has been helping me process! She actually recommended I post on here to see unbiased feedback.
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u/Ok_Stable7501 2d ago
NTA. But it sounds like she’s taken his side. You did the right thing. I wouldn’t spend any more time trying to repair this relationship.
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u/No-Eagle-5072 2d ago
Totally agree. It sucks, but sometimes protecting your peace means letting go of people who can’t respect your boundaries.
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u/MsKrueger 2d ago
NTA, but with love- I think you're holding on too tight to this friendship. I know she meant a lot to you, but it sounds like you haven't really been in contact in years. On top of that:
You didn't go to the engagement party
You aren't in the wedding.
She has reconciled with her stepbrother, who assaulted you.
I'm getting the vibe she isn't interested in being friends anymore, and that you guys haven't really been friends for a while. I know you felt like sisters because of your past, but in practice, you're acquittances at this point. And at this point, I think doing things like trying to organize a private celebration for her wedding with just the couple, you, and your partner (which is kind of a big thing to ask someone to do), sending explanations for RSVPing no, and inviting her to plans after she's repeatedly turned you down is widening the gap between you, not closing it. It's understandable you're hurt and feeling betrayed, but I think she considers this friendship over. The more you try to salvage it, the more pain you're going to cause yourself.
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
I had an existing conflict the night of the engagement party that I couldn’t miss. The RSVP was online, and when I answered no it prompted me to give a reason. I felt like it would be worse to just leave it blank. By “private celebration” I really just meant “hang out” which she knew and rejected. The friendship is over, but I was curious to see unbiased opinions.
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u/MsKrueger 2d ago
And the unbiased opinions seem to be that you two are not friends and haven't been for a while. I understand you felt differently, but based on everything you've shared that wasn't the reality.
As for the private celebration thing- if you didn't clarify to her that you only meant a regular hang out, then she might have assumed you were asking for an actual, second celebration to accommodate you not going to the wedding.
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u/Significant_Planter 2d ago
Obviously I'm speculating here, but I'm guessing that over the years where you've been absent she's been forced to see her step brother at different family events. She might also be one of those people that doesn't think you can be SAd by a sexual partner even if they are former. I've seen it in one of these subs where somebody said "I don't understand the problem, you had sex willingly with him before" which is an absolute disgusting way to look at it! But I'm wondering if maybe she's one of those people?
Whatever the case is, I think it's better for your mental health to stay away from both of them! Just consider them people in your past. You didn't do anything wrong. And I think you're right, something might have upset you and you may have accidentally pulled focus from her.. or you may have quietly walked away because you are upset and she blows up at you anyway saying everybody noticed when nobody did. Anything could have happened! It's better you didn't go and it's better you walk away from these people.
And maybe get some therapy to see if you can get past your feelings on this. I think it'll make you feel better about other relationships in the future. Good luck!
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
Their parents divorced before she and her sisters moved in with me. Initially after the assault she cut contact with him, but it’s also when she started to pull away. Over the years we talked about it several times, and she recognizes that she started to pull away and feel less comfortable around us because she felt a certain responsibility for bringing him into our lives (even though we never blamed her).
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u/MelodramaticMouse 1d ago
A lot of times, when an OP is subjected to a lot of drama, we suggest giving the dramatic person the slow fade as opposed to confronting and dumping the dramatic person because that only causes more drama. I have a feeling that your friend gave you the slow fade to get away from all of the drama. Basically it's just not really contacting them, having very short conversations when they contact you, being "busy" when contacted etc. It's like a breakup without a dramatic end or a sudden ghosting.
She likely was hoping you would fade away. It doesn't sound like you two were a part of each other's lives or really up to date on what each had going on in their lives except the big news that everyone already knows. She quit being your friend years ago.
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u/some1105 2d ago
NTA. I don’t remain friends with sexual predators, and I have cut off family members for less. I’m sorry it hurts you, but not only has she made her very screwed up choice, but she is a bad person.
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u/Margaret2012ivanov 2d ago
Well, sometimes people grow apart, weddings can be a bit much, no harm in declining!
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u/SassyLammaSpirit 2d ago
NTA
(I had a friend who was my MOH, but I didn't even know she was getting married until she posted pics of the wedding on FB. ) People grow apart and things change. There is nothing wrong with putting your health and wellbeing before everything else. I'm sorry that you had to experience something like this. People always talk about the heartbreak of ended relationships, no one talks about the heartbreak of ended friendships. You love this person too, not romantic love, but love non the less. It can hurt when it ends.
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u/lindseys10 2d ago
Nta for declining the invite
But kind of annoying to just "expect" to be a bridesmaid no matter who
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
I didn’t express or force those expectations on her. I had just always planned on making her one because I considered her my sister and family, so when I wasn’t asked it felt like I was being told that’s not what we were. Additionally, every other bridesmaid who had a mutual friendship with us was shocked that I wasn’t asked as well.
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u/sparkleplentylikegma 1d ago
My extended family experienced an issue with a family member who was accused of SA by a child and we took the child’s side. We told his immediate family that we would still have a relationship with them without him. They said we had to choose- all of them, including him or none of them. We chose none of them. They were shocked and tried desperately to cause as many problems as they could but we held our ground because SA is SA and we were not about to have a person in our lives who did that - to anyone! I don’t understand people who don’t cut abusers like that out of their lives!
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u/Xzmtsf 2d ago
You had unreasonable expectations regarding being a bridesmaid given your years of distance in the relationship with Jane. You sound entitled for wanting to be included in the bridal party based off of your feelings and not recognizing the complete lack of an adult friendship.
With the high likelihood for the brother to be at the wedding, why would you have wanted to be in the wedding party?
NTA for declining to go for mental health reasons. But your continued reminders of your reason were never going to get anything positive from Jane who only has a brother to walk her down the aisle. You repeatedly made it impossible for her to be friends with you because you were forcing her to choose between a childhood friend who she wasn’t close to as an adult and her brother. Why are you’surprised by the outcome?
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
There wasn’t a complete lack of friendship, just a shift because of time and physical distance. I was surprised to not be asked to be in the bridal party (along with every member of the bridal party who had a mutual friendship with us). If I gave every detail of why I considered us sisters and not friends, then I would be here forever. Those are the reasons I would’ve wanted to be there to celebrate with her on that day. Again, she had cut contact with him after he assaulted me, and I only found out that they had contact again after the engagement party. He was her step brother, and their parents were divorced before she ever even moved in with me, so I had considered myself her family in every way that he was. I never forced her to choose, but she never communicated with me that he was back in her life, so I was blindsided by it. We had one conversation where we both expressed a lot of feelings surrounding the situation and came to was seemed to be resolution and understanding. From that she must’ve assumed that I was definitely going to attend, and then she was angry and attacked me when I offered her my best of a “private celebration” which really just meant that I was asking to hang out with her. That is what she ultimately rejected, therefore ending the friendship.
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u/rexmaster2 2d ago
This may all be true. But you are missing the point, no one is entitled to be someone's bridesmaid, close as sisters and sisters alike.
The fact that she hadnt told you that she had reconnected with her step-brother should tell you how close she has been feeling towards you these last however many years.
At least she was still keeping you in her thoughts when you were invited. I would hate to consider what her feelings were towards you after you declined and for the reasons you listed.
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
I fully understand that. I didn’t blame or fault her for not making me one. I totally understood how it happened, but it hurt that she didn’t tell me herself.
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u/MsKrueger 2d ago
May I ask, which part was hurtful she didn't tell you yourself? That she wasn't asking you to be a bridesmaid or that she was talking to her stepbrother again?
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
Realistically a combination of the three. I was hurt I wasn’t asked, but I also understood why I wasn’t. I didn’t fault her for not making me one, but I also knew that she knew it would make me sad, so I didn’t understand why she didn’t tell me herself. When we did talk, she told me she had been expecting the call. It did hurt that she was talking to her brother again, but I had never asked her to cut contact, and with her knowing what he did, it hurt that she didn’t tell me that he would be there until I reached out to her.
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u/Physical_Papaya_4960 2d ago
Why would you want contact with this person. Her brother assaulted you & she wants to give him the honour of walking her down the isle. She obviously doesn't see much wrong with what he did or she would have stayed no contact. I have brothers, they would be absolutely nothing to me if I found out they did that to anyone. Obviously your mother is in contact with her, does she know she's friendly with you abuser?
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
He didn’t end up walking her down the aisle, but she only told me that after I declined. My Mom does know now and attended the wedding because of the history and connection(especially with Jane’s mom having passed when she was young), but they don’t really talk at this point.
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u/susandeyvyjones 2d ago
So, it was a shift because of time and distance, but you think the shift was to we don’t see each other much but we’re still as close as sisters and she think the shift was to close acquaintances.
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u/PileaPrairiemioides 2d ago
ESH, but her more than you.
Feeling hurt and declining to attend her wedding because of the presence of her stepbrother/your attacker is completely reasonable and justified. She should not expect you to get over being SAed, and it sucks that she chose him over you knowing what he did. And she did choose.
Her comment was very unkind.
Expecting to be a bridesmaid and making a big deal about it when you grew apart and haven’t been close in years isn’t great behaviour. Relationships change and it sounds like you barely knew what was going on in each others lives. Your feelings are valid, but your approach in that first conversation wasn’t productive. It sounds like you were both responsible for neglecting your friendship, but here you made it all her responsibility and expected her to keep prioritizing you when you were not prioritizing her either. No one ever cultivated a closer relationship with someone else by blaming them for not being as close as you hoped to be.
I’m highly sceptical that people would be asking you why you’re not in the wedding party at the wedding or that anyone would be confused when they know that you haven’t lived in the same city or been close for years. That was just an unnecessary and dramatic detail to add to your RSVP and comes across as self centred.
I think you made the right choice in declining to attend the wedding, but if you’re sad that a relationship is no longer as close as it used to be, feelingsdumping all over that person is both counterproductive and just not great behaviour.
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
It wasn’t just a feelings dump, it was a back and forth conversation, and when I initiated it she told me that she had been expecting me to call her about it at some point. We talked for several hours about a lot of history and then talked about making more of an effort with each other. The next several times I was in town I reached out to her in advance, but she had a busy schedule and wasn’t available. Many mutual friends knew our history and that there were others in the bridal party who she had less intimate relationships with. I can see where that would’ve been an excess detail, and may have been my anxiety making the situation spiral.
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u/PileaPrairiemioides 2d ago
Well I’m really sorry that she let you down and wasn’t invested in at least preserving space for your relationship. That’s a really painful thing to deal with, and you deserved better than that, given how close you once were and all you and your family did for her. I hope you can grieve the end of this and move forward with other friends and family who are invested in their relationships with you.
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
Thanks so much, I really appreciate your perspective and respectful feedback :)
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u/AleksanderSuave 1d ago
You’re not wrong for feeling wronged that she chose to reconcile with the stepbrother, and distanced herself from you.
You are however in the wrong for being mad she didn’t make you part of the bridal party. That’s entirely her decision and one you don’t get a say in.
Once you plan a wedding you’ll understand how much others try to make it about themselves.
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u/marblefree 2d ago
NTA and she doesn't deserve you in your life. She chose her step brother clearly and therefore you need to stop considering her family. I'm sorry and it sucks. I hope you blocked her everywhere and had a mini vacation with your bf.
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u/Redrose7735 2d ago
I think you know that you aren't the AH. Your friend has moved on from whatever you had when you were younger, and she pretty much doesn't seem to care that you were a victim of her stepbrother. Time passes and memories fade, and she has forgotten how traumatic this circumstance was for you. She has moved on, and that means you have to move on as well. Her stepbrother is obviously a regular in her life, why else would she consider letting him walk her down the aisle? To be involved closely with her life, you would most assuredly run into the stepbrother. Keep your peace, move on.
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u/Anxious_State 1d ago
YTA/NTA Hear me out . YTA cause if you were a bridesmaid you would have gone to the wedding and supported your friend knowing the step brother would be there . These things wouldn’t have changed he was going to be there so is you were going to have a panic attack it would happen regardless if you’re a bridesmaid’s or not. You stated your self you don’t want people asking went want you a bridesmaid. This is your true reason for not going your hurt that she chose people that she is in contact with on a regular basis that’s what people do. You and her grew apart over time but she still wanted you there to celebrate her big day. NTA is you know you’re going to be triggered by this went put yourself at risk of a panic attack or would have been easier to just decline instead is saying you’re hitter over the bridesmaid thing cause now it’s seems petty. But you have to do what’s best for you and your mental health. She may not think of the attack the same way you see it which is fine as it happened to you Anne not her. You have to learn that everyone isn’t going to address things from the same perspective as you and for this you have to be fine with it
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u/JellicoAlpha_3_1 1d ago
With all due respect...this person sounds down right awful
Please stop stressing over this friendship ending
Anyone who would say that she felt like you were using your assault to make her feel bad about not making you a bridesmaid is a terrible human being
You should not be friends with terrible human beings
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u/CeruleanMoon9 1d ago
NTA at all about not wanting to go, not wanting to see your abuser, and being upset your friend hose to stay close with your abuser.
All the stuff about being a bridesmaid is not cool though. I would be shocked if someone I only spoke to every few months wanted me to be a bridesmaid, and even if I WAS close with someone and felt hurt about not being in their wedding party, I wouldn’t burden them with my disappointment about a day that’s not about me at all and entirely about them. It sounds like you also brought it up multiple times and then dragged in more friends by telling her they also were surprised. I’m not sure why a busy bride needed to hear any of that.
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u/Old_Badger311 2d ago
Your friendship has run its course. Sometimes it happens. At the time you two needed each other. Now not so much. It’s ok - you’re NTA
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Backup of the post's body: Hey there! Long time lurker, first time poster. This story is around a year old, but I was too nervous to post about it then, and I’ve decided that there couldn’t really possibly be any consequences to posting at this point. TW: sexual assault; mental health
My(25F) childhood best friend(25F), let’s call her Jane, got married last September. For context, we were practically family. We did everything together, and in high school she and her sisters ended up moving in with my family (her Mom passed when she was younger and her dad was abusive, disappeared, and their electric and water got shut off). She lived with us up until the summer that I was SA’d by her stepbrother (who was also my ex that had been living with my parents because he couldn’t afford housing at his college).
After the assault, she was the first person that I told because she was the only one to pick up (I called her last), and she also felt betrayed, supported me, and cut contact with him. Years passed, with time and distance we grew apart (especially with the stress of what her brother did), and Jane got engaged. Fortunately, I was unable to attend her engagement party, but I found out through photos that her brother was there. Obviously I didn’t blame Jane, no one who planned the party could have known, but I also hadn’t known prior to that that they had contact with one another again.
Despite our distance, I expected to be made a bridesmaid because I had never stopped considering us sisters and family. I found out through my mom that she wasn’t planning on asking me. I reached out to her to share that I understood, but I was also very hurt, especially considering the lack of communication when we had talked so very many times about each other’s wedding days. Through this conversation I expressed that in some ways I felt like she had chosen her step brother over me when he had been the one to ruin everything between all of us. I felt that I was just as much her family as he was, but she clearly didn’t seem to feel the same. She told me that he was likely going to be very visible at the wedding, and might even walk her down the aisle.
After that conversation, we talked about trying to be more intentional with one another. I made efforts to see her and plan in advance when I was going to be in town, but she was always too busy. She never reached out to tell me any further how visible her brother would be, and I was very anxious about being triggered by seeing him for the first time since the assault at the wedding. I was worried that it could trigger panic attacks that would cause a scene and pull focus, or even send me back into a depression.
After toiling over the decision for months, I ultimately decided to protect my peace and RSVP no with a short explanation attached with as positive a tone as possible so I would be as little burden as possible. She texted me that she was disappointed I wouldn’t be able to be there, and I apologized, but said that I would love to celebrate with her, her partner, and my partner privately as soon as we could. She told me that she wasn’t interested in coddling my pride with a private celebration. We ended up having a long, frank, text exchange where I explained that the combination of seeing her brother, not being a bridesmaid with her and my friends, and having to explain to confused guests why I wasn’t in the wedding party; that it was just too risky and overwhelming for me. I also mentioned that I didn’t want to risk pulling focus with panic attacks.
The conversation ended with her telling me that she felt like I was using my assault to make her feel guilty about not making me a bridesmaid. It is the most painful thing that anyone has ever said to me, but what hurt even more was that she thought I had become someone who was capable of something like that. So, AITA?
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u/Haute_Tater 2d ago
NTA. And the way she’s speaking. She chose the side. To say something so hurtful doesn’t deserve any more attention. When people want to be a part of your life. They will be. No need to beg or ask. Leave it be. Move on and find people who truly love you and would never victim blame.
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u/Faunaholic 2d ago
NTA - y’all grew apart and she just expected you would be fine with it. Not everyone feels there has to be a notification, explanation, announcement or communication of any sort - they just kind of fade away and hope you take the hint. Definitely a good decision not to go for your own mental health, you probably should have skipped explaining why unless she asked specifically.
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u/Medical_Let_2001 2d ago
NTA. It's totally understandable that you didn't want to go to the wedding. It's important to take care of yourself and avoid triggers. Your friend should understand and support your decision.
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u/Pale_Willingness1882 2d ago
NTA. But she obviously chose her brother if he’s walking her down the aisle
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u/lawdot74 2d ago
Some people were meant to be a part of our lives only for a season. Mourn the loss.
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u/SmeeegHeead 2d ago
Nta.
Cut her off... The relationship is done. She's not a nice person.
Mourn, then move on.
Updateme!
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u/National-Sir-5362 2d ago
ESH it hurts when a friendship ends. One person always ends up hurting more then the other. IMO right around the time you started your attempt to guilt trip Jane about not asking you to be a bridesmaid/her reconciling with her stepbrother (your ex boyfriend and SA partner) that’s when the friendship ended. Everything after that is just exhausting. Let it go. Leave Jane alone and focus on your own mental health.
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u/sleepymelfho 2d ago
The fact that you said you cut contact but still expected to be a bridesmaid. Yuck. People grow up and move on. Everything with her brother aside, NTA for saying no but huge YTA for being presumptuous as hell and honestly trying to force yourself into a wedding the bride clearly didn't want you in.
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
I didn’t cut contact with her. I cut it with him, and she did too. When they reinitiated contact she never told me. We talked every few months, and we sent each other our Wordle score everyday.
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u/morganalefaye125 2d ago
You grew apart. She was always "too busy". She wasn't too busy, she just didn't want to get together. The friendship was already over by then, she just didn't want to hurt your feelings. You talking every few months and sending each other game scores doesn't a close relationship make. Then, your mom has to tell you that the girl doesn't want you in her wedding. If you didn't get the hint before, this should've done it. I'm sorry. It isn't easy when a good friendship peters out. Just let it go though. It's going to hurt, but not as bad as chasing this relationship that doesn't even exist anymore
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u/sleepymelfho 2d ago
You said that you grew distant. Now you are backtracking. The bottom line is that she did NOT want you involved. You were presumptuous to assume that you automatically had a spot in her wedding. That makes YTA. I personally wouldn't have attended the wedding regardless, but I wouldn't have tried to make it all about me either. I would have just said no and left it at that.
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
I did say we grew distant. We weren’t as close as when we lived across the hallway from each other for years, but we still talked.
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u/susandeyvyjones 2d ago
You talked every few months. That’s not sisters.
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
Lots of people have different relationships with their family. Over the years Jane has had a tendency to push away family (I watched it with her bio sister when we were in high school, and we’ve talked about it), so I had rationalized that at least she treated me like family. I’m not saying that I was correct in that assessment, but I’m about to be in my own biological sister’s wedding who I talk to every few months, so I don’t think it’s fair to say what “sisters” looks like.
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u/Emaretlee 1d ago
I'm with you, OP. My cousins are basically my sisters but we only talk every few months or comment on social media posts once in a while. We live far away and have busy lives. That doesn't mean I don't still consider them my 'sisters' and vice versa. You're allowed to be disappointed that you weren't asked to be bridesmaid. And you didn't try to force your way in. So 100% NTA although you already know that. Jane, for whatever reason, has decided to leave the past behind her and you with it. Go in peace!
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u/wyldstallyns111 1d ago
I think sometimes when people say “my good friend X is like my sister”, to some people they mean it literally, but other people are just using it hyperbolically to mean their (at the time) best friend. It leads to some mismatched expectations unfortunately. As I’ve gotten older I’ve not seen many people’s “like sisters/brothers” friendships from their teenage years actually translate to a sibling-like relationship into adulthood.
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u/Rhuthbarb 2d ago
I take offense to her calling it “your assault”.
It’s her brother’s assault. OP is the one who has to live with its effects.
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u/Otherwise_Piglet_862 2d ago
I'm gonna be honest with you here... you sound like a fucking chore to be around. Maybe it's just this particular person because of the history, but really, an "explanation" in the RSVP is passive aggressive at best. Sounds like you hadn't talked in a long time (maybe years?), then you leveraged the gossip grapevine to reach out and admonish her for not making you a bridesmaid. That's weird man. Let it go, most people will not be in your life forever. I can see why the friend said what she said, but I also, probably, don't think that was your intention.
NAH.
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
The RSVP was an online one that prompted whether or not to leave a reason. I thought it would be worse to say no and to just leave it blank. Again, we were like family, she called me a sister and she called my Mom, “Mom.” I wasn’t mad that I wasn’t a bridesmaid, but I’ve learned that I view relationships differently than some and place a higher value on history. I was hurt that she didn’t communicate with me, when we did communicate every several months or so, and exchanged our Wordle score everyday. I do have to ask why you felt the need to tear me down over an irrelevant detail when you ultimately decided you didn’t even think it was my intention to make her feel guilty?
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u/Otherwise_Piglet_862 2d ago
Just because there is history, doesn't mean there's a future. I share memes, directly, with people I call friends and I know for sure would never invite me to a wedding, and I wouldn't care or invite them either. That's an irrelevancy to what the actual relationship is.
I don't believe I "tore you down", I'm just giving a frank opinion on the situation you described. I also included a caveat, understanding I don't personally have the whole ass picture. Are you here for validation or do you want honest feedback? And just because you seem like a lot, it doesn't mean you're an AH because of it.
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u/wickedlees 2d ago
I agree, perhaps this will give you some insight from how you’re coming across. You honestly sound quite narcissistic, at least self absorbed. She has moved on, she chose her own family, not someone who she stayed with in a bad spot. Personally, she probably owes your Mom a debt of gratitude for the help. I was SO’d years ago in college, I can’t even remember the dudes name now. I completely dealt with it and moved on. It something that once happened but it doesn’t define me. I feel like for you it does, you’ve let it. I say this with all positive energy, in a caring way, you should have more therapy. It’s evident this friendship has run its course, but hey? Maybe when you’re healthy you can reconnect.
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u/Emaretlee 1d ago
For someone that was sexually assaulted I'm astounded that you would minimise someone else's experience in this matter. That's actually disgusting. She was a teenager for goodness sake. Just because 'you can't even remember the dude's name' doesn't mean she has to. I sure as heck remember my assaulters name and everything about him. There was no positive energy or caring in that stupid comment. Just gross.
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u/wickedlees 1d ago
People cope in different ways, that’s your experience. Not mine. I dealt with my SA in a different way. As I said, more therapy. I rarely ever think about that miserable moment. I define myself as a mom, grandmother, wife, sister, and many other positive things. I Choose not to dwell on something that can only cause me pain. I urge you and OP to do the same.
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u/Emaretlee 1d ago
I'm perfectly reconciled with what happened to me. I don't identify as a sexual assault survivor. Nor do I dwell. I have a happy, healthy life. That doesn't mean I have to forget what happened to me. I urge you to get more therapy so you can get a better understanding of how it's ok for sexual assault survivors to not have to regard their abusers as 'some dude' and forget about it.
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
Again, he was her step brother, and their parents had divorced. Legally, and experientially we were just as much family. I’m in therapy and in a very healthy place. I don’t ruminate on this regularly, but was just curious to hear what others had to say. I didn’t do anything to hurt you, and I didn’t come here to find out whether I was a “fucking chore.” I asked if I was an asshole for saying no.
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u/MsKrueger 2d ago
I would ignore that person. It's a pretty wild take to suggest you should be fine with being around the person who assaulted you when you can avoid it.
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u/wickedlees 2d ago
I think you’re carrying too much around, it must be heavy. Let it go. Perhaps when you’re in an even better place the friendship can grow again. It was Her wedding day, so, her choices are about her/husband. You were just a guest.
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u/MeGrimlock12 2d ago
Sonic you were a bridesmaid tou would have gone? That can't be right. Kind of the asshole for feeling entitled and being willing to cross that line NTA for declining
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u/Extreme-Load 2d ago
If I were a bridesmaid I would have had the opportunity to know much more clearly what the day looked like, and I would’ve been with my friends surrounded by the busyness of wedding day. I also probably would’ve set up a first contact in some sort of a controlled environment. I was more surprised than entitled (as were all of the bridesmaids who had a mutual friendship with us). I had always considered us family, and never considered us not being in each other’s wedding a possibility. I’ve learned that I place more value on history than most people, and that’s okay, but it was the lack of communication that really hurt.
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u/Head_Wall_Repeat 11h ago
NTA.
My brother's best friend in HS tried to SA me (I got away) at an after prom party. Despite knowing this, they stayed friends and he was a groomsman in my brother's wedding and I was a bridesmaid. I wish I would have even thought to decline attending, but I was really young and meek. Do had to do what is best for you
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u/mimistrikeaband123 2d ago
NTA. You can say no to doing anything for any reason or for no reason at all.
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u/Traveling-Techie 2d ago
I guess the only problem is your pride. You need to be a more humble SA victim. /s
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