r/TwoHotTakes • u/Fantastic_Read_9651 • Aug 05 '24
My MIL puts an ingredient I’m allergic to in her dishes Listener Write In
I, 27 female, have been with my fiancé, 28 male for 5 years. I have an allergy to dairy. No, I won’t die, and no I don’t just have ‘tummy issues’. It’s beyond that. Dairy causes such bad inflammation in my body that even a small amount can put me out of commission for nearly a week. I’ve always had back, knee and general joint issues growing up but I’ve finally narrowed it down within the past few years. While strictly dairy free, I will go months on end without any serious back or joint pain. The moment I have even the smallest amount, butter on my toast, cheese on my burger, my back will literally go out the next day and I’ll be in pretty serious pain for about a week until the inflammation goes down. There have been too many occurrences of missing work, and ER visits before I narrowed down the allergy. Believe me I love cheese, but it’s just not worth it anymore.
My MIL has known of the allergy for the past 4 years. My fiance continues to remind her, however she still somehow finds a way to add some element of dairy to every dish. I put up with it for a few months, as we eat at their house maybe once a month to every 6 weeks, but it’s becoming a serious problem.
For a while I put my trust in her and ate what she made, as she made it clear she would exclude any form of dairy. But following every dinner at her house, I would be in serious pain. I began asking her and reminding her at every meal, and that seemed to annoy her.
Just last week, she made burgers, potatoes, corn on the cob and a salad.
She mixed cheese into the burgers, butter in the potatoes and on the corn, and ranch on the salad. For dessert, an ice cream cake (it was someone’s birthday). My fiancé lost it, he reiterated my dairy allergy and his mom goes ‘oh, right, well that really sucks’. I told my fiance to just eat and that I’d make something when we got home, he refused and told his mom that if she can’t respect a legit allergy (I don’t think she believes me), then we won’t be coming to dinner in the future.
Well, his mom first blamed me for ‘causing drama’ but after a few more discussions ultimately apologized and said she would take it seriously.
I’m at the point I don’t actually trust her. I generally like his family and I don’t want to be the barrier between my fiance and his mom having a relationship. I’m not really sure what to do at this point.
This is more of a vent but I’m open to advice.
ETA: thank you everyone for your comments and words of encouragement!
Yes, it could be a sensitivity/intolerance rather than an allergy. I’m really not sure what to call it. No, I haven’t been officially tested as I live in America and my health insurance sucks. All that I DO know is that it is the only thing in my regular diet that causes this inflammation and pain, and I would even say that it does cause damage to my body as why else would I be in this much pain.
I have tried bringing my own food, which tends to cause more drama. And yes, I know I can be a pushover. I have never been good at standing up for myself but it’s something I’m working on, thanks to my fiance. I envy all of the commenters who have a back bone lol.
As of right now, I’ll be eating before hand or afterwards, and simply refusing anything I didn’t see her make. I appreciate everyone’s advice!
ETA: to be clear, I’m not asking her to modify every dish to my needs. I’m not asking her to bend over backwards. Setting aside some potatoes before adding butter seems pretty simple in my opinion. Setting aside a plain corn on the cob, leaving cheese out of one burger. I really don’t care about the dessert either, if someone’s inviting me for dinner and insisting I attend, just have something I CAN EAT. My sister has even crazier sensitivities than I, and I’ve done this countless times for her.
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UPDATE!!
I want to thank everyone again for the support, words of encouragement and advice on getting tested for autoimmune disorders, that hadn’t even crossed my mind.
Sorry this post ended up so long, but I have an update some of you might find satisfying. His mom invited us over for an ‘apology dinner’ tonight.
She insisted she’d set portions aside without dairy before ‘finishing the dish’. I called BS immediately.
I made garlic parmesan pasta with grilled chicken and broccoli, yes all DF (dairy free, “fake cheese” if you will..) ingredients. I also brought lemon blueberry bread.
When we got there, she conveniently ‘forgot’ to set portions aside, so everything had dairy in it. She preps everything beforehand so I couldn’t interject to set things aside. And honestly unless I’m hovering over her in the kitchen and watching every move she makes, I really just don’t trust her food anymore.
I used some advice from the comments and just told her ‘oh don’t worry, I know how hard it can be for you, so I brought a dish’ and snagged the pasta and bread from my car. She didn’t say anything.
While my dish was warming up in the oven, I overheard FIL ask her ‘what the fuck are you doing’ - SHE WAS PUTTING BUTTER ON TOP OF MY PASTA. I simply told her that I had a feeling this might happen, and I had already set aside a portion for myself, and it’s waiting in my car for me. My fiance stepped in (he’s read through this post) and accused her of trying to poison me and sabotage our relationship, etc. He went on for nearly 10-15 minutes before she could get a single word in.
MIL collapsed and started hysterically crying. I honestly couldn’t understand a word she said. The entire family just sat there, in silence, staring at her. SIL, her daughter, was trying not to laugh. FIL basically dragged her into another room.
We ended up eating dinner without her, finished my entire pasta dish, and bread for dessert. Her food was left untouched. It was honestly the most pleasant dinner I’d had with his family. Lots of laughs and we played some card games afterwards with some wine.
We announced we’d love to have them over for dinner anytime, but that this would be the last time we’d be joining them and left.
While walking to our car, we overheard SIL and FIL arguing with MIL, FIL was threatening divorce. As dramatic as it sounds, I ended up crying on the way home, honestly I think it was more exhaustion and relief that it was over LOL. Fiance ended up taking me to my favorite arcade, we just got home.
This will probably be the last edit. She doesn’t have keys to our house, and we do have camera’s. This woman’s a nut job and we’re going no contact with MIL, and will stay in touch with FIL and SIL.
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u/gobsmacked247 Aug 05 '24
Your DH checked his mom. Good for him!! That’s half the battle won there.
Honestly OP, I would just stop going or just bring my own meal. There is no way she did not recall your allergy. She didn’t care. She just didn’t count on her son calling her on her shit. She’s back pedaling now but that won’t last.
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u/Brilliant_Report_358 Aug 05 '24
I was going to say the same about bringing her own meal, and then I’d say something to the MIL like “well I know it’s SO hard for you to make dishes dairy free so I wanted to take the burden off you and make it easier” with a super, sweet smile.
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u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 Aug 06 '24
But don't let it out of your sight.
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u/Misa7_2006 Aug 06 '24
Exact, who's to say she won't tamper with it, so you have a reaction, but since you brought it, then it can't be dairy causing it.
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u/vu47 Aug 06 '24
imagines MIL dusting off the plates with skim milk powder
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u/Misa7_2006 Aug 06 '24
I've seen a family member I didn't like make a box cake using peanut oil for a family member who is seriously allergic to peanuts when I was a kid. It could have ended very badly if I hadn't snitched. I hadn't realized it was for the family member's birthday as it had been two weeks before until she brought it out with candles on it and singing happy birthday to them. I said they can't eat it because it has peanuts in it. She said no, it doesn't. I made sure not to put any nuts in it. So I asked her, "You do know peanut oil is made from peanuts, right?" She then tried to say it wasn't. So I went and got the bottle out of the kitchen and said, " Ingredients: 100% Peanut Oil! Allergen warning: Made from peanuts." Oh, how pissed she got with me when family members started asking her what she was trying to pull. She then said she must have grabbed the wrong oil. And I said," funny because that was the only oil I saw in the pantry when went to get that one." A family member went and checked, nope, no other bottles of oil in there, and the peanut oil bottle was almost full, so it had to be a new one to boot. We all left and went home after that. No one ever ate a single thing she brought to family events after that.
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u/Grungeistheway Aug 06 '24
How old were you when you called her out? I know you said "a kid," but you had the wherewithal to know what was happening and probably saved that person's life. This grown woman sneaked and LIED and got upset with a kid for alerting everyone and calling her out!! 1st for the peanut oil and then for lying about her "mistake". I'd never have this woman alone around ANY food again! Good job!
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u/Misa7_2006 Aug 06 '24 edited Aug 06 '24
12 - 13 She was my uncle's bitchy wife. It was a cousin who had just turned 21. Uncle divorced her about a year or two after that, but none of us would touch any food she had anything to do with after that. No one trusted her not to poison us.
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u/SubstantialFigure273 Aug 06 '24
Yikes! Can’t imagine what would’ve happened if you hadn’t told on her…
Took him another year, but your uncle finally wisened up enough to leave!
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u/Picabo07 Aug 06 '24
I feel like that goes beyond bitchy. That’s basically homicidal. Thank God uncle divorced her or he might’ve ended up 💀
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u/waguavava Aug 06 '24
wow she wanted that birthday person to die on their birthday too.😶
and to make a cake 2 weeks before the event day? wow. just wow.
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u/Misa7_2006 Aug 06 '24
No, my cousin's birthday was two weeks before she made the cake. But my cousin got a lot of attention during it because hey a milestone birthday. Plus she was was my uncle's bitchy wife so not many of us kids liked her. I sure didn't. She was always mean to me and my brothers and sister growing up. Always blaming stuff on us, so we got in trouble a lot when she was around.
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u/mdm224 Aug 06 '24
So what you’re saying is she tried to kill her husband’s child with their own birthday cake? Jfc that’s some Machiavellian shit right there.
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u/string-ornothing Aug 06 '24
I'm allergic to peanuts like that, and I generally don't tell people. Not a lot of folks outside my immediate family know, and it's because of people like this.
Peanuts are really easy to avoid where I live in a world of restaurant allergen matrices and ingredient labels. It's not like dairy where its inclusion is sneaky- you can see peanuts or peanut butter right away. I have actually never accidentally ate a peanut. People don't go out of their way to hide it in food and they normally proudly advertise they fry in peanut oil because it's considered an expensive luxury.
BUT. As soon as some folks know about my allergy, they'll start testing it. I don't need to worry about blended peanuts in a normal cookie, but I sure do need to in the cookie my paternal grandma made after my mom told her to not feed me peanuts. I say I've never accidentally eaten peanuts, and that's not a lie. I have however had a peanut ingestion reaction twice: once when my grandma "tested" me, once when a COLLEGE bully (we were grown women!!) put an open bag of peanuts in my friends (also allergic) bag to trigger allergies in us both when we opened it and inhaled the dust. (No one else was with us when it happened, and it was kind of funny, now that I know we both lived. I yelled and threw the bag out the window and she started screaming her epipen was in there too, then I grabbed my two pack and stabbed us both)
People without allergies act like we should be telling everyone we're allergic all the time or we get what's coming to us, but fact is it's not safe. It's safer to keep it to yourself and be judicious about what you eat tbh.
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u/Stunning_Patience_78 Aug 06 '24
That's attempted murder. Hope someone pressed charges.
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u/Square-Swan2800 Aug 06 '24
Actually eat before you get there then bring grapes, apples and bananas to snack on while they eat ice cream. This worries me that she is doing this on purpose. If you choose to have children she could be a problem.
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u/Yahwehnker Aug 06 '24
“I know it’s just so hard for you to remember, so I just brought my own food.”
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u/hyrule_47 Aug 06 '24
“Which is understandable, given your age and everything”
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u/geologean Aug 06 '24
To obvious, try: "My great grandma had the same problem towards the end."
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u/Clever_Darling Aug 06 '24
Leave nursing home and dementia brochures around for her.
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u/ksarahsarah27 Aug 06 '24
Or- “I feel bad for making everyone abstain from dairy just for me, which is obviously something you really enjoy. So I’ll just bring my own food from now on and that way everyone is happy.”
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u/Yahwehnker Aug 06 '24
I guess diplomatically is one way to handle it, but I feel like MIL is deliberately pushing boundaries here.
I remember a post here years ago about a women who was allergic to mushrooms whose MIL did the same thing every time she went over for dinner, and her allergy was deadly, if I remember it right.
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u/Wattaday Aug 06 '24
She even used powdered mushrooms so the DIL wouldn’t see cut up mushrooms in the dishes!!!
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u/cablemonkey604 Aug 06 '24
Allergen 'testing' is apparently common in narcissists. They can't imagine anything outside of their own experience and need to challenge and 'prove' to people that their allergies are all in their heads by deliberately feeding them things they're allergic to.
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u/IHaveSomeOpinions09 Aug 06 '24
I’m petty, so I would also one-up the menu each time. Having cheesy burgers on the grill? I’ll bring steak for me. Ice cream cake for the birthday boy? That’s great for him! No need to get me anything, I brought my own dairy-free cupcake from the fancy new cupcake place downtown.
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u/pandorahoops Aug 06 '24
She's not trying to make everyone abstain. She's observing that this woman is going out of her way to add dairy to every single thing and getting angry when OP brings her own food.
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u/ComeFunzioma Aug 06 '24
Yess! But find something everyone else would love (sushi? Charcuterie board etc.) and bring a big plate and share with everyone… even better start hosting yourself! Take back the power
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u/haleorshine Aug 06 '24
Even better if OP can cook something that people love, because MIL sounds likely to get jealous if the thing OP makes gets compliments and people really like it. Sometimes people get weirdly like "Things without meat or dairy just can never taste as good as things with. I just can't make nice food without dairy" (don't get me wrong, I find butter can really add to a dish, but if somebody can't or won't eat dairy, you can easily make tasty meals without dairy).
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u/Icy_Natural_979 Aug 06 '24
My stepmom is like this lady and she was pissed when I tried bringing over my own food. People think I’m crazy she’s trying to make me sick.
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u/disobedientTiger Aug 06 '24
MIL remembered. MIL is just testing OP... To prove it isnt an allergy.
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u/top_value7293 Aug 06 '24
So many hateful people do this. Like they don’t believe in allergies until it actually kills someone
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u/TsuDhoNimh2 Aug 06 '24
I’d say something to the MIL like “well I know it’s SO hard for you to make dishes dairy free so I wanted to take the burden off you and make it easier”
That is so beautifully aggressively polite. In one sentence you call her a shitty cook, a slow learner and incompetent.
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u/Practical_Hour1399 Aug 06 '24
Exactly what I would say too. Sounds like she doesn’t believe food allergies exist.
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u/Misa7_2006 Aug 06 '24
Or back in her day, they didn't realize it was allergies, which was making people sick or killing them.
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u/Lady_Grey_Smith Aug 06 '24
Or that she doesn’t care and wants to make OP suffer.
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u/NoTeacher9563 Aug 06 '24
Yes this right here! "I didn't want to put you out since it's so hard to accommodate, don't want you to worry about me not feeling well." Love it!
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u/FinsnFerns Aug 06 '24
Yes! This is definitely the way to go about it.
Also side note, mixing cheese directly in the burger meat itself is just diabolical. This woman's out to get her lol. Good on the husband for not standing for it! I was happy to read that part at least.
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u/Radiant_Ad_6565 Aug 06 '24
This women is definitely out to get her. I have a grandchild that is lactose intolerant. It’s seriously not that hard to make burgers and leave the cheese off one, leave the Parmesan off his spaghetti and ravioli, use dairy free spread in place of butter, etc. I even spring for a half gallon of almond milk , non dairy “ ice cream” , and non dairy “ cheese “ shreds when he comes to spend the weekend, so he can enjoy chocolate milk, ice cream , and homemade pizza just like his brothers and cousin.
And fyi- not only is putting cheese IN the burgers diabolical, who pre butters corn on the cob?? We’ve always cooked it, and people butter and season it to taste themselves.
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u/After-Land1179 Aug 06 '24
My ex partner was intolerant to beef, like really intolerant- I was making burgers from scratch from a recipe book which included lamb and beef mince but I went through a whole process of keeping a section of the lamb completely away from the beef/lamb mix, cooking his first in the frying pan etc. it’s not that hard and the fact this MIL is just hellbent on “forgetting” every time and making exclusively dairy meals is just shitty.
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u/computer-machine Aug 06 '24
I've mixed parmesian into burgers before, but first made a separate batch in separate baggies for my mother (with an actual allergy).
And picked up a few boxes of oatmilk chocolate bars so she can still have s'mores/banana boats.
And use olive oil in foods.
It's really rather simple.
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u/Themurlocking96 Aug 06 '24
I honestly wouldn’t overplay it, I would make it sound genuine, because that is way more insulting to them, I’ve dealt with similar people before, as a friend of mine has a nut allergy, and routinely experienced stuff like this, and I help stand up for them.
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u/Floomby Aug 06 '24
Why even go there at all? If OP doesn't eat MIL's dishes, they will receive a raft of shit for it and MIL will play the victim. This woman has lost the privilege of having a relationship with you.
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u/Disney_Princess137 Aug 06 '24
And then bring extra for people , and have them love yours lol
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u/DevoidSauce Aug 06 '24
This is the most savage revenge. Make a dairy free dish that everyone cannot stop eating. If she loves it, bonus.
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u/maroongrad Aug 06 '24
"Mom, we didn't really want to say this. But we've told you and told you and told you that you can't use dairy, and you just can't seem to remember. I know old people get forgetful and you get very set it your ways. After so many many years of making potatoes the same way, for example, you just do it by rote and added to your memory problems, well. We aren't mad at you Mom, we understand. You can't help it. But I think we'd all be happier if we just, well, let you cook the way you have for your whole life and bring our own food."
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u/Silver_Leonid2019 Aug 06 '24
And if you’re from the south (US) add “bless your heart” at the end lol.
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u/On_my_last_spoon Aug 05 '24
You are correct, and I’d actually say it’s more than not caring. She mixed cheese into the burgers. That’s not just “forgetting” that full on hostile!
OP you are not the reason your fiancé might stop talking to his mother. She is the reason
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u/Celladoore Aug 06 '24
There is zero reason to mix the cheese in, other than making sure there wasn't a single thing OP could eat.
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u/OrigRayofSunshine Aug 06 '24
She’s doing it on purpose. I’m willing to bet she’s from a generation that didn’t have things like food allergies, or if we did, we put up or shut up. They don’t believe these allergies are real, let alone deadly in some cases. To push the point, they’ll “challenge” the person. My mother pulled that crap and between that and a ton of other narcissistic control issues, she’s no longer part of our family. FAFO isn’t something I’m willing to try and good on OPs partner for coming to her defense.
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u/Celladoore Aug 06 '24
I'll never forget the absolutely horrifying story on Reddit about a woman's MIL who didn't believe her grandbaby had a coconut allergy and used coconut oil on her hair and well... It ended with the ultimate consequence. The extreme narcissism of taking someone else's health and even life in their hands because they need to be right is beyond insanity.
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u/AprilisAwesome-o Aug 06 '24
That was her own freaking mother, not her MIL. That story lives rent free in my head.
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u/Celladoore Aug 06 '24
Jesus Christ. Maybe my brain just filled in MIL to protect itself or because I remember it from the justnomil subreddit I think. I can't imagine, your own mother... Easily one of the worst things I've read on Reddit, and that list is extensive.
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u/SerephelleDawn Aug 06 '24
This kind of shit is why I won’t let my mother around my kid. Not due to allergies but she could kill him due to negligence and still act like she did nothing wrong.
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u/OrigRayofSunshine Aug 06 '24
They will poke the bear as far as they can get away with doing so. You have to have some vein of evil in you to keep pushing after knowingly seeing the fallout. It’s like they want to watch the train go off the rails out of morbid curiosity.
When you dig in your heels and say “no” you are then guilt tripped through some mental gymnastics that put them out as a victim because they spent all day on dinner or whatever. When it goes further because they refuse to accommodate but you’ve adjusted by hiding a protein shake or bringing a salad as sort of a potluck offering, you’re the villain.
I’ve been through this enough in my own family and with in-laws. They have some weird crap about tomatoes where none of them will eat raw tomatoes, so I will eat them like apples just for paybacks. And I like tomatoes and have no reactions.
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u/fribble13 Aug 06 '24
Yes - my friend will often get like "fancy burgers" from the butcher when she hosts bbqs, but she always gets plain as well as the spicy ones, the various different cheese ones, the bacon ones, etc etc etc. They're always LABELED so there's no confusion because some people can't eat dairy, keep kosher, have low spice tolerance, don't like Bleu cheese, whatever. There's nothing wrong with kicking burgers up a notch, but even if you make them from scratch, there's ZERO reason to make all of them like that.
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u/Fantastic_Read_9651 Aug 05 '24
I did try bringing my own food a few times but it ended up being a bigger battle than it was worth. She would get very emotional because I’d refuse to eat her food.
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u/diewitasmile Aug 05 '24
She’s doing it on purpose and using food as a way to hurt you. Start bring food again and when she gets emotional just explain why you can’t trust her.
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u/stolenfires Aug 05 '24
Or just kill her with kindness. "MIL, you're such a good cook, and you seem to really like dairy. It'd be a shame for other people to not eat the dishes you clearly love making. I don't want to put you out, at all, so I'll just eat my dairy-less meal with the rest of you."
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u/dinahdog Aug 05 '24
You forgot, "Bless your heart"
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u/Dogzillas_Mom Aug 06 '24
Quick question to Gen Z: Does “I love that for you” have the same snarky connotation as “Bless your heart?” Or is that meant sincerely?
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u/fleurdumal1111 Aug 06 '24
It can. Saying, “If you like it, I love it” the….for you is implied. So it can mean I think that’s stupid, but if you like it good for you because it doesn’t apply to me.
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u/AskAJedi Aug 06 '24
But I wouldn’t let MIL get away with acting like it’s hard to not cook with dairy. Thats BS. Oils exist and people can add cheese or butter after. That is a totally normal thing to do.
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u/autotuned_voicemails Aug 06 '24
people can add cheese or butter after.
That’s what I was thinking. Butter and/or milk/cream in the potatoes (assuming mashed potatoes), I can kind of understand because in my experience they get gluey without some sort of fat added in. Not sure about adding some sort of oil or non-dairy milk, I mean I’m sure it would work as this isn’t an uncommon allergy so people definitely do it all the time, I’ve just never personally done it.
The cheese mixed into the burgers is what got me though. Every single cookout I’ve ever attended in my entire life has had like 1/3-1/2 the people requesting no cheese on their burgers…I mean hell, I used to work at a pizza shop that was locally famous for their burgers (the owner really wanted to open a 5Guys but couldn’t get approved for a franchise, so he opened a pizza shop that did a really good burger instead lol) and even there it was like half the orders were for no cheese—so it’s not just a “my circle of people” thing. Sometimes even people who really love cheese don’t like it on their burgers. So it seems really strange to just mix it in and not give anyone a choice on the matter at all.
Of course, pre-buttering the corn and pre-dressing the salad is weird af too. I’m assuming it was corn on the cob, and I always thought that people just buttered that themselves because butter on corn is a “to taste” ingredient. Same with the salad dressing. Even restaurants don’t dress your salad for you anymore!
Obviously OP is getting shafted the worst with MIL’s cooking, but she’s doing the rest of the family dirty too. Not even giving them the autonomy of salad dressing or cheese/no cheese choices.
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u/SuperCulture9114 Aug 06 '24
The cheese mixed into the burgers is what got me though.
Yepp, seems pretty intentional to me.
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u/Volundr79 Aug 06 '24
No, no, you act like she's just too simple to comprehend cooking any other way, and now we finally understand, so she's free to follow the recipe exactly as written, with no creativity or interpretation at all!
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u/suer72cutlass Aug 06 '24
Especially because MIL hid the cheese in the burger patties so if you'd ask for one with no cheese (on top) you'd still be getting cheese. Who TF does that?
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u/SnacksandViolets Aug 06 '24
She thinks she slick, if OP decides to have children, she’s going to kill them if they have severe allergies
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Aug 06 '24
Yep, and if she turns on the water works for emotional manipulation, just be like "I'm going to give you some time to collect yourself so we can talk about how much you "forgetting" my dairy intolerance harms me like adults.".
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u/Fit_Adeptness5606 Aug 06 '24
Something with a perfectly even adult voice. "I don't understand why you're so emotional. You're not gonna cry or anything, are you? Get a grip. My stomach. My business,"
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u/Ok-FineUlost Aug 06 '24
Nah Im with her fiance. At this point she’s just not trustworthy and I’m not coming around if the goal is to make my SO uncomfortable. My mom pulls something like this with my fiance and she’s damn near cut off. And she knows it.
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u/JustBid5821 Aug 06 '24
Reminds me of the story of the girl who was allergic to mushrooms (anaphylactic allergic) and the mil put mushroom powder in every dish. Allergies are allergies people.
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u/EmphasisFew Aug 05 '24
No she got emotional because she is a manipulative harpy. Let her get emotional.
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u/gobsmacked247 Aug 05 '24
So, you made her feelings a priority while discounting your health? What does your mom think about your MIL’s culinary attack???
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u/ComprehensivePut5569 Aug 05 '24
Tell her you get very emotional when she intentionally tries to make you ill.
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u/alannabologna Aug 05 '24
She was emotional because she wasn’t allowed to poison you?
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u/SweetWaterfall0579 Aug 06 '24
How malicious these people are! To prove, what?
If I’ve never heard of that in my life, it cannot possibly exist. Pfft.
Milk hurts her back?
Butter is going to make her writhe in pain? Oh bullshit.
Are you kidding me? I serve her dairy every single time! She hasn’t died *yet, has she?
It’s all in her head. She’s a little cookoowoowoo, I see.
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u/PdxPhoenixActual Aug 06 '24
"Just who do you think you are? Telling me I can't continue to abuse you. Well, I never!"
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u/Jumpy_Willingness707 Aug 05 '24
If that happens again, I would just tell your fiancé that you’re not comfortable going there for dinner anymore because she doesn’t respect your health issues and then tries to force you to eat things that could harm you
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u/Fresh_Lingonberry279 Aug 06 '24
In my opinion, that's exactly what mom wants. She just thinks her son will go alone.
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u/Sequann Aug 06 '24
I have a dairy intolerance/allergy similar to the OP and a SIL who also insists on putting dairy in lots of dishes. I now refuse to eat at their house. She tells me that I’m making it all about me and being a difficult person. It’s about power and if the OP doesn’t show up the MIL has no power over here.
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u/PdxPhoenixActual Aug 06 '24
"Well dear, I have to put my health first, as you clearly don't give a shit!"
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u/KPinCVG Aug 05 '24
Your fiance is willing to go to bat for you, which is at least half of the battle.
If you ever eat there again, you need to establish a very clear boundary, it sounds like they do things as a family and that overall you like the family. So I would suggest the boundary is if this food makes her sick, then XX is off the table.
"Mom, we're coming for dinner this weekend, you know that OP has dairy allergy/sensitivity. If she gets sick after eating at your house, no matter what you say or claim, we won't be having Thanksgiving at your house. I don't care if we have to eat TV dinners while watching a Yule log on TV.
If you'd like some menu suggestions, let us know."
Boundaries are important. You can't make people do things. However, you can very clearly tell them what you will do if they cross the boundary. They have the freedom to decide whether to cross or not. Just as you have the freedom to put them on a timeout that lasts through Labor Day, Halloween, somebody's birthday, Thanksgiving, or Christmas.
Choose a boundary you can stick to with a punishment you're able to enforce. Don't be one of those people who says if you do something "I'm going to ground you for the rest of your life". It didn't work when we were kids and it doesn't work on adults.
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u/rsc999 Aug 06 '24
A thousand times yes on setting boundaries. No matter how hard it is, to continue contact, you must be able to set and maintain these. Pick the issues that are important enough to make a stand, then do it.
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u/AssistantAccurate464 Aug 05 '24
Of course you refused! She’s poisoning you! Take a dish anyway and make it clear it’s not worth it getting sick because she “forgets” to not add dairy. You are under reacting to this situation!
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u/mcmurrml Aug 05 '24
You can't worry about that!! She is making you sick! She knows what she is doing. Why the hell would you care about her feelings and she doesn't care about you getting sick?
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u/GalianoGirl Aug 05 '24
Who cares if she gets upset that you will not eat food prepared with ingredients that make you sick?
Stand up to her abuse.
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u/-THEONLY-BoneyIsland Aug 05 '24
So you'd rather let her poison you than hurt her feelings? Because that's what she's doing, poisoning you. There are places where she could go to jail for doing this.
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u/MarcusXL Aug 05 '24
Vote with your feet. Stop going altogether. Period. End of story.
You're dealing with an abusive person and she doesn't deserve your presence.
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u/616Runner Aug 05 '24
Ask your MIL if her food is more important than your health. Make her say it for the record
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u/Top_Put1541 Aug 05 '24
She would get very emotional because I’d refuse to eat her food.
Well, she has a proven record of being thoughtless and untrustworthy about her guests' physical health. You can't blame the guests for not wanting to pass out in pain after one of her meals.
Your MIL created her own problem: She has demonstrated that she will hurt you with her cooking. There is no redemption or "proving she's good" with future meals. She has shown she does not have the privilege of feeding you.
Too bad if she feels emotional about living with the consequences of her past choices to harm you.
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u/Glazing555 Aug 05 '24
Just stop going. You decline directly to your MIL but make it clear your fiancé can go, and tell him the same. Let it be known if she disregards your allergy issues you can be independent in decision making. The message will come through loud and clear when he declines, or goes and sits through dinner by himself.
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u/Known-Quantity2021 Aug 05 '24
Then maybe she needs to dry her tears and make food that you can safely eat. Serving you a meal that has every dish containing your allergen is mean and spiteful.
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 Aug 06 '24 edited Aug 06 '24
Sorry. Not for love or money would I eat food that she prepared. Bring your own meal to her place, and if you set it aside, keep your eyes on it.
She has shown who she is. Believe her.
She has lost any and all consideration about being upset that you no longer will eat what she cooks. Tough cannolies. ( spelling probably incorrect) She deserves to never see either of them again.
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u/SituationEasy179 Aug 05 '24
Now this is ridiculous from your MIL. I suggested bringing your own food in my comment elsewhere. She cannot object to that if she's not going to accommodate your dietary needs. Ludicrous.
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u/pasajo17 Aug 06 '24
A person like that is liable to add ingredients to your brought from home dishes when she thinks no one is looking.
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u/Goodness_Gracious7 Aug 05 '24
"You have poisoned me 15 times (or whatever number), I refuse to be poisoned again. Either I eat my own food or I'm never coming over again."
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u/CeruleanMoon9 Aug 06 '24
Have husband say it - “If you make one more comment about her bringing her own meal, WE’LL never come for a meal again”. And neither will children if you have them now or plan to in the future.
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u/mildlysceptical22 Aug 05 '24
Tough. She’s intentionally poisoning you. Bring your own food or stop going to this awful person’s house.
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u/lilgreengoddess Aug 05 '24
Too bad. She’s intentionally poisoning you with an allergen. I wouldn’t eat anything she makes ever again. at this point it’s intentional. Demand you bring your own food or you’re not going anymore. Do not let someone treat you this way.
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u/Chemical_World_4228 Aug 05 '24
Doesn't matter. Just keep taking your own food and if she says one word have your fiance’ tell her it's that or you guys won't be back for any family dinners
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u/hamster004 Aug 05 '24
Let her get emotional. Let her do her temper tantrums. It shows how immature and childish she really is.
Bring your own food. Your life is more important than her mood swings.
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u/Lulupoolzilla Aug 06 '24
"well MIL if you didn't poison me every time I eat your food I wouldn't have to bring my own"
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u/JacketDapper944 Aug 05 '24
I agree. You should only have to hear once someone’s allergies, especially someone joining your family. I know some people don’t “believe” in food allergies, or that they’re being a hypochondriac, but Jesus why does that matter? If your meal is dependent on an ingredient someone cannot have either ask for suggestions for alternatives they might enjoy or leave the ingredient off some portion. Hell, even if they have a self-imposed dietary preference it’s just the polite thing to try to accommodate the preference with dish choices, and to ask questions if you’re not sure.
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u/AssistantAccurate464 Aug 05 '24
Definitely I would have started bringing a dish after the first time. She sounds like a narcissist. Who TF tries to make someone sick and appears to get pleasure from it. If your before is a supportive partner, he’ll tell his mother she won’t be seeing either of you until she stops. One meal where she doesn’t notify you both, and NC. What a horrible person she is. So sorry!!
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u/Raerae1360 Aug 05 '24
My son is dating a young woman who I pray will be my daughter-in-law. I absolutely love her. She is allergic to anything with capsaicin. So I thought that just meant chili peppers. She thought that as well. She said she made stuffed bell peppers one year and ended up in the ER. She also has sensitivity to night shade vegetables. Tomato has to be cooked not raw. Potatoes in small amounts. I am a Mexican food junkie. I never cook that way anymore at all. She is way too important to me to risk a visit to the ER. Even my Hungarian guolash with paprika is a no no. I always ask. I'm so sorry your mother-in-law does it feel the same way.
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u/hstephens1 Aug 06 '24
My mother in law is like you. We have an awesome relationship and my partner loves it. Whenever I read posts like this I thank my lucky stars and wonder how people can be so awful to family.
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u/New_Palpitation_5473 Aug 06 '24
So bell peppers have zero capsaicin due to a recessive gene. They literally don't have the genetics to make it. They are however nightshades.
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u/Raerae1360 Aug 06 '24
And that's how they discovered it was nightshade that was the main culprit. Just weird.
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u/thatgirlshaun Aug 05 '24
She mixed cheese INTO the burgers? Just, why. She also could have left OFF the damn butter and ranch or set some aside for you. Honestly, this is sounding pretty twisted.
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u/GlitterbugRayRay Aug 05 '24
Right? Like very much on purpose and then blatantly blowing it off.
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u/Flat_Raspberry_6255 Aug 06 '24
Yes for real. She made it so that no matter what OP ate, she would eat dairy. Impossible not to. Either she wants to cause her harm or thinks she’s a bullshitter and wants to call bluff. I wouldn’t go anymore to MIL if I were OP. Either way it’s not someone who loves OP.
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u/SeriousLark Aug 06 '24
This really has the flavor of the MIL ‘not believing in’ OP’s dairy intolerance and wanting to prove it. Why else is she insisting that OP not bring her own food, and yet mixing in dairy in everything she serves? It’s common practice to let people with specific dietary issues supply their own food if they want.
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u/AprilUnderwater0 Aug 06 '24
I get ‘not believing’ dietary requirements, but acting on that belief is just beyond the pale.
I worked for a while as a kinda private cook/chef at a small all inclusive hotel. In 2016, when self-diagnosed dairy ‘intolerance’ became the new trend (you know, people cut dairy out of their diet and magically lose weight - because they are also paying go attention to eating well - and attribute the dairy to their previous bloating) in a post-gluten-free world. Yeah, given the sudden influx of dairy-free guests, I ‘didn’t believe’ most of them had a genuine dietary requirement.
You know what I didn’t fucking do? Feed any of them dairy! And I learned real fast some amazing ways to make things without dairy (including this awesome chocolate tart with olive oil pastry and a filling that was basically a sticky toffee sauce with cocoa powder).
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u/JacketIndependent Aug 06 '24
Definitely doesn't like OP. My sons gf of a few months doesn't eat pork, so I started buying turkey bacon and beef sausage specifically for her. Yeah, it's more expensive, but I'm not gonna let her watch him eat while she starves. It's rude and inconsiderate af.
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u/EmphasisFew Aug 05 '24
It’s obviously on purpose and OP is basically allowing it by tiptoeing around this horrible person’s fee fees.
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u/WhoKnows1973 Aug 05 '24
Absolutely. And goes back for more abuse/poisoning every 6 weeks. Why?
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u/thatgirlshaun Aug 05 '24
In-law dynamics and family shit in general can just suck. I feel like the OP is trying to give the MIL a chance but this is too many chances.
Anyone else suspect this is the MIL’s only son?
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u/Viperbunny Aug 06 '24
Because she wants to accepted into the family and she has convinced herself people aren't that cruel. OP seems like a kind person who wants to believe the mil just doesn't understand. It's hard to stand up for yourself when you are taught to be polite and women are often taught to be polite at the cost of their own safety. She didn't want to make a big deal about it and get more attention for the issue. It's why the mil feels she can get away with it.
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u/alittlefaith530 Aug 06 '24
Seriously! Any time I’ve ever had corn on the cob it’s been put on your own butter. Burgers? You’re asked if you want cheese on it. Salad? It’s not mixed and there’s dressing on the side (unless my mom makes it and know everyone there likes the dressing she used. But even then she will leave some in the fridge without any dressing) The mom went way out of her way to ensure OP couldn’t eat.
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u/PollyPurple84 Aug 05 '24
It was the cheese into the burgers for me too. What the actual f*ck? No one does that. She is a nut job.
OP- i wouldn't trust her either!
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u/Zukazuk Aug 06 '24
I make these jalapeno popper burgers that have cream cheese mixed in, but it's not hard to set aside a burger's worth of ground beef from the mix for someone dairy free to eat.
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u/Jack_of_Spades Aug 05 '24
It might have been a juicy lucy.
But also, she is absolutely doing this on purpose.
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u/crlynstll Aug 06 '24
The MIL is full on psycho. There was no reason to add any dairy to this meal. The menu is fine. It’s the crazy that was added.
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u/Spiritual-Vanilla-39 Aug 05 '24 edited Aug 06 '24
First off, stop going. Tell her flat out that she's a medical hazard to you and you can't trust her.
Second, kudos to your man for backing you! Sad that it's so rare but you have a good one!!!
Third, my condolences on the death of your relationship with cheese. I'll eat some this afternoon and think of you.
Edit: My comment on the husband standing up for his wife being "so rare" is primarily aimed at relationships posted on this site and at relationships in my own culture. It is NOT my view of relationships globally. Apparently I need to add this because certain accounts weren't able to understand this. 🤣
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u/Ok-CANACHK Aug 05 '24
and butter, I'd have to sit shiva
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u/Spiritual-Vanilla-39 Aug 05 '24
I'll have to add potatoes. I can't eat straight up cheese and butter.
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u/RadioSupply Aug 05 '24
It’s great that he checked her, but you’ve been through enough. That sounds like autoimmune issues, and if you fuck with those it can kill you.
Her wilful ignorance and desire to be in the right all the time is killing you. Your body is inflamed and you are in pain. There’s tissue damage happening. Joint inflammation. You’re missing work and have no quality of life for what?
Don’t eat her food. Grey rock her and don’t eat. In a pleasant tone, “No thanks, Sylvia.” If she asks why not, just smile and keep passing the dishes. Let your husband reiterate that you are allergic to dairy. If she insists there is none, “My doctors have insisted on a treatment plan, and that is only to eat food I have prepared at home. Thank you, Sylvia, I already ate.”
If she throws a fit, ask your husband if he’s finished eating, and this can be your pre-agreed cue to leave. He can wipe his lips, thank his mother for dinner, excuse you both, and you can leave. Let her behave how she’s going to. Stop wrecking your life for this asshole.
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u/Hour-Requirement6489 Aug 06 '24
That sounds like autoimmune issues, and if you fuck with those it can kill you.
THANK YOU!!
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u/taumason Aug 06 '24
Yeah all the reddit DRs calling it an intolerance were infuriating. If you have such a strong reaction you need to be hospitalized its either a BAD allergy or autoimune.
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u/Ingenuiie Aug 06 '24
This was my thought too... OP please get your ANA levels tested just in case. Autoimmune stuff can cause a lot of allergy like symptoms and if it's lasting a WHOLE WEEK plus for each incident I would put my money on it being more than allergy. (I have both with very different food sets and allergies should be RELIABLY over before day 3-4).
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u/MamaMoosicorn Aug 06 '24
To those that don’t know, there’s no real way to test for food intolerances, which is what it sounds like OP has (it’s not an allergy, op).
It’s definitely an auto immune issue, but there’s not much you can do about it. I haven’t been able to even get a diagnosis of anything. They just tell me not to eat the foods that bother me. It sucks, I know. I get real bad joint pain all over when I eat gluten and sunflower. My joints can swell so bad that it mildly cuts circulation in my limbs!
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u/That1GirlUKnow111 Aug 05 '24
Seems like a weird and intentional thing MIL is doing... is this the only weird or passive agressive thing she does to you?
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u/Fantastic_Read_9651 Aug 05 '24
Unfortunately not. She’s very judgmental. She 100% believes in gender roles and has made comments about the ‘cleanliness’ of our house, or how she would have been done with the renovations by now, etc No, our house isn’t spotless but I do take pride in keeping it generally clean and free of clutter. We live on an old farm and have an apple orchard and fields to maintain.. so yes dirt gets tracked in every single day all day.
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u/That1GirlUKnow111 Aug 05 '24
Girl, you don't need to defend yourself on the cleanliness of your home.
She sounds like a nightmare. Your husband seems like he is seeing it too, and he stood up for you. I think you and him should come up with some boundaries and ideas for dealing with her as a team.
Also, she purposely gave you food with ingredients you made clear can hurt you. Please take that red flag seriously, and just don't eat her food ever. (If she gets mad just remind her why lol. Parents like this are best off treated like a toddler.)
Good luck OP 👍 💓 ✨️
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u/Jumpy_Willingness707 Aug 05 '24
She accused you of creating drama when there was dairy in the food… That seems pretty intentional
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u/Capital-Designer-385 Aug 05 '24
Oof…bashing someone’s cleanliness is pretty high and mighty for a woman who’s intentionally cross-contaminating food. How embarrassing for her.
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u/MarcusXL Aug 05 '24
I feel like r/ raisedbynarcissists/ would be a support group for you and your husband.
Long story short, you should go "no contact" or "low contact" with your MIL. No more dinner parties, no more social calls, no more keeping her informed of your life. You will be so much happier when you cut her negativity out of your life.
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u/Top_Put1541 Aug 05 '24
If she doesn't like how you keep your house, she doesn't need to be invited to visit. It sounds like she's both a poor hostess and a rude guest.
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u/Kip_Schtum Aug 05 '24
If she’s knowingly, putting something that harms you in the food, she’s poisoning you. That’s a crime. Treat it with the seriousness it deserves.
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u/BurritoCatsChristmas Aug 05 '24
And send her any medical bills that you may need during those times. My EPI pen is not cheap, if someone did that to me- I would be sending them an itemized bill. Keep us posted.
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u/Hour-Requirement6489 Aug 05 '24
she’s poisoning you. That’s a crime. Treat it with the seriousness it deserves.
Love the ableist remarks that OP is "dramatic" when this allergen literally TAKES HER MOBILITY and has costed her vacations, time off SHE EARNED, AND HER HEALTH. A disability ACTUALLY BEING DISABLING?!?! WHO'D HAVE THUNK IT?!?! 💀🙄
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u/tauredi Aug 06 '24
Reading your comment makes me feel better about my own disability. Thank you for being an ally.
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u/chachingmaster Aug 05 '24 edited Aug 05 '24
A lot of old-school people don’t think that food sensitivity is a thing. They think it’s all in your head. I don’t know whether or not she’s purposely doing it or she just thinks it’s no big deal but it is what it is-so if you’re not watching her make the food I would not eat it.
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u/Fantastic_Read_9651 Aug 05 '24
I’ve noticed this. My dad doesn’t believe in my dairy allergy either. He thinks it’s a ‘woke’ kind of mindset.
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u/JoanMalone11074 Aug 05 '24
I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis when I was 40. By trial and error, I discovered that gluten is a huge trigger for RA flare-ups that would render me useless for days due to excruciating and constant throbbing pain in all my joints. So I have to completely avoid it along with taking medications. It’s completely possible to have autoimmune issues be caused/exacerbated by certain food proteins. Fortunately my parents understand this, but my sister-in-law definitely treats me like I’m making it up. Listen, I’ll gladly give up gluten i order just to function, but damn, I sure do get irritated by people who think I’m being “trendy” with my gluten free diet. Like girl, I’d much rather be able to eat real bread, ffs!
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u/chachingmaster Aug 05 '24
This is something so many people don’t realize. Even my daughter now who I went gluten-free with when she was about three because the food she was eating was making her behave like a child with ASD. I removed all gluten from her diet after doing an Elisa test. It took a long while to get used to. But it worked. Her behavior changed significantly. She is 18 now and thinks that gluten doesn’t bother her anymore because she doesn’t get sick or shit blood. But it definitely still makes her very irritable, and body aches. And there’s nothing I can say or do to change it because according to her I don’t know anything. lol I hope she learns.
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u/JoanMalone11074 Aug 06 '24
My 19 yo daughter also thinks I don’t know anything about anything (until she needs my help with something, of course). I’m glad the gluten free diet worked for your daughter though! When she gets older she’ll realize it feels a lot better not to have to feel so gross all the time, even if it means a few sacrifices.
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u/chachingmaster Aug 06 '24
That’s the old saying right? Move out when you’re 18 while you still know everything. 😝
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u/Chad-Chad8577Chad Aug 06 '24
Ugh my dad is like this. I developed an allergy to peanuts about ten years ago, a very severe allergy to peanuts.
Each time allergies come in up in any sense, he goes on a tirade about how people with allergies are just weak humans and we shouldn't have to accommodate for them. I then have to remind him of my peanut allergy and he acts like he's never been told about it
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u/Fantastic_Read_9651 Aug 06 '24
I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I can unfortunately relate as he does the same thing. Orders pizza at every family gathering and is flabbergasted that I refuse to eat it.
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u/chachingmaster Aug 05 '24 edited Aug 05 '24
There is a difference between an allergy and a sensitivity. An allergy can cause significant damage to your body, including but not limited to anaphylactic shock. A sensitivity causes discomfort and inflammation. My daughter is not a celiac, but if she eats gluten, especially more than one day in a row, she kinda turns into a monster. so we limit gluten foods. My cousin is a celiac. If she eats gluten, she shits blood. It sounds like you have a sensitivity, but sensitivities can develop into allergies. Take care of you. Know what you’re consuming. Best wishes with the MIL 🤮
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u/Fantastic_Read_9651 Aug 05 '24
I agree, it sounds more like a sensitivity. I think I began calling it an allergy so people would take it more seriously.. lol
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u/AnnTipathy Aug 06 '24
I straight up make eye contact when I tell people that I shit blood when I eat dairy. It makes them remember and I don't get a lot of follow-up questions.
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u/Punkinsmom Aug 05 '24
I can't understand why people do this. I am very proud of my cooking skills and I want everyone to be able to eat at my table (or when I bring stuff places). I ASK about restrictions when I feed people and I have learned how to cook a lot of vegetarian, vegan, gluten free, dairy free, sugar free etc. dishes so people can eat without fear.
I would be devasted if someone got ill from my food because I didn't follow a restriction properly. Shoot - we had a family reunion recently with a new niece in law who has a number of allergies so I sent her every recipe I had panned for her weeks before so she would be able to enjoy the food and togetherness with the rest of the family.
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u/Fantastic_Read_9651 Aug 05 '24
You, my dear, are an ANGEL. I’m the same way, probably because I understand what it’s like to not be able to enjoy the same food as everyone else.
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u/Punkinsmom Aug 05 '24
There are also things I can't eat - not allergies but digestive issues. I think it might be because I was raised by a family that fed everyone. It's a thing with us. It's also selfish because people praising my cooking makes me glow with pride.
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u/Able_Cat2893 Aug 05 '24
Take your own food and still go. Tell her you understand she “forgets” so you are trying to make it easier on her.
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u/Capital-Designer-385 Aug 05 '24
Maybe I’m petty, but I’d so want to ham this part up! 🤭. “mil I KNOW you’ve been struggling with memory issues lately. Don’t worry, it happens to LOTS of people as they get up in age like yourself. Let’s just order out for dinner so you dont have to stress”. Kill two birds by getting a safe meal and making your point.
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u/Physical_Stress_5683 Aug 06 '24
Don’t even go to her with it, email the family and say this is a sign of advancing memory loss and have them all check in on her.
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u/JustAnotherSaddy Aug 05 '24
Good for your SO and his spine! It’s rare in the Reddit world. Honestly at this point she is definitely doing it deliberately. Most likely because she doesn’t like you.
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u/99natas Aug 05 '24
My niece is allergic to dairy. She stayed with me for several years, there was nothing dairy in the house.
Her mom and her grandma ? Oh I made shrimp Alfredo pasta etc. Milk and cheese and butter everywhere. It’s not that complicated if you care, they do it on purpose.
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u/roundbluehappy Aug 05 '24
Hey - let your SO stand up for you, he knows her nastiness better. Don't worry about his relationship with his family, that's his responsibility, not yours. Let him be an adult.
ETA: Not saying this to be mean. Our reaction as women in this society is to downplay when others hurt us and it's really hard to shake that conditioning. Let him stand up!
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u/Fredredphooey Aug 05 '24
Don't go there for dinner or eat anything she has touched ever again. She's not trustworthy.
You can't have a relationship with someone who is actively trying to poison you. She has never "forgotten" it. She knows what she's doing.
Seriously forget about having a good relationship with her because she's not on board for it.
Your partner's response was correct. You should not go there again.
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u/SnooWords4839 Aug 05 '24
I wouldn't trust her with your food!
Bring your own meals and let fiancé deal with his mother.
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u/melanieissleepy Aug 05 '24
This is not the first time I’ve heard someone say that their partner’s mother wasn’t respecting their allergy 😭😭😭 someone I knew years ago with a deathly peanut allergy turned up to thanksgiving at the partner’s place and found that they had fried not one, but TWO turkeys in peanut oil. This person’s partner didn’t stand up to their parents and it was the end of their relationship. Your man did the right thing— trivializing you is what she was trying to do, and him showing that this is a massive problem for him is the best thing he could have done in this situation. In any case, I think you have the right to skip the next few meals— sharing a meal with someone is just as emotional as it is physical and practical, and I wouldn’t even want to eat somebody’s cooking who was acting that way. Sending you mad love!!!
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u/Purple_Bowling_Shoes Aug 05 '24
I have the same allergy. Dairy causes severe inflammation in my joints and, like you, I only discovered it after an elimation diet several years ago.
I LOVE dairy and I miss it. And sometimes when I'm drinking I think fuck it, I want a cheeseburger or even better, a cheese pizza.
I ALWAYS regret it.
I've had people dismiss me when I say I'm sensitive or allergic to something and they try to "trick" me into seeing it's all in my head and not real. I would think your MIL is doing that (my MIL tried something with much lower stakes several years ago) but from your comments it sounds like she's just a terrible person.
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u/Ok-CANACHK Aug 05 '24
never eat her food again, just make a whole deal of your 'safe food' you will always bring from now on
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u/effitalll Aug 05 '24
She’s doing this on purpose. I had a family member like this who purposefully put my allergen in dishes and didn’t tell me. It’s life threatening. She couldn’t be assed to care about anyone but herself. It’s absurd to me that people like them exist.
Since bringing your own food was offensive, I’d just stop going.
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u/metdear Aug 06 '24
MIL is passive aggressive as hell, and I guarantee you next time she's going to sneak some dairy into the dinner without telling you to test whether this is a "real" allergy. She's a controlling asshole.
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u/YogurtclosetFair8450 Aug 05 '24
If it happens again, just say something to the effect of “MIL, do you want me dead? Are you actually trying to kill me?” Every time she does it… she should back off once she’s under scrutiny and people start thinking she’s an attempted murderer… but that depends on if you and your husband want to have a relationship with her or not
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u/Top_Temperature_3547 Aug 06 '24
I am celiac. I don’t trust anyone. Including family. I bring my own food to all meals. The end.
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u/Legitimate-Stage1296 Aug 05 '24
Seriously, if she’s putting salad dressing on the salad and butter on the vegetables pre putting on the table she’s doing this on purpose.
Either she starts being okay with you bringing your own food, or you don’t go to dinners.
Glad your fiancé stood up for you. There’s nothing for you to do, it’s for him to handle. You just don’t go there anymore.
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u/SituationEasy179 Aug 05 '24
My daughter (10) has numerous complicated food allergies- it's impossible for anyone except us to accommodate them, and honestly we don't feel comfortable putting people to any trouble. We bring her home-made food in a Tupperware everywhere we go- like to friends' houses etc. We explain with a smile that "it's just easier do do this- honestly too complicated to explain" and just ask for use of a microwave. Then we plate her meal discreetly and she eats with everyone else. I think this is an idea for your MIL.
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u/Great_Doughnut_8154 Aug 06 '24
Follow what he already told her, if she cant respect your food allergy you dont eat her food. If fiance decides that means not having meals at her home, do it. He knows her best. Her actions speak so loudly, she does not care about how putting dairy in her food and insisting that you eat it will hurt you.
And if you ever have kids, I'd never leave her alone with them especially if they have food allergies. Can you imagine her causing such pain to a baby?
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u/SwimAccomplished9487 Aug 05 '24
This sounds like she’s trying to hire dairy so she can say “ha! There was butter in that and you didn’t know and you didn’t have a flare up” to like prove you wrong/ make it seem like you’re being dramatic. I would not eat her food anymore and would honestly stop going over during any meal times for a while.
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u/Stardust-Folie Aug 06 '24
Girl…she’s doing it on purpose. Cheese IN the burgers, PRE BUTTERED the corn and PRE DRESSED the salad. What about people who don’t like ranch? Or butter on their corn? Nah she’s doing 200% doing it on purpose, don’t eat a damn thing she ever makes for you
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